Left Behind
by ThexInvisiblexGirl
Summary: What if Edward and Bella did go to Dartmouth? AU, picks up from chapter 6 of Breaking Dawn. Rated T for all things Twilight - adult themes/situations. please R&R! NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1 Edward

**A/N: Hi everyone! After months of oneshots, allow me to present my first multi-chaptered Twilight fic! Since _Breaking Dawn_ is my least favorite of the 4 books, I decided to try and write an alternative for it, using "the road not taken" as the poem goes. My story picks up right where chapter 6 in _Breaking Dawn_ leaves off. It's gonna be alternate POVs, so odd chapters are Edward, and even chapters are Bella. Please remember it's my first long fic, so any suggestion or criticism is more than welcome. Also, I want to say a _huge_ thankyou to Mizra and flyingtooclose, who helped me _so_ much with ideas to make this story work. Thanks, you guys, I owe you one.**

**Disclaimer: Edward, Bella and any other character you recognize, as well as plotline references, are the eternal property of Stephenie Meyer - I'm merely playing! I borrowed the title from the musical _Spring Awakening_. **

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Left Behind

_A hint of a smile pulled at his lips. "We're going to Dartmouth? Really?"_

_"I'll probably fail out in one semester."_

_"I'll tutor you." The smile was wide now. "You're going to love college."_

_~ Breaking Dawn_, chapter 6.

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Chapter 1

It had been hours since the decision was made, and still I could not stop smiling to myself in the darkness. I stole a glance at her, sleeping soundly in my arms. She was wearing one of the items my sister had picked for her, although thankfully a less distracting one. I ran a finger along her arm and felt her shiver. A tiny smile curled on her lips as she slept on. My own smile widened an inch. I couldn't believe how easy this was. Where was her fiery resistance, the one I had learned to embrace myself against?

Of course, I knew exactly what brought up the change. I didn't need to read her mind to figure _that_ much out. I was already well-familiar with her human hormones. Now, when our relationship had taken a new turn, she was determined to make the best out of it. It was as if she had finally found something it was worth to remain human for. And for her human eyes, I guess it was. As it served my interests well – we wouldn't have to discuss her transformation for a while – I didn't delve into it. I didn't question her decision; I was embracing it.

College… It felt as if it'd been ages. Nothing I would study there was going to be new, but it was going to be a nice change from the monotony of high-school life. And Bella would love it, I was certain, despite her ongoing resentment. I threaded my fingers in her hair. She sighed in her sleep and pressed herself closer against my chest. I closed my eyes against the sudden ache down my throat. It caught me by surprise. I didn't realize how much time had passed since the last time I'd fed. It meant I would have to leave her soon to hunt. It would be for a little while, but the thought of any sort of separation – no matter how short – was painful. In the past couple of weeks we had spent every waking hour together, a well-deserved alone-time, away from Charlie's resentful thoughts and Emmett's impudent ones. Just me and her and the island.

To say I wasn't scared out of my wits over this alone-time before we had gotten here would be a cruel lie. I knew what she wanted, I had known it for a while now, and obviously I wanted it too. But it didn't worth the risk of hurting her, _really_ hurting her, if things went wrong. But she kept her side of the deal – she married me although I kept expecting her to pull out on the last minute – and so I had to keep mine. The first time made me even more terrified because just as I feared, I _had_ hurt her; the evidence was just too much to endure. But apparently, resisting her was not much of an option, either. As I had once told her, I might not be human, but I was still a man, and she was too desirable for her own good. Tiny swimsuits by day and flimsy lingerie by night were bound to break me at some point. And she _was_ my wife. It was a lame excuse, I knew, but at the time I was holding on to any sort of justification; I was _that_ sick of myself, seeking excuses and justifications.

And then, at some point, it just got easier and easier. The sense of victory was familiar now, something I was proud of, in spite of myself. I would never admit it to her, but it turned out she was right all along. Practice did make perfect.

And I was still smiling to myself like a fool. It was ridiculous, the affect she had on me, even while she was sleeping. It dawned on me I had never felt as carefree as I did in the past two weeks. For the first time in decades, I was just… happy with what I had, with who I was. I felt no pangs of conscience for what I was. It was a peculiar feeling. I never wanted it to end.

I reached over to the bedside without disrupting her, feeling the surface of the nightstand for my cell-phone. Once I found it, I turned it on. Not a moment later, it vibrated in my hand. A new text message. I smirked. I guessed as much. _She_ could still see things, but for me, in this distance, it was the only way to communicate with her.

_Dartmouth, huh? Congrats. Shall I tell Carlisle to sort it all out? xx_

I shook my head, smiling for whole different reasons now. Alice was unbelievable. I used my free hand to text her back, keeping the phone low so the light from the screen wouldn't wake Bella. _No rush. We will be staying here a few more weeks_.

She was fast in replying, of course. _You can probably put that laptop for good use now_. And I meant to. Now that Dartmouth was a certainty, I was wondering what I would study this time. I was curious what Bella would want to study. I meant to reply to Alice's message, when a second message was suddenly received. _Emmett wants to know if the house is still intact_.

I held back a snort, thinking of the hopeless mess that was the white room. If only he knew. _Good night, Alice_, I typed, and turned my phone off again.

Bella stirred in her sleep as I placed the phone back on the nightstand. The scent from her hair was like a punch to my stomach. My nostrils flared. I held my breath, trying to resist the familiar ache, but it didn't cease. I glanced at her, then at the glass door, and sighed wistfully. I probably had a few hours before she woke. If I hurried, I could be back even before that. I slipped out of bed carefully, gently placing her against the mattress. I got dressed in the dark and stepped into the main room, searching for something to write on. Once I found a notepad, I scribbled a quick note for her and placed it on the pillow next to her. Hopefully, she wouldn't even be up to find it.

When I was back in the main room, my gaze fell on the black leather bag next to the TV set. I almost forgot. I pulled out the laptop and placed it on the dining table, quickly plugging in the necessary cables and turning it on. Luckily it didn't take much time, so I logged into Dartmouth's homepage. I would have a look at their selection of courses when I was back, I told myself. A part of me was hesitant as for leaving her alone in the house, but I tried to brush off that hesitation as I picked up the pace of my running as I went farther away from the house, and deeper into the woods. As it were, I was the most dangerous thing on the island. And she could hardly get herself into trouble while she was asleep.

Or at least, I hoped so.

xoxox

I ate more than necessary, thinking it would stall my next hunting round for at least two more weeks. I hated the thought of having to leave her behind again. It was only when I lifted my head from my last prey and caught sight of the sky that I realized it was getting late. The sun was almost in the middle of the sky. I scorned myself for keeping her waiting, but then remembered my note. Perhaps she was still sleeping. I hoped she was. I made the necessary arrangements to leave, and headed back towards the house.

I slid the glass door of the bedroom slowly, so I wouldn't wake her, but the bed was empty and hastily made. The room still carried the sweet scent I had come to associate with her shampoo, so I assumed she'd been up for a while. I changed quickly, thinking that after her shower, she wouldn't appreciate the jungle dirt that stuck to my clothes. Then I traced her scent down the hall and into the main room, and sure enough, there she was, sitting by the dining table with her back to me, looking distractingly beautiful in white shorts and a pink top I assumed were Alice's ideas. I made a mental note to get my sister a nice gift for her choice of wardrobe for my wife. I only just noticed how tanned her skin became. Her hair – dry by now – had reddish tints in it, also from the sun. I sighed inwardly. I was taking so much from her, too much, even small, trivial things such as the sun.

I wouldn't think about it this way, I decided. She was willing to give me more time. I was going to give her as many human experiences as I possibly could before…

I shook the bitter thought away. I wouldn't ponder over it; there was still time. It might not be for years now, with the Dartmouth plan in our near future. I kept watching her, hoping it would work as a distraction. She was having toasts and jam for breakfast. I assumed she got tired of eggs, and who could blame her, really. The steaming mug on her side had an unfamiliar aroma. I thought it was coffee, but I didn't know she was fond of that dark, strange liquid. I had never seen her drink coffee before.

It only just occurred to me how watching her had become a second nature to me. Asleep or awake, it became my guilty pleasure. I could never get enough of it, of learning more about her, about things she liked, things that made her happy, things that made her eyes glimmer or her forehead wrinkle. She thought I was being ridiculous. She couldn't understand just how fascinating she was to me.

The sound of her soft laughter cut through my reverie, even more distracting than her choice of outfit. "I wonder what could possibly be funny."

I didn't realize I had said it aloud until she turned to face me with a start.


	2. Chapter 2 Bella

**A/N: thanks so much for the reviews, everyone, _please_ keep them coming! here's the next one, Bella's POV this time. happy reading x**

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Chapter 2

I was alone when I woke up. It felt strange. For the two weeks we'd been here on the island, I was hardly ever away from him. The pillows felt too soft; I was used to lean against his rock hard chest. I sat up in bed and looked around me, still dazed from sleep. I slept all night, I suddenly realized, somewhat relieved. No nightmares. The room was stuffy, although there was light breeze coming through the open sliding door every now and again. Nonetheless, the air was very still, already incredibly humid, and there was nothing unusual in the morning sounds around me, just the same chirping of the birds and the distant hiss of the sea. There was no smell of cooking in the air either, which eliminated the possibility of breakfast in bed.

There was something on the pillow – a note, I suddenly realized. I picked it up; I recognized his handwriting immediately.

_I'm hoping you won't wake and notice my absence, but, if you should, I'll be back very soon. I've just gone to the mainland to hunt. Go back to sleep and I'll be here when you wake again. I love you._

Well that made sense. The last time he went hunting was… the night before the wedding. Wow. Now it felt like ages ago. We were alone for two whole weeks, although it was only in the past few days I was beginning to really enjoy myself, now that he dropped the pretences and attempts to distract me. We were living in a bubble up here, just the two of us. I smiled to myself as I stretched. I never wanted it to end.

Sighing, I got up. I missed him already. Very honeymoonish of me, I knew, but I couldn't help it. Alone time with Edward was something I could never get enough of. I took a shower first – it was too hot not to – and pulled on shorts and a pink tanktop. In spite of the unbearable heat, I liked wearing those instead of jeans and sweaters. It reminded me of the weather in Phoenix, kind of. At least it wasn't raining all day long. I didn't even know what time it was – time as I knew it didn't seem to exist here.

Something made me halt as I stepped through the main room on my way to the kitchen. There was a laptop on the dining table – since when did we even _have_ a laptop? I giggled to myself when I saw the page he had left it on, obviously meaning for me to notice it. I meant to get back there and explore a little bit, but first things first. I was starving. I guessed couldn't expect my ridiculous appetite to just vanish along with the nightmares. That was really too much to ask. I'd just have to stick to vegetables in the next few weeks, and that other idea I'd had to, erm, burn the calories.

As I was searching for ingredients for breakfast, my eyes lingered on the coffee machine that stood on the counter. I hesitated, and then thought, why not. If I was going to be a student, I was bound to make friends with caffeine sooner or later. I decided against eggs for breakfast. I was kind of fed up with them, no pun intended, so I made some toasts with strawberry jam until my coffee was ready, and then I took it all out to the main room again. I set the plate and mug next to the computer. I couldn't help but wonder how the hell we had net access in the middle of the jungle. Then again, the Cullens – Edward in particular – always seemed to get their way. Cable TV worked here just fine, I now remembered; so did Edward's cell-phone. They _would_ have net access on this deserted island.

I brought the mug to my lips; the coffee burnt my tongue. "Damnit," I muttered, setting it aside. Then, with a weary sigh, I headed to work. I couldn't complain; I brought this one on myself. I skipped the general information; I knew Edward could probably fill me in on everything I needed to know by the time we got there. I deliberately avoided application bureaucracy and fees. I didn't really want to know just how much money he was spending on getting us in there, so late at the year.

I took a small bite of my toast as I searched for their list of departments, which wasn't an easy task. College websites could be so confusing. Only now I realized what I had gotten myself into. College, oh man. Was I even ready for college? Then again, I didn't know I was ready for marriage life, and here I was, Mrs. Edward Cullen of two weeks. College should be _nothing_ in comparison to marrying at 18. Besides, how horrible could it be? It wasn't like school; I could choose what I wanted to study. It wouldn't have to be math-related. It wouldn't have to have anything to do with sports.

As I scrolled through the list of majors, it dawned on me I had never asked myself this question. I always filled in college applications because Edward and Charlie had pressed me to, not really putting my heart into it, but now that it was a certainty… if I went to college, which major should I choose? It didn't have to be a life-changing decision. Given that at one point I _would_ become immortal, I could choose whatever major I wanted to. Edward repeated college several times, I knew. I could always apply to others at a later point, if I liked it.

So this was it. I wouldn't go for practical. I'd just choose something I was likely to enjoy. I skimmed through the unfamiliar titles. Ancient History, Art History, Astronomy, Classical Studies… I wondered which one Edward would choose this time. I figured he had probably had a chance to study each and every one of them at least once. I truly hoped he wouldn't feel like enrolling into med school again. I wouldn't like it if he spent all his time on campus. I shook my head, laughing at myself. I was better at marriage life than I'd ever given myself credit for. Already I sounded like an envious, possessive wife.

"I wonder what could possibly be funny."

I turned with a gasp, nearly spilling coffee all over the table when I noticed him standing there, leaning against the doorframe with his arms across his chest. He laughed at my reaction and was by my side in no time. He knelt behind my chair; his lips fluttered over the skin of my neck.

"I thought you'd go back to sleep."

"Too hot," I muttered, moaning when his lips hit a sensitive spot.

"Oh, I see," he whispered, his voice velvet in my ear. Through my half-shut eyelids I saw him stealing an amused glance at the computer screen. "Doing some research?"

There was feigned innocence in his voice. I snorted, and shifted so that I could look straight at him. His eyes had that familiar golden color again. "Nothing that can't wait for later," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. "How was your breakfast?" I asked, my lips inches from his.

"It was alright, thank you, how was yours?"

"I think I'm ready to have my dessert now," I replied, smiling, and his lips covered mine before I even managed to finish my sentence. I tightened the grip around his neck as he deepened the kiss, his lips moving eagerly against mine. I reveled at my victory. Now that he found out he could channel the excesses, as he so well put it, it made things so much easier. He was feeling less guilty whenever he touched me. He wasn't angry or frustrated. He just… sort of let things happen.

I wasn't sure at which point I left my chair, but when he pulled away from me, I was lying across his chest and we were on the floor, chests heaving and breathing ragged. He flashed me a wicked grin before he turned us over, and I was lying against the soft white carpet. "The floor, Bella, really?" he asked, but I was extremely distracted by the sensation of his hand trailing up my leg, his fingers lazily drawing small circles on my thigh. His lips came crushing against my collarbone, along my right shoulder, gently biting the strap of my tanktop to get it out of his way.

"Somehow I'm not sure Esme will appreciate us ruining her carpet," I breathed, wrapping my leg around his waist.

"You're probably right," he agreed, somehow scooping me in his arms.

The next moment we were on the sofa. Well, I was. In the next mil-second, Edward was back by the dining table, unplugging the laptop. I watched him with confused eyes, still kind of breathless. "What are you doing?"

He didn't reply, but a moment later he joined me on the sofa. He pulled me to his lap, and placed the laptop carefully on my lap.

"We're not going back to bed?"

He seemed amused by the disappointment my voice carried. "Later, perhaps," he said, nuzzling my neck. "Now we've got some work to do."

xoxox

Hours later, we were still cuddled on the sofa, and Edward was giving me a virtual tour on campus, pointing at buildings and lawns and libraries on the website's map, all the while whispering in my ear. We chose our majors a while ago. Edward thought he'd do philosophy again. I would never understand what he found so attractive about that. I wouldn't take philosophy even if he paid me. I was torn between English Literature and Art History, but English won. As much as I found Art History fascinating, I didn't want my first college experience to be a traumatizing thing, and it was bound to be that if I started with something as ambitious as that.

"The semester starts in the last week of September, so if we leave here about two weeks before that…" he said, giving my waist a small squeeze, "We could be home for your birthday."

I frowned. I couldn't see his face, but he sounded smug. Somehow I got the feeling Alice had it all sorted out already. I swallowed my protest though. I remembered my protests the previous year, and where did that disastrous birthday lead us to. I hope the Cullens remembered it as vividly as I did, and that it would stop Alice from throwing me another party. As for the age issue, I just didn't care anymore. 18 or 19, 19 or 20, what difference did it really make, as long as I had him?

"You're not saying anything?"

"I'm sure whatever I have to say will make no difference at all."

"Probably not."

"Will a week do to sort it all out? I know you said you had a house there, but we'll need to settle in and everything – "

"Don't worry about it. Carlisle will make a few phone calls. A week will be more than enough."

That would give us a week or so at Forks, and more goodbyes. I didn't know how much I was going to see Charlie once we moved to New Hampshire. Not to mention Renée. And then there were the friends I managed to make in my short staying with my dad: Mike and Angela… _Jacob_… I was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion. For the first time in two weeks, I felt homesick. To _Forks_. Who would have thought?

I was too absorbed in trying to make sense of this new feeling that overpowered me, that I didn't even notice when he moved the laptop to the coffee table. He was holding me closer against him. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm just…" I let my voice trail off, giving up the attempt to explain it. How could I, when I didn't know what to make of it myself?

"It's going to be great," he promised, assigning my silence to sudden panic, I guessed. There was so much confidence in his voice; it was impossible not to trust him.

"I wonder…" I said, but kicked away the thought the moment in invaded my mind. I couldn't. I was just pushing my luck here. It was neither right nor fair for any of the sides involved. It would bring up more pain than anything else.

"What?"

I sighed. Might as well just let it out, get it over with. I half turned so I could see his face. "Will it be okay… if I go visit Jacob when we get home?"

He was quiet for a long moment. His expression was sealed. I had no way of knowing if he was taken aback by my request, or if he was considering it. And then, "Would you like to?"

"I just… if we're going to go away… I just want a chance to say goodbye."

He laughed softly; it made me shiver. "You speak as if we're going to Oxford. It's just New Hampshire, Bella."

"I know." How could I explain it to him? I just needed to see Jacob one last time before we left. I knew I had no right to, after the way things turned out when he showed up on our wedding. As much as I tried to push him out, shut him in a drawer and pretend none of it ever happened, I couldn't. I missed my best friend. As far as I knew, he said his goodbyes then. But I didn't. I wouldn't. Not like this. "I need to see him, nonetheless," I added, now with more urgency. There was no reason why he'd refuse me. I was his now, body and soul. There was no competition.

"Well, I guess it's alright, if you wish to go."

I stared at him in disbelief. He sounded too calm, too resolved. "You won't have any problem with that?"

"If marriage life is a sacrifice, I believe it applies to both sides. You're clearly sacrificing a lot here, so I think it's time I'll do the same."

His voice was composed, as if he had given it a lot of thought, although I couldn't say why or when he would. I smiled and turned all the way in his arms so I was straddling him. "Thank you," I said, meaning every word of it.

He returned my smile and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Thank _you_. You have no idea how happy it makes me that we're actually going to Dartmouth."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. Like you couldn't figure out I'd cave sooner or later."

"You're mistaking me for my sister, I'm afraid," he said before he brought his lips to my throat. "So what else would you like to do today, Mrs. Cullen?"

"Mmm…" I couldn't get more coherent than that when his lips assaulted me that way. I could hardly focus. "Surely you have some ideas," I managed, my fingers drifting down his chest to the hem of his tee shirt.

"I certainly do," he said, pulling away as I grabbed a handful of cotton, letting my fingers brush against his sides as I pulled the shirt over his head. "We could walk on the beach…" I shook my head for 'no' and leaned over to spread butterfly kisses across his chest. "Or we could go for a swim," he added with a smile in his voice, one that turned into a gasp when I trailed my kisses down his chest. "Or… we could go back to bed."

"I vote for that one," I murmured, before he pulled my face close to his again, and his lips came crushing against mine.


	3. Chapter 3 Edward

**Chapter 3**

The next few weeks passed by in an astonishing pace. It was our last night on the island. I'd given up those activities I had initially planned to distract Bella by. Clearly, those weren't necessary anymore. We found some other ways to pass the time now, mainly on the beach, or in front of the TV watching a film none of us had true interest in. On a silent agreement, we avoided the blue room during most of the day. It was as if we knew that once we were back in the real world, we wouldn't be alone anymore, and that necessitated a slow, gradual withdrawal on both sides. I didn't know what would become of our newly-discovered physical relationship once we were home. I didn't know how different it would be out of our bubble.

Her nails grazed my arm, sending the pressing thoughts away. "Did you fall asleep?"

I laughed softly. "Funny, Bella."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. I'm just thinking."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Going home, mostly," I replied. The water swished around us, warm and foamy and sweet-scented. I still wasn't sure how she managed to lure me in that bathtub, but there we were. I couldn't quite see why Esme would want such an item of human indulgence in her house. Baths and showers weren't a necessity for vampires; it was just a human habit we'd picked up along the way. I leaned against the side of the bath, taking Bella with me. Her scent overwhelmed me; it was all over the stuffy room. "I was thinking how much I was going to miss this, being alone with you."

"I'll miss it too," she whispered sorrowfully. She knew that things wouldn't be the same again, as well. I could tell as much from her tone, from the way she held me throughout the last week, as if each time was the last time. The weeks we'd spent on the island had brought us closer together, impossibly more so than ever before.

"Not enough alone-time," I pointed out, lacing my fingers in her beneath the surface of the water.

"No… but we could always go back, couldn't we?"

"Whenever you want."

She turned to look at me then, and her eyes urgent, gleaming in the candlelight. "You don't regret it, do you?"

Her question was vague, but the meaning was clear from the way her face flushed. I reached out and brushed my finger against her cheek. "I did, at first. After the first night, when I hurt you. But I don't, now." Something else occurred to me, and I smirked. "I think I'd better warn you in advance. Emmett is going to be unbearable once we're back. Prepare yourself."

"Oh, no," she groaned, blushing deeper red, and then shook her head. "I guess I should have seen it coming."

"Just ignore him."

"I plan to."

"So tell me," I asked then, hopefully to distract her from the Emmett issue. "What is it about bathtubs that you humans find so attractive?" I reached out to unfasten the clip that held her hair up; it tumbled down her shoulders in tangles of red and brown.

She turned all the way now, and there was this tiny grin curling on her lips as she snaked her arms around my neck. "You mean you haven't figured it out yet?"

"As I can't read the mind of the one human who lured me into a bathtub, then no, I haven't."

"Well, how about this as a start," she murmured, pressing a kiss to my lips. She meant to pull away, but I tightened my grip on her, bringing her closer again. She gasped, surprised, and I rubbed my nose against hers before I leaned in to kiss her again. And there were no more talking that night.

xoxox

It was a long journey home. In spite of her attempts to keep her eyes open, Bella fell asleep half an hour after we took off from Rio. She looked exhausted; it didn't help that she had hardly slept the night before. I smiled sorrowfully as I pulled a blanket around her shoulders. No more of that. Already Isle Esme was beginning to seem like a far away dream. I hardly had the heart to wake her when we had to change flights in Huston, but she seemed more alert when we went on the second plane.

Eventually, we landed in Seattle. She grabbed my hand as the pilot announced the upcoming landing, her eyes speaking volumes. We said nothing to one another as we left the plane and walked through the terminal. Once we retrieved our luggage, she suddenly stopped me, and looked at me sheepishly. "I don't remember if I said this before, but if I hadn't, then thank you. I had a really great time," she said, blushing, and her eyes wandered around us as if to make sure no one was listening.

"You're very welcome. I had a great time, too." I wrapped one arm around her and led her towards the exit.

_Welcome back, Edward_, the familiar voice greeted me. I groaned.

"What?" asked Bella, her eyes oblivious.

"We have a greeting committee waiting outside," I said through gritted teeth. "I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't plan it."

"Alice?" she guessed.

"I think it's just her and Jasper. I can't hear the rest of them. I thought I made it clear when I talked to Carlisle from Huston. No fanfare."

"Well, you know how Alice is," said Bella, repressing a yawn. She looked completely worn out.

"You can sleep on the way home," I promised her.

It was the last thing I got to say to her. Before we knew it, Alice launched herself at the two of us the moment we passed through the arrivals' gate, nearly knocking Bella over. "Hi! You're home!" she squealed.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I couldn't stop her_. I could see Jasper now, a safe distance away, watching Alice with an amused smirk across his face. We all walked towards him, Alice's arm around Bella now. She was chattering excitedly; I doubted Bella heard half of it. Jasper and I nodded to one another, exchanging a smile about the hopelessness of our sister of sorts. He shook Bella's hand, but the motion was awkward, on her side as well as on his. She still looked shy around him. I knew he was still regretting what happened last year, on her birthday.

"Come on, let's get you home," said Alice, and her excited chatter resumed as she led the way to the car.

xoxox

A familiar echo welcomed me as we drove closer to the house. We'd just drove passed the sign that welcomed us to Forks. Bella was sleeping soundly in my arms when the first of their thoughts resonated, followed by others. They were all waiting to welcome us – even Rosalie, I realized, somewhat surprised – excited and impatient. I shook Bella awake only when the town's houses began to thin. I thought she deserved a fair warning. I didn't know if they were waiting outside, and I didn't want her to be overwhelmed, as tired as she seemed to be.

"What…" she murmured, still half-asleep.

"Wake up, Love, we're almost there."

"Are we?" she asked reluctantly, forcing her eyes open.

I laughed softly. I only just realized how happy I was to be back there, with them. Homesickness was such a human emotion; it worked in funny ways. "Yes, we are."

She pulled herself away from my embrace, rubbing sleep off her eyes. She ran a hand through her hair. In the front seat, Jasper clenched the wheel tighter as her scent spread across the car, but said nothing. Bella didn't notice. Her nose was stuck to the window now as she was trying to see through the darkness, like an impatient child. It made me laugh again. I wasn't tired, of course, just weary. It was that point in a journey where all you wished was to just get home already.

At this point we were so close; thoughts and conversations mingled together, making me almost dizzy. Sharp hearing and mind reading could be a truly bothersome thing, and all the more after a long voyage.

_"Do you think we need to go out and greet them?"_

Rosalie rolled her eyes at Esme's question. _This is such a circus. Who cares if they're coming back? They could just stay there, for all _I_ care._

_"Darling, remember what Edward asked," _said Carlisle._ "I'm sure an indoor welcome will be just as good."_

_I bet I could tell by just looking at her. Or at him. Nah, it'll be more fun with her, she'll blush. I wonder what it felt like, with a human._

I didn't realize I groaned until I felt Bella's eyes on me. "What's wrong?" she asked, her expression all innocence.

"Nothing, Love," I said quickly. I'd already warned her from Emmett. There was no need to expose her to his insolent thoughts.

_There you go, Edward. Go inside, they're all thrilled to see you. We'll get your luggage for you_, Alice thought as Jasper brought the car to a stop in front of the house.

"Thanks, Alice," I said. I unfastened Bella's seatbelt, scooped her in my arms and got us out of the car in no time.

She was less tired than I suspected. She giggled, struggling in my arms. "Put me down, Edward, you're _not_ carrying me across the threshold!"

I wasn't planning on it, but now the idea sounded tempting, so I pretended it was my intention all along. "Why not?"

"Because it's your parents' house, not ours," she pointed out, her cheeks flaring, "and because I don't want to!"

I laughed softly and brought her feet to the ground. She stared at me, surprised and confused, as if she was expecting a bigger fight. "That was… too easy," she said slowly.

I laughed again, already opening the front door for her, and placed a small kiss on the top of her head as she caught up with me. "Come on in, Mrs. Cullen."

_Here they come!_

_Ugh, they're back. Oh, joy._

_Let the fun begin._

"Edward, Bella. Welcome home," said Carlisle. He reached for Bella first, which surprised me. He grew so attached to her in such a short time; I'd never realized. He gave me a look over her shoulder as he embraced her. _Good to have you back, son. I'm glad both of you are safe_.

I got the hidden implication of this 'both of you'. I saw the appreciation in his eyes. He was obviously relieved I hadn't killed her. "It's good to be home."

"Come in," he said, slowly letting go of Bella. "I'm afraid we can't keep Esme waiting for much longer."

I smiled and wrapped my arm around Bella's shoulder, steering her towards the main room. Jasper was just walking in from the garage. Emmett and Esme were already on their feet, walking towards us. Rosalie's behavior was thankfully less resentful than her thoughts. She pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek and greeted Bella - coldly, but at least she did. _Still human. Well that's odd. I wonder why he didn't do it. Not that I care._

_Oh, _yes_, he did _so_ get some. At _last_!_

I rolled my eyes and tried to block out Emmett's voice. We weren't home for five minutes, and he was already getting on my nerves. I tried to focus my attention on Esme. She was all over Bella by now, squealing just as badly as Alice had about how tanned and healthy and beautiful she looked. I shook hands with Emmett, trying to ignore his thoughts. They were too eager, but more importantly, too _detailed_ for me to handle right now.

_Don't ignore me, dude. You know you'll have to spill it sooner or later_.

"I'm so glad you had a good time, dear," said Esme, beaming at Bella. I went back to her side and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Thanks for lending us the island, Esme," Bella said. I gave her waist a little squeeze of encouragement.

_Blushing! Does that count?_

I shot Emmett a glare. He didn't even have the curtsey to appear guilty. Luckily, Bella didn't notice; she was too busy answering one of Carlisle's questions about the island. I tried to focus on their conversation and all the while remaining on-guard, fearing Emmett would use his first opportunity to attack.

Then all of a sudden, Alice waltzed into the room, coming through the same door Jasper had previously come through. "Your luggage is _so_ much lighter, Bella, what happened to everything I've packed for you?"

That did it. Bella flushed bright red and buried her head in my jacket. I figured it was mostly because she knew Alice knew exactly what became of most of the things she had packed for her. And now, with the feigned obliviousness Alice's question carried, everyone else seemed to know it as well.

_Someone _scored_!_

I rolled my eyes. Emmett. Who else?


	4. Chapter 4 Bella

**Chapter 4**

Edward wasn't in the room when I woke up, but I actually felt relieved. I wanted to be alone in those first moments on the day I turned 19. I didn't care anymore, and I kept reminding myself that. I'd made up my mind. I was with him. I _would_ be, forever, and my age was the last thing that mattered. Then, slightly more reassured and confident with my decision, I started to get ready for the day.

I called Charlie before anything else the next morning. He was thrilled to find out we were back, and asked me so many questions I could hardly keep up with him. It was strange; I didn't think I'd ever heard him so chatty before. Now knowing what Alice had planned for later tonight, I asked him if he could stop by the Cullens' place after work. He said that he would, and that he'd try to step out earlier tonight. I was a little taken aback. He was all but married to his job; I wasn't expecting him to do that for me. I felt a little more reassured when we hung up. I wasn't looking forward to the party very much, but at least my dad was going to be there. I missed him more than I thought I would.

After I made sure with Edward once more that it was okay I'd go to La Push, I grabbed a quick breakfast and made it to the garage. I frowned at the car – I still couldn't call it 'my' car. It remained just as shiny and monstrous as I remembered. It looked as if someone had taken a good care of it while we were gone. I picked a CD of girly, cheesy love songs before I started the engine. I needed something that would help me not to think, either about the birthday issue, or about this drive I was about to do. The weather was grim, miles different than the humid sunshine of Isle Esme. It looked as if it was going to rain and I shivered, wishing I _had_ taken a thicker jacket like Edward had suggested.

I got to the reservation in less time than I hoped, of course. I stayed in my car for a minute, hesitating, and then stepped out. I nearly lost my balance over a few small rocks near the door of the car. So much for determination, I thought bitterly, kicking them out of my way. Second thoughts filled me only after I knocked, and I half turned, thinking I might be able to make a run for the car, but then before I managed it, the door opened and he was there, staring at me in an expression that was part confusion, part disbelief. "Bella."

"Hi, Jake," I said, feeling my lips curl into a small smile in spite of myself. I knew it was cruel to appear so happy when he was clearly so _un_happy, but I couldn't help it. I was so glad to see him.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was cold, but it didn't catch me off-guard. I expected it, braced myself against it; I knew I deserved it.

"I wanted to see you."

He shot me a skeptical look. "Why? We have nothing else to say to one another."

"Jake…" I sighed. He was as stubborn as ever. Clearly, he wasn't going to make it easier. But I knew I deserved that as well. "Will you just… step outside for a minute so we could talk? I don't think I'm welcome in your house anymore." I knew Billy was probably still resentful. I didn't want to push it, now that I was _married_ to a Cullen, not just dating one. Jacob said nothing for a moment, but I thought it was a good sign. It meant he was hesitating, thinking it over. And at least he didn't shut the door in my face.

Then he sighed, and there was defeat in the sound. He turned and shouted he would be back soon, so I assumed Billy was home. Then he followed me to my car. When he noticed it he came to a sudden halt and gasped. "Nice wheels," he said, looking genuinely impressed.

I frowned. I still couldn't see what the fuss was all about with my "before" car. The beastly thing still intimidated me. "Err… yeah, thanks."

It was a silent drive to the beach. I didn't put the CD back on. At first it was as if he forgot I was there. He looked out of the window, and then when we got there, he walked faster than me without even looking if I was following. I caught up with him eventually; he was sitting on a boulder, watching the waves as they crashed against the rocks. I remained standing. I wasn't sure what else to do. Would he be mad if I sat next to him? Was he expecting me to? There was this awkwardness between us now, new and hateful and unfamiliar. Things were never like that with my Jacob.

"Still human, I see," he said then, unfamiliar sarcasm sneaking to his husky voice.

"Yup, still human," I replied, so low that I wasn't sure he heard me. We fell into another silence, one I felt committed to break. "Jake, I wanted to apologize about what happened in the wedding." I stopped myself from saying 'my wedding'. I thought that would be too much. And to be honest, the words just sort of spilled from my lips; I wasn't intending on bringing this up so soon.

He stiffened at once, but didn't look at me. "Don't worry about it."

"I _am_ worried about it. I'm worried about _you_."

"I can take care of myself," he insisted. Was I imagining things, or was his voice warmer now? His eyes lingered on me then, and there was this unmistaken sparkle in them now. "And so can you, apparently," he smirked.

In an instant, it was as if the incident at the wedding had never happened. My face got all hot. "Cut it out, Jake." My voice was no-nonsense, but deep down I was relieved. He was beginning to sound like my old best friend again.

As if to confirm this thought, he rolled his eyes in a familiar manner. "Oh, please. Like I care to hear about your sexual escapades with the bloodsucker." His eyes, half appalled, half amused now, were leering at me, as if challenging me to answer back.

"Don't be gross, Jake," I laughed, sitting down. It finally felt safe. I wouldn't push him with apologies and sweet talk. If he didn't want to talk about it, we wouldn't. At least he wasn't mad; he wouldn't have teased me that way if he was still mad.

"Was he gentle with you?" he asked, pushing it a little further, batting his eyelashes like a girl. Funny, but for a moment, he reminded me of Emmett; silly, sex-craved, immature Emmett.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he was." Let him sweat a little bit. That could be my revenge.

"And what if…" he started, but his voice soon trailed off as if he changed his mind.

"What?"

"What if you're pregnant?"

I gawked at him in disbelief. For a moment I couldn't decide if he was joking or serious. And then when he didn't reply, I realized to my horror he _was_ serious. _Dead_ serious. And I couldn't help it. I burst into laughter, so hard that I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.

"How is that funny," he grumbled. He had the nerve to look offended.

It took a few more minutes until I could get myself together and speak properly, but even then the shadow of a smile remained on my lips, distracting me. "Jacob, why would you even _think_ that?" But he didn't reply, and he was still looking at me, as if he was expecting a different answer. "No, I'm not _pregnant_; I'm not really sure _how_ you're expecting me to _get_ pregnant. The only person I've ever had sex with is a _vampire_, for crying out loud!"

"You should hear the stories my dad comes up with," he mumbled then, still all sour-faced.

"Well, if it makes you feel better – " My cheeks flushed. I couldn't _believe_ I was discussing it with _him_, of all people – "I got my period while we were on the island, so I'm most definitely not pregnant."

"_Be-lla_!" he groaned, and started making gagging sounds, covering his ears with his hands. "Enough! I can't bear it!"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. I suddenly remembered why it was so easy to be around him. "You started it, you dork," I reminded him. In the next moment my hands were covering his, forcing his ears loose. His eyes suddenly focused on something – my wedding ring. My laughter died at once; I pulled my hands away and brought them to my lap.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" he repeated his question, serious again, but there was no cold resentment in his eyes. His tone was softer now, too, less harsh.

"We're going to college next week. It was sort of a last minute decision. I just wanted… last time…" It came out all wrong, sentences mingling in one another. I stopped, sighed, and tried again. "I wanted to know it's love I'm leaving behind, not anger or stupid revenge. I don't know how college is going to be, or when I can visit again, and I just wanted to have a chance to say goodbye properly, in case…" My voice trailed off.

"He didn't mind you coming here today?"

I spoke with difficulty now. My throat was thick with tears. "I'm here, aren't I?" He looked away, and for a moment his hateful resentment was back. "Jake, he won't hurt me. Ever. I'm safe with him. I'm _happy_ with him. I'm sorry. I know I make you miserable and it hurts. It hurts so much, because I love you, too. But if you love me back, you'll respect my choices."

"You've made your choice, Bella," he said, taking my hand. His finger brushed against my ring, clearly on purpose, as if he wanted to make his point. "Nothing I'll say is going to change it."

"Yes, it is," I insisted. "Don't you see? I can't be completely happy when I know that you're not, and that I'm the reason for it."

"I'll be fine," he mumbled, as if embarrassed. "I'll get over it." And then, anxious to change the subject, "Which college are you going to?"

I let him off the hook because I could see how uncomfortable the conversation had made him. "Dartmouth," I replied, biting my lip.

He let out a long whistle. "_Nice_," he said, grinning. Then he got all serious again. "Good luck," he said quietly, and I got the feeling he wasn't talking just about college. It also sounded like a dismissal.

I grabbed his hand, yearning for his warmth for a moment longer. "And to you."

If I had known it would be the last time I saw him, I would have said more.

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**If you made it till here, thanks for reading. Reviews are still lovely, just hit that little nice button :)**


	5. Chapter 5 Edward

**A/N: here's another one, you guys. thank you _so_ much for your comments and feedback and kind words, they keep me going with this story, so please keep them up. i promise speedy updates if you do!**

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Chapter 5

She fell asleep before midnight, as if determined to detain any possible celebration of her 19th birthday. I watched her as the hour came and went, and when the clock showed 5 minutes past midnight, I kissed her forehead and left the room, gently shutting the door behind me. A few hours of hasty slumber on the plane weren't enough. She needed a few hours of real, uninterrupted sleep.

They all went to their nightly activities by then. Emmett and Rosalie went hunting, which was fortunate, since I didn't feel like falling victim to Emmett's interrogations so soon. The buzz of excitement upon our return was still in the air, but no one bothered me, as if they figured I would want to rest after the long journey. As a matter of fact, in spite of my previous weariness, I was suddenly giddy again. I'd seen the questions in Carlisle's eyes earlier. Now I wanted to reassure him, and thank him. I knew I wouldn't be able to rest until I did.

I knocked lightly on his office door and showed myself in. He raised his head from his book, and there was a certain expectation in his eyes, as if he hoped I would come to see him. "Edward. Is Bella all settled?"

"Yes, she's asleep."

"Good. You had a long journey back."

I took a seat across from him, and hesitated. I had never hesitated while speaking to Carlisle before, not even that one time I had to discuss Bella's idea of a compromise with him, or during that other time, before our honeymoon, when he instructed me what to expect. How was it possible that this time was twice as awkward?

"I see it all went well," he said then, breaking the silence. "Well done. I had my fears, but Alice said I was being silly. I wonder when I'd stop doubting her visions," he laughed pleasantly, and I knew he was trying to make me feel more comfortable.

"Yes, it all went well. More than well. It was…" My voice trailed off as memories overtook me. More than anything, I wished to be back on the island. "I didn't know… I couldn't imagine… it could be that way," I whispered. If I could blush, I probably would.

"And Bella?"

"Bella… will stay human," I said, still somewhat amazed, smiling fondly at the silliness in her reasoning, unable to believe it even now. "I guess it tells you enough of how she feels." But then my smile faded, and fears shadowed my heart again. "It's now I'm afraid of. It was easier to… learn to control myself… when we were alone. I wonder if it would be very different now."

"I wouldn't know, of course. But I don't see why it _should_ be different. You mastered the art, now you need to practice it." He paused for a moment, as if letting the statement sink in. "She looks well, Edward. I wasn't expecting that. She looks healthier than I've ever seen her."

I frowned. He didn't see the bruises all over her after that first night. But then again, he was right. Throughout the time we had spent on the island, her clumsiness seemed to subside considerably. The only thing that was giving her bruises, I suddenly realized, was me.

Carlisle reached out across his desk and covered my hand with his. "Everything is going to be alright, Edward," he assured me. It was impossible not to trust his statement, made with so much confidence. And then I sensed a change in his thoughts, and he spoke again. "Did you consider… The transformation, I assumed you'd do it on your honeymoon."

"She wants to stay human," I repeated. "I won't be changing her, for the time being."

Carlisle looked troubled. "Is it safe? The Volturi – "

"The Volturi can't hurt her," I cut him off dryly, but faltered for mil-second. Caius' warning was a vivid memory still. Then I dismissed it. It would be years, perhaps decades, before they remembered it themselves. "They _won't_ hurt her," I said, more confident now. "We're going to college. I'll change her when she's ready, and not a moment sooner."

"As you wish, son", were his words._ I hope you know what you're doing_, was his thought.

xoxox

I stayed with Carlisle in his study all night. I always lost a sense of time when we were in that room. After I'd answered his question about the island and the house maintenance there, we began discussing Dartmouth, mine and Bella's class schedules, and the house we owned just off the campus' grounds. I also wanted to examine the possibility of purchasing a different house, one that I remembered from our most recent stay in the area. It was much smaller than our usual lodgings, and father away from the campus, but it seemed more fitting to me, as it was going to be just the two of us. Carlisle promised to look into the matter. When the morning sun invaded the room, we both looked at the window, surprised.

"Go on," said Carlisle, his tone tender. "She might be up by now."

I hurried back to my room, but she was no longer there. I glanced at the digital clock on my stereo. It was 8:24, later than I thought. Sudden guilt hit me; I felt somewhat selfish. Here we were, back from our honeymoon, on my wife's _birthday_, and she woke up alone in a house that for all I knew, she could hardly feel at home at.

It wasn't hard to trace her, even in a house as big as this. After weeks of shorts and swimsuits and sun-dresses, it was strange to see her wear winter clothes again. It was colder than it normally had been for the season; I suspected it would rain soon. She was sitting cross-legged on the sofa in her worn-out jeans, and a green cardigan. Her hair was down, tumbling down her back. She was on the phone. I only heard the end of the conversation as I made my way down the stairs.

"… Yeah, 7 will be great. I'll see you then. I love you too, Dad."

There was a smile on her lips when she hung up, but it was more than that. It was as if her whole face lit up after speaking to her father. It looked as if she had missed him a lot.

She noticed me then, and her smile got an inch wider. I felt relieved; it didn't seem as if she felt deserted. I returned her smile. "Good morning," I said, sitting beside her. "I assume the same rules from last year apply, and I'm not allowed to wish you happy birthday?"

She made a face, something between a smile and a frown. "You may, if you want."

"In that case, happy birthday, Love," I said, leaning forward to kiss her. She pulled away quickly afterwards, as if she didn't feel comfortable doing more than that here. "Did you speak with your father?"

She nodded, looking thrilled again. "He said he'd be able to come tonight."

"That's wonderful", I said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you want some breakfast? I'm pretty sure the kitchen is stocked."

"Yeah, I'll have a look in a bit, thanks," she replied.

There was this slight blush against her cheeks, one that didn't fade, and it kept me well distracted. There was something on her mind, I decided. She wanted to ask something, but didn't know how. "What is it, Bella?" I asked, slowly letting go of her hair.

She looked at me carefully. "I'm asking myself how to ask what I want to ask without upsetting you."

Her honesty was endearing. I smiled. "Just do. You won't be upsetting me."

"I asked you before… about going to La Push. I wanted to make sure you were still okay with it."

The urgency in her eyes didn't cease, right like in the first time she had asked me. My answer would be the same, I decided, in spite of my resentment. I _would_ make her life as happy as I possibly could. "Of course I'm still okay with it," I replied, keeping my voice light and indifferent, trying to wipe the memory of young Jacob Black off my mind.

Just like before, her whole face lit up. Her blush deepened for a slight moment as she leaned to peck my lips. I smiled, pleased with myself. It was so easy to make her happy sometimes.

xoxox

I walked her to the garage. She wanted to drive there herself, and I wanted to make sure her car was still in a good shape. Of course, Emmett was supposed to take care of it while we were gone, so I hoped that it was. Her face when she saw the car was a picture. I heard her groan in frustration. She still disliked her car.

"Drive carefully," I said, laying a brown corduroy jacket around her shoulders. She nodded and slipped her arms into the sleeves. Then she turned to face me. I brought my hands to adjust the collar of her jacket. It smelt like her, and looked all worn out. "You need a better jacket," I murmured into the crook of her neck as I leaned to place a kiss there.

"I'll be fine," she said, and even without looking, I knew her eyes were closed.

"Be back soon," I said, kissing her once more before I let her go.

I didn't leave the garage until she was a few good miles on her way. I stood there, listening, until the engine was a weak echo in the distance. Then, trying very hard not to think about her destination, I went back into the house.

_Edward, come up here!_

I rolled my eyes, wondering what Alice was up to now. I did as I was told. One had to abide when Alice commanded. I found her in the attic, bouncing, waiting impatiently for my arrival. There were open trunks everywhere; she looked even smaller than she was, standing between them. "Alice, what are you doing up here?"

Her eyes were beaming at me as she produced something from behind her back, handing it to me with flourish. "What d'you think? Isn't it _perfect_?"

I looked at the leather jacket she was holding for me to see, my forehead wrinkled in confusion for one moment before I saw my conversation with Bella replaying in her mind. My eyes narrowed. "It's about time you'll stop eavesdropping, Alice," I said, half horrified, half amused.

"Yeah, yeah, you're missing the _point_, Edward, look at it! It's the _real_ thing, straight from the 50s, she'll _love_ it!"

I took the jacket from her. It was worn out; people would pay a fortune to get the same look on new jackets today. It looked the right size for Bella. And God help me, it was just the sort of thing she would love.

Behind me, Alice giggled in agreement. "I _know_, right?"

And just like that, I had the perfect birthday gift for my wife.

xoxox

I kept tabs on the passing cars on the borderline for a few hours now, but there was no sign of her. I told myself not to panic. She hadn't seen Jacob for a while, I was sure they had a lot to catch up on. And then again, the longer she stayed there meant he forgave her… would it change the way she felt?

I knew I was complicating things far more than necessary, but in matters in which Jacob Black was concerned, it became a second nature to me. You could never be certain with that mongrel around.

_Gah, someone needs to tell him to stop fidgeting, his little wife will be here soon._

"Thanks, Rosalie, that's helpful," I hissed through gritted teeth. She merely shrugged in response as she leafed through her fashion magazine.

"Dude, what's the big deal? I think we all know who she prefers now," said Emmett. _I wish we could know in slightly more _detail_, though_.

And luckily, that was when I finally caught the sound of her car. But it was different than when she left hours ago. She was playing music earlier, horrible music at that, but music nonetheless; and now… nothing. I remembered a different time she was back from La Push, the time she spent all night crying in my arms for the loss of her friend, and I hurried back to the garage, ignoring Rosalie and Emmett's inquiring thoughts.

She just pulled into the garage when I walked in. She noticed me the moment the killed the engine, and hesitated for a brief moment. I thought I saw her take a deep breath before she went out of the car. I watched her face carefully. She looked… alright. Not brokenhearted, but not bouncing for joy either. It didn't seem like the right time to press her with questions. I opened my arms and she stepped into them, laying her head against my chest. She wasn't crying; I assumed she was beyond that. It was the first goodbye, one of many to come.

I held her close. It was all I could do to comfort her.


	6. Chapter 6 Bella

**Chapter 6**

I spent most of the day in bed, sometimes sleeping, sometimes staring blankly through the window. Luckily, Edward let me be; he knew better than pry. I figured he knew what it was all about. As for me, the intensity of the emotion caught me off-guard. I had a good time with Jake, once the ice was broken. It was only on the way home when it dawned on me that it was probably the last time I'd see him, the last time we got a chance to hang out like that. And while a part of me obviously knew it all along, it still hurt. Now I was beginning to panic over my upcoming meeting with Charlie. He wasn't my best friend. He was my _dad_. How worse would it be with Charlie? Could I handle meeting him without falling apart in his presence? I couldn't afford to do that; it was selfish and unfair. _I_ was the one leaving; the decision was mine. I was the one choosing against staying in his life.

Once I felt more composed, I changed into something more presentable, and went downstairs. Edward was playing. I could hear it the moment I opened our bedroom door. The way his fingers fluttered on the keys would frustrate even the most professional of players. His playing made the rest of them appear so… graceless. It wasn't a particular tune he was playing, just random scales, as if he was warming up. He hadn't played for a while. I idly wondered if there was a piano in the house at New Hampshire.

He stopped playing the moment I reached the bottom stair, as if he heard me.

"No, don't stop," I started protesting, but he was already standing next to me, taking my hands in his. His eyes were anxious.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better." Only once I said it, I realized I _was_ better. I just needed some time. "Will you play for me now?" I asked, inching closer.

He wrapped his arms around me, smiling now. "If you wish."

"Please?" I asked, using that tone I knew he could never resist.

"First things first," he murmured, bending a little so he could kiss me. The instant his lips touched mine, we were back on the island. I could almost hear the sea. Everything else ceased to exist, even the sorrow over my goodbye to Jacob. I became so absorbed in the sensation of his lips as they caressed mine that when he pulled away from me abruptly, I all but staggered backwards. His arms shot forward to catch me just in time. "Damn it, Alice, stop it," he hissed.

I gave him a questioning look. I was sure I heard Alice in her room when I went – Oh. Of course, she didn't have to be downstairs. "What did she say?"

"That she liked it better when I was playing," he replied through gritted teeth.

I giggled, not feeling guilty at all. "Sorry, Alice!" I called in the direction of her room.

"Sorry about that," he said, kissing my forehead. Then he took my hand again and led me towards the piano.

I sat on the bench next to him and watched him as the music resumed. He was completely lost in the melody he was creating. His eyes were shut in concentration as he let his fingers fly. He didn't do just simple scales now, but an actual melody, one of many he had composed himself. Behind us I could hear Esme and Alice as they prepared the room for Charlie's arrival. When I meant to stand up to see if they needed any help, Alice shot me a warning look as in to say she had everything under control. I was relieved to see that they didn't overdo things this time; they kept it mild. I couldn't help but wonder if this was Edward's doing. I was grateful nonetheless.

I nearly protested when the music came to a close. I blinked, as if waking from a dream. The room was empty again except for him and me. He turned to face me then with a small smile curling on his lips. He brought my face closer to his, kissing me so lightly I hardly felt it. But when I tried to pull his lips back on mine, he stopped me, holding a finger to my lips. "It might not be a good idea," he said, and there was a playful glimmer in his eyes.

"Okay. Let's go upstairs," I flashed him what I hoped was a seductive grin.

He laughed softly. "What I mean is that your father will be here in a few moments. I daresay he _will _attempt that weapon on me one of these days. And I don't want to be held responsible if he gets a heart-attack once he realizes the thing has zero affect on me."

"We wouldn't want to risk that, now, would we," I murmured, ignoring his warning, as I pressed myself against him, now more successfully. He let me kiss him, holding my face between his palms as I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck to keep myself from falling. But sure enough, not a second later, the doorbell rang. I groaned against his lips. "Later then," I whispered, pulling away from him reluctantly.

"Finally, _something_ to keep you two apart," said Alice as she waltzed towards the door. The comment was clearly meant for me, what's with her and Edward's silent communication and all. I just smiled at her, unabashed. I couldn't care less.

xoxox

In spite of my concern, seeing Charlie again was great. He even gave me an awkward bear-hug when Alice showed him in. It wasn't like him to show affection that way, so it really surprised me when he did. He shook Carlisle's hand, then Edward's, and kissed Esme's cheek, never once flinching from their unnaturally cold skin. He was less resentful to Edward than I'd ever seen him before, and I suspected it was because for the first time, I went someplace with him and came back in one piece. It was a good thing he didn't see me on our first week away; what he didn't know couldn't hurt him.

I was making my best efforts to enjoy myself, mostly for Alice's sake, knowing that she had probably made _huge_ effort not to go over the top this year. Everyone sang "happy birthday" to me, and made jokes on my account when I blushed. They made me make a wish over a candle, and open my gifts in front of everyone. Edward's suggestion to unwrap my gifts for me was chivalrous on the surface, but the message in his eyes couldn't have been clearer. After the way my birthday ended last year, he wouldn't risk paper cuts this year.

Most of my gifts this year were hand-me-downs. Well, except for the laptop I got from the Cullen siblings, one that made Charlie's eyes bulge. It was a new model, a small one that could fit anywhere, perfect for carrying around campus, they said. Charlie got me a pearl necklace that belonged to my grandmother. I got a first edition of _Wuthering Heights_ from Carlisle and Esme, in perfect condition. Carlisle said he found it in a bookshop the other day, but I suspected it came from his private book collection. Edward gave me a brown leather jacket that under any normal circumstances should have cost him a fortune. Apparently, Charlie had thought so too for he went pale until Alice declared – far too quickly to my taste – that it was just a replica.

"Is it?" I whispered to Edward when Charlie wasn't looking.

"Of course not," he whispered back, looking pleased with himself. "Alice bought it back in 1955, I believe. It's as ancient as your truck, may it rest in peace."

I smacked him for speaking ill of my deceased truck. It hurt, of course; I buried my face in his shoulder to muffle the sound of my outcry.

It all went well until Charlie turned to leave. Edward and I walked him to the door, and it was just like this morning; only now, the realization came earlier. He hugged me again, in that same awkward way. "Have a great time in college, honey," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you."

"When are you off to New Hampshire?"

"In a few days," Edward said. "It's a three days' drive, so we thought we'd leave as early as possible so we could settle in there during the weekend."

"Well, drive carefully. Call me when you get a chance. And try not to get in too much trouble, Bells."

"Gee, thanks, Dad," I laughed softly as he hugged me again.

Then, slowly pulling away from me, he looked up at Edward. "You take care of my girl."

Edward nodded seriously. "I will, of course, sir."

The tears came the moment we shut the door, warm and surprising, streaming down my cheeks. I tried to resist them – the Cullens were still in the living-room and the last thing I wanted was to make a scene – but no matter how much I tried to wipe them with my sleeve, they just kept coming.

"Hey…" Edward murmured, pulling me against his chest. And that did it. The tears turned into actual sobs, too fast for me to keep up with them. I buried my head in his shirt as I cried, and he rubbed my back soothingly. It was stupid to cry. Stupid and selfish. It was _my_ choice. But it still hurt, so much more than I thought it would, so much more than it did this morning. We stood there as my crying slowly ceased, and he rocked me gently, still saying nothing.

"I'm… sorry…" I whispered once I was able to speak again.

"Don't. I understand." He slowly pulled me away from his chest, and brushed the remaining tears with his thumb. His shirt was a mess, but he didn't seem to care. His eyes were all for me. "Do you want to go upstairs?"

"Yes, please." But when he started to lead me back towards the living-room, I stopped. "I don't want them to see me like that."

His smile was reassuring as he wrapped an arm around my waist. "Don't worry about it."

I didn't know how they managed it, but the living-room was deserted as we crossed it. Edward didn't carry me upstairs, although I half expected him to. It was as if he realized human sorrow had its own pace. He shut the bedroom door behind us as I kicked my shoes off and got ready for bed. It was only then that I realized what an incredibly long day it had been. Suddenly, I was exhausted. I climbed into bed and he was waiting for me, opening his arms. "Sleep, Love," he murmured, leaning his chin against the top of my head as I settled in his embrace. "It all will be better in the morning."

And, telling myself he had to be right, I did just that, cuddled against his marble chest.


	7. Chapter 7 Edward

*** downrating to T for all the things Twilight (implicit adult themes/situations), might go back to M if needed.

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Chapter 7

It wasn't a peaceful night for her. For the first time in weeks, she was twisting and turning in my arms, trapped in a nightmare, murmuring her father's name every few moments. I tried to shake her awake a few times, but she was well-out of it, and wouldn't stir. So I sat there and held her each time a nightmare came and went until her whimpering ceased, and waited for the next time it would hit her.

I was amazed by the way she held herself when Charlie was here. I feared their encounter, considering the way she walked in after meeting Jacob earlier in the day. I anticipated her breakdown, I kept on-guard throughout Charlie's visit, and I was relieved it came only after he left. Although it shattered me, I let her cry. She needed to let it out before it hit her at some later point, and be worse. I knew my family was worried about her as well. They all heard her cry, and I could hear them through the night, passing our door, hesitating. Their thoughts were given to her that night, even Rosalie's.

It was only natural that she would feel that way, but I hoped she realized how lucky she was. If immortality was her choice, at least she was given a chance to say goodbye for her loved ones. This was an indulgence, something none of us had. None of us was given a choice. She was lucky to get a chance to mourn.

There was also a small part of me that wished it would bring her back to her senses. If she saw what she was missing, how painful it was to lose everything and everyone she had cared for, perhaps she would change her mind about immortality. As the deal went, we were to complete a full year in Dartmouth. Hopefully she'd like it so much that one year would turn into three, but that didn't seem likely. Not with someone as stubborn as Bella.

Dawn was breaking, and she finally became still. Her breathing was less strained now, the rhythm of her heart slowing. Nonetheless, I was afraid to leave the room. It wasn't like yesterday, when she came back from the reservation. Saying goodbye to her father left a deep wound I knew wouldn't heal in the near future. From the glimpse I got into Charlie's mind the other night, I knew her departure would affect him as well, even if he hadn't quite realized it yet. He came to life when she came to live with him here. A bitter smile crawled on my lips when I realized I had one thing in common with Chief Swan. She brought us both back to life.

She sighed, then stirred in my arms. She was waking up slowly, and I remained silent, letting her take in her surroundings. Then, after a moment, she groaned. "I really did it, didn't I?" she asked, looking up at me with sleep in her eyes. I wasn't sure to which part of the evening she was referring, or if she was addressing me or herself, so I kept silent. "I'm so sorry… about last night."

I held a finger to her lips. "Don't be. I told you. I understand."

"It was tougher than I thought."

"You can always change your mind."

She shook her head. "No, I can't. I _won't_. It's one of those decisions you make that you can never take back." I smiled. She sounded so much older than her 19 years. Not that I expected any less of her. "Will you do something for me?"

"Of course. Anything."

"Don't leave me today," she looked at me earnestly, as if she was terrified I would. "Distract me, so I won't think about it."

I wondered if it was because she feared she'd change her mind, but I didn't question her. I held her against me. "If this is what you want, of course I will."

And I did. Once we were ready for the day I took her downstairs and made breakfast for her. Then we spent a few hours in our meadow until the rain sent us back into the house. She spent the afternoon with Emmett, who showed her all the different functions her new laptop had. I went back to my piano. I told myself it was so that the music would calm her down, but I was actually keeping tabs on my brother. I knew he wouldn't bother her with rude comments after last night, but I wasn't sure, and I didn't mean to risk it. But all seemed to be going well. He was sweet to her, softer than I'd ever seen him with anyone, even with Rose.

The rest of them came and went, and always asked her if there was something she needed. I could see she was feeling uncomfortable to be in the center of everyone's attention, but she'd never given them the cold shoulder, as if she knew they were worried. And as the day drew towards a close, she looked better. Her eyes were more alert and there was more color in her cheeks. She laughed from something Alice said, and asked Carlisle more questions about the first edition he had gotten her as a birthday gift. Most importantly, there were no nightmares that night. She slept soundly until the next morning. If I doubted it before, I was becoming more certain of it now. She _would_ heal. It was only a matter of time.

xoxox

We spent the next few days packing. We were to take my car, and Emmett and Jasper had gone ahead of us with everything that didn't fit in it. Like I had told Charlie, it was a three days' drive, possibly less, with my driving. We had to literally cross the country in order to get there, but I preferred driving to flying. We needed the car there, anyway.

Bella was in a good mood on the day we left Forks, to which I was grateful. It was as if she felt safer, bolder, now that Emmett was gone. She teased me endlessly about how we were going to get our alone time in New Hampshire, in our own house, where there were no vampires with super hearing to lurk in every corner.

I didn't mean to contradict her. I didn't dare to spoil her good mood. But I wondered if it _was_ possible. My hesitations remained, even after discussing things with Carlisle. It was different when it was just us on the island, with no hint of civilization whatsoever. But it wouldn't be just us in New Hampshire, so close to campus grounds. I was yearning to be alone with her just as much as she did, but would it be safe there? I guessed I had to wait and see.

It was strange, saying goodbye to my family. It was always in times like that when I realized how attached we'd all become through the years. The expression on Esme's face was heart-wrenching. I promised her we'd come to visit the moment we had the chance. Alice said they'd do a road trip to see us, once we settled in, and I was sure she and Emmett would send us dozens of emails even before that. Even Rosalie seemed sorry to see us go. Carlisle just hugged Bella and shook my hand, but his eyes spoke volumes. His thoughts were a strange mixture of joy and fear. As much as I was thrilled to go to college again, to introduce college life to Bella, I was extremely sorry to leave all of them behind.

Bella was contemplative when we got into the car after another round of hugs and kisses as they all walked us to the garage. There was something on her mind; I knew by the way her forehead wrinkled. Something was clearly bothering her. "Is it okay that we stop at my dad's work?"

The question, quiet and hesitant, caught me off-guard nonetheless. I wasn't expecting her to ask that, but then again, she had never done anything I expected her to. I looked at her seriously. "I'm not sure it's a good idea," I said gently. The memory of her restless night was still painful.

"Please?" her eyes were urgent, intent on mine. "I promise I won't break down. I just need to see him one last time."

I considered it. I understood her need to see him, but what if she broke down again? She was merely recovered from saying goodbye to him a few days ago; who was to say she wouldn't react the same way if she saw him again? But then again, how could I possibly refuse her, when she was pleading with me that way? What right did I have to deny her from seeing her own father? So I nodded, and threw the car into reverse. I looked at them in the rearview mirror one last time, and their thoughts led our way through the forest into the main road. We were by the police station in no time. She told me to wait for her in the car, but for a moment I hesitated again. What if she _would_ break down? But when she went out of the car, I saw the difference. It was there in the way she carried herself. She had made the choice; now she was accepting it.

It didn't take her long. When she stepped out, Charlie was with her, his arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder. She leaned into him, as if she wished to hold on to him for a moment longer. He opened the passenger door for her and waited until she fastened her seatbelt before he slowly shut the door and walked over to my side, bending towards the window.

"Chief Swan," I greeted him with a nod.

"Edward. Have a good journey east."

"Thank you, sir."

"Whenever you feel tired, just pull over. And make sure you get enough sleep."

I couldn't decide if that half-request, half-warning came from Charlie the father, or Chief Swan the cop, but I nodded seriously nonetheless. "Of course."

"Take care, kids. And good luck."

"Thanks, Dad. I love you," said Bella. There was strained emotion in her voice, but she didn't cry. I started the engine. "I'll give you a call when we make our first stop."

"Okay, kid. I love you, too."

Like my family earlier, he stood there and watched us as I drove away, his thoughts quiet and barely inaudible to me as always. I glanced at Bella, and then took her hand and gave it a small, encouraging squeeze.

"I'm fine. Really," she said, and for once, I actually believed her. She needed to see him before we left. Now she was alright, more reassured about this journey we were about to take.

We were both silent as we passed the sign that marked the town's boarder. And then we were on our way.

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**A/N: okay, so the chapters up until now were a sort of an introduction, so if you got the feeling this story was going kind of slowly, that's why. I hope it's gonna pick up from the next chapter on. If you like what you read _please_ drop me a review! If you think of something that can be changed or has to be changed let me know. I'm doing my best to update this story backwards if I find errors and such, so whatever you guys have to say means a lot. **


	8. Chapter 8 Bella

**A/N: today 4 years ago I joined this site, and since then I always try to post something on the day.. kind of silly, but I don't like breaking the tradition - which is, in short, the reason for this fast update. Thanks _so much_ for the reviews, everyone, please keep them coming, I truly appreciate each and every one of them. This chapter is a personal favorite of mine, so I hope you enjoy it. **

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Chapter 8

Edward shook me awake when we drove into Hanover. I was dozing off for who knew how long. I completely lost track on time at some point of the way. We were on the road for about four days now, making more stops than necessary. I suspected it was because Edward didn't mean to break the promise he had made to Charlie. I was in no hurry to get to New Hampshire. As much as I wanted to settle in already, to have a proper shower and a decent bed, I enjoyed that time on the road with him. He didn't let me drive. He never got tired, he said, so there was really no point for me to strain myself. And since there was nothing else to do – even music started to bore us at some point of the journey – we just talked, about everything, for hours. You'd expect we'd run out of things to talk about; we never did.

And now I blinked against the mild sunlight as his hand gently caressed my cheek. "We're here," he said, smiling his angel smile at me. He slowed his driving considerably as if he was giving me a chance to look around and inspect my new surroundings. It was beautiful, of course. The leaves that remained on the trees were brownish-gold, and the sight was breathtaking, like a picture. I had never seen anything like it, not in Forks, and surely not in Phoenix.

When we drove around the campus grounds, a terrified thing suddenly occurred to me. The campus was _huge_. I laughed at my girl-from-a-small-town awe. I thought I'd about seen everything after living in a city as big as Phoenix, but wow. It was bigger than I expected. And now panic started to creep in. "I'm going to get lost here. You realize it, don't you?"

He laughed. "No, you're not. It's simpler than it looks like."

"If you have super senses and survival instincts," I pointed out. "I have neither. I'm going to get lost."

"Will I _let_ you get lost?" he asked, and there was a smile in his voice. Apparently, he thought I was kidding. "There is a reason why we're here a week before the beginning of the term."

"What, you'll drop me in the middle of campus and make me follow breadcrumbs to find my way home?" I was only half-joking. But he didn't reply. We drove really slowly now, I came to realize, and looked out of the window curiously.

We were entering a driveway of the cutest house I'd ever seen. _Our_ house, I realized with sudden wonderment. It was nowhere near the dorms, which we had passed about 15 minutes ago. It was nothing like the glass and straight lines of the Cullens' estate in the outskirts of Forks. This house had no glass walls or wide rooms – from an outside look anyway. It looked warm and homey. It was two stories high and made of reddish bricks that gave it an old look. Flowerbeds led to the front door from each side of a cobbled path. It looked out of place among the more sophisticated, well-manicured houses that surrounded it, like a fairytale hut. I half expected to see smoke coming out of a chimney. I stared at it for full two minutes before his voice shook me out of my reverie.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Erm, wow, much?"

"It's pretty small."

I shook my head against the apology in his tone. "It's perfect," I said, still transfixed by the house. Then something occurred to me, and I tore my eyes away from it. "How the hell did you all fit in a tiny house like that?"

"We didn't," he said, smiling sheepishly. He ran a hand through his tousled bronze hair, an anxious look shadowing his perfect features. "This is not where we usually stay when we're in the area."

I gasped with sudden realization as I moved my astonished gaze from the house to him. "You didn't _buy_…?" I couldn't even bring myself to finish the question.

"Well that depends. Would you rather hear the cover version or the true story?"

I could only stare at him in reply.

He laughed nervously. He looked so unusually helpless. "Bella, need I remind you I can't read your mind? _Please_ tell me what you're thinking."

I couldn't believe it wasn't clear enough from the idiotic expression on my face. I threw my arms around him. "I love it."

His laughter was less strained when he slowly returned my hug. "Yes, I thought you might." Then he pulled away, grinned and me, and all but flew to the passenger door to let me out of the car.

The first thing I noticed was that the house resided in a fair distance from the rest of the houses around. It was the last house in the dead-end street. It was perfectly isolated, away from prying eyes. There was a small grove practically in our backyard. Edward's car was the only one in the driveway, I suddenly realized.

"Emmett and Jasper?"

"They left a few hours ago."

There was a note attached to the door. Edward reached out for it, snorted and passed it to me, rolling his eyes. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. It read –

_Dear Eddie and Bellie,_

_Welcome home! Try not to destroy it too fast or Jasper will lose the bet._

_We'll see you soon – have a good term!_

I burst into giggles. Emmett was _impossible_. Suddenly their fast escape made sense. Then my giggle quickly transformed into a sharp gasp when I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet. "Edward Cullen, put me_ down_!" I yelped, looking frantically around me to make sure no one was watching.

"Not a chance. This is _our_ house, which means I get to do this," he said, smiling smugly.

He unlocked the door, somehow with me still struggling in his arms, and we stepped inside. Despite the dim light that sipped through the windows, it looked even better. Everything was tiny, like a dollhouse. The floor was made out of long tiles of dark wood. There was no piano, I could immediately tell, but there were two sofas and most of the stuff from Edward's room, like his flat screen TV and that sophisticated stereo system I could never work out on my own. Our DVDs, CDs and books occupied most of the shelves around the room. The kitchen was the cutest I'd ever seen, filled with human necessities like a fridge and a microwave. The cupboards were stocked with more stuff that we – well, _I_, actually – needed.

He carried me upstairs in spite of my protests. The stairs creaked a little; I idly wondered how old this house actually was. There was one room that was to serve as a study, by the looks of it. It had a computer and more books, and a few empty shelves, for textbooks and such, I guessed. Then there was a big bathroom, furnished in purple and grey. I laughed when I noticed the bathtub, just like the one on the island. I wondered if it was always there, or if he asked it to be installed. The room next to it was slightly smaller. It only contained closets, I realized to my horror, wondering in spite of myself what was waiting inside. Surely this was Alice's idea.

He saved the bedroom for last. He stopped on the threshold, and gently put me back on my feet. Then he wrapped his arms around me as he came to stand behind me. "Welcome home," he murmured against my neck, placing a small kiss there.

Leaning into him, I looked around me. It was bigger than any other room in the house. There was a huge window with a view to our backyard and behind it, the grove. I couldn't see the campus, but I knew it couldn't be farther away. The bed was like the one in his room, from the flowery ornaments on the bedposts to the golden comforter. There was a small bathroom adjoined to this room as well. A few bags were left on the floor unpacked, and there were the stuff at the back of the Volvo. We had a lot of work to do. But first things first. I turned in his arms and brought his head down for a lingering kiss. "Thank you," I whispered, slowly pulling away. "This house is perfect," I added, in case it wasn't clear the first time around.

His smile was blinding. "I'm glad you feel that way." He kissed my forehead, and let me go. "I'll get the rest of the things from the car."

xoxox

It took us three days to sort everything out. Putting everything together was easy – having a vampire around turned out to be extremely handy – but we had to rearrange some stuff, like books we wanted upstairs instead of downstairs, fitting our clothes in Alice's wardrobe in a way that would make sense, last minute changes that needed to be done and all sorts of other problems you always ran into when you moved house. It was only by the end of the third day that we finally got the phone connected, and I called Charlie and Renée to tell them we'd arrived safely.

It was nearing midnight by the time I hung up. Edward was up in our room, reading. He looked up at me when I entered the room. I raised my hand as he put his book aside. "Don't, I'm going to take a shower first," I said, yawning. I was unbelievably tired. Of course I didn't let him unpack all by himself, in spite of his persistence. I needed to know where everything went, too, and that was the best way. I didn't feel my sore muscles until I stepped into the shower. Another yawn escaped me as I waited for the water to warm up. I wished I could just sleep for a week, but I knew that was impossible. The new term was only a few days away now.

It truly hit me only when I was standing there beneath the water stream. We were actually living together like a husband and wife should. It was just him and me. There were no vampires with super sensitive hearing to spy on us and make fun of us later on. My dad wasn't snoring in the other room. Just us.

I glanced at the suitcase that leaned against the farthest wall of the bathroom. I didn't get a chance to unpack this one, but I knew exactly what it contained. I especially remembered the last item, the one I packed on top, stuffing it hastily inside right before we left the house. Alice said it was a last minute gift, instead of the one I lost. Her statement was cryptic at the time, but once I removed the rustling gift wrapper, I recognized the black silk. My fingers fluttered against the familiar lace pattern. It was _exactly_ like the one I lost – the one that Edward tore to shreds, to be more precise.

I could feel the grin curling on my lips. Could I do this? Most of my attempts to be seductive had failed miserably in one way or another. Then again… there was no reason why I wouldn't give it a shot now. The few days we spent at the Cullens' suddenly felt like weeks. I wanted him desperately. Only now, when memories from the island surfaced, I realized how much. I let the towel drop to the floor with sudden determination as I pulled the nightie on, quickly so I wouldn't be able to change my mind. I unclipped my hair and made sure it looked okay before I took a deep breath and went back into our room.

It still had its affect. Edward didn't take his eyes off me as I sauntered towards the bed – with deliberate slowness – and climbed up next to him. I kept my smile innocent. I hoped I wasn't blushing; this time I wanted to do this right.

It looked as if he had forgotten how to breathe. His jaw clenched tightly. When he spoke, it was with effort. "Nice."

I looked at him from underneath my eyelashes, and pouted. "Just 'nice'?"

"Beautiful," he assured me, kissing me lightly.

But lightly was not what I needed. The moment he tried to pull away, I grabbed the front of his tee-shirt and pulled his lips back on mine again. His hands went to my waist instantly, and I got hold on his book, feeling blindly for the nightstand so I could lay it down. I missed, of course, and it fell to the floor with a soft thud. I couldn't care less. By then, I was straddling him, each of my legs on both sides of his waist, kissing him even more urgently. His arms were cold around me, his icy lips against my own, and still it felt as if the temperatures were slowly rising. My fingers tangled in his hair to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, but it looked as if I didn't have to worry about it. His hands were roaming over the soft fabric, and for a moment I was sure he was going to rip this one apart as well.

He sat up suddenly, taking me with him, and the next moment I was on my back with my head against the wrong side of the bed. He broke the kiss, and his cool, ragged breath made me shiver as he lowered his head to my throat, kissing my jaw, suckling on my earlobe. I moaned when his lips settled on the crook of my neck. He pulled away briefly just so I could get his shirt out of the way, and then my own fingers were everywhere, tickling, teasing. He pressed his chest against me, but even the coldness of his skin didn't cease the fire. I felt like I was burning. He grabbed a handful of silk again, groaning, and then pressed his lips firmly against mine.

It was when my hands grazed against the top button of his jeans when he suddenly went very still. He pulled away from me slowly, as if with difficulty. I tried to capture his lips in mine once more but he inched even father away. His hands gently locked around my wrists, and his eyes were very dark – almost dangerous – when he next spoke.

"Bella, stop."


	9. Chapter 9 Edward

**A/N: hi everyone, thanks so much for the feedback on the previous chapter, please keep it up! i hope you'll like this one just as much. happy reading :)**

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Chapter 9

It was one of these moments when reason was battling desire, and losing miserably. It was a test, I was certain. Someone was testing me, although I couldn't quite tell who would, or for what purpose. She had me completely, from the lace that clung to her body to the scent of her hair and the warmth of her blood pulsing just beneath her delicate skin. Her kisses were fierce, intoxicating. I remembered all too well the last time she had kissed me this way. That other night, only weeks ago on the island, desire triumphed over reason. I gave in. I gave her what she wanted. But if it was what _I_ wanted as well, where was the harm in that? I managed to keep her safe that night. I didn't hurt her. And we were married. She was my wife. There was no need to resist this, to resist _her_.

But second thoughts were stronger than desire. I was still trying to hold on to reason when they hit. I grabbed the soft material with my fist, groaning in frustration, trying to push them away. The ache down my throat grew stronger. I kissed her harder; it would disappear if I didn't think about it. But it was still wrong and I knew it. I didn't hurt her then, but it didn't mean I wouldn't hurt her now. There was always the chance. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt her. A few frenzied moments weren't worth hurting her, _killing_ her. It was easy on the island, so much easier, but now I felt as if I was under a constant trial. And Carlisle was wrong. I hadn't mastered anything. I was far from that.

Her trailing fingers snapped me back into reality. Her lips still caressed mine, matching the fluttering movement of her fingers. I reacted the moment I realized where she was headed. "Bella, stop," I breathed, mustering every bit of my crumpling willpower to utter the words.

But it didn't help. She just smiled her angelic smile at me and yanked the button open, letting her fingers drift farther away, graze my skin just bellow the hem of my jeans. "Bella, _stop_!" I growled, now using more force to pull myself away from her.

She lay there for a moment, as if she wasn't sure what had just happened. To be honest, neither was I. Then she sat up and stared at me in shock. "What's wrong?" she whispered. Her hair was in tangles. One of her straps slid down her shoulder, revealing more of her skin. Her eyes looked huge. The betrayal in her stare was far too familiar. I had to look away. "Edward, _look at me_," she demanded, suddenly furious, as she tried to grab my arm. There was a muffled hiss, as if the motion hurt her. I slowly turned to face her. The rejection in her eyes was stronger than betrayal, wounding me just the same. "_Please_ tell me this is not about what I think it is." Then, as if she could read the answer in my face, she sighed. "I don't believe this," she whispered, and climbed out of bed.

"Bella, wait. Please let me explain."

But she had already slammed the bathroom door behind her. "I'm fed up with explanations."

To me, her voice sounded clear, even though the wooden door. The fact she was speaking through tears was also clear. I sighed and refastened the button she had gotten undone, then grabbed my shirt from the floor and pulled it back on, now with anger. Then I sat at the edge of the bed, holding my head between my hands. It was beyond ironic. I was trying to protect her, and I ended up hurting her all the more. It was a cruel Catch 22.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, her eyes red but tearless, she wore sweatpants and a tanktop. I stood up, meaning to walk towards her. She ignored me completely as she snagged a pillow and tore the comforter from the bed in rage.

"What are you doing?" I asked, well-aware of the desperation in my voice.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm sure you don't need to read my mind to figure that much out," she said acidly.

"You are not going to spend the night on the sofa."

"This is exactly what I'm going to do, get out of my way."

I reached the door mil-second before her and stood against it, blocking her access. She huffed impatiently and glared at me. There was fire in her eyes now, as if she meant to fight back. I tried to touch her cheek; for the first time ever, she flinched away. "Please listen to me." She exhaled and gave me a challenging look. And now that I finally had her attention, I didn't know where to begin. "I don't want to hurt you," I said eventually, but the moment the words were out, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. She'd heard it too many times from me before.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but we've been through this and through this. You _can't_ hurt me, Edward, you _won't_ hurt me, I'm _not_ more breakable than I was on the island!"

"No, but I'm more dangerous."

"You just keep saying that!" she yelled at me, frustrated. "Don't you see what's going on here? We're… You're… _regressing_!"

I felt horrible. I should have known rejecting her would be even worse. I couldn't give her what she wanted, then completely deny it from her. Wasn't that part of the reason she agreed to remain human, part of the reason why we were about to attend college? I should be grateful to her, not denying things from her. My mind worked frantically. I had to fix this. But how? She wouldn't listen to any more excuses, and this was what they were, empty excuses, because I obviously _could_ control myself when I tried hard enough.

I reached for her face, taking advantage on a moment of distraction on her side. She tried to resist me, but I wasn't going to let her go. I placed my palms on both sides of her face, locking my gaze with hers. "I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep you safe when we're… when I'm with you like that. I could hardly keep you safe on the island so let alone here…" My voice trailed off. Her eyes were intent on mine, but she didn't seem convinced. "I could hardly forgive myself when I saw those bruises… how do you think I would feel if I did it _here_, where people can – " I took a deep breath. Even thinking about it was too much to bear. I looked at her pleadingly. "Can't you just… trust me, and do this my way?"

Her eyes narrowed; I let go of her face instinctively, and then she exploded. "No, Edward, as a matter of fact, I can't, because in the past few months we did _everything_ your way. The wedding, coming here, staying _human_, because apparently you think you're the only one who knows what's best for me, aren't you? So no. If you don't mind, for the first time, I want to do things _my_ way!"

I let her shove me aside. There was no way she could have managed it by herself. I watched her as she stormed out of the room. The stairs groaned beneath her angry steps. I listened until I heard her in the bottom floor, and only then I shut the door quietly behind me.

She had every right to be furious. And she was right. We always did things my way, starting from the day I saved her from Tyler's van. She lied for me then without knowing why, because from some reason, she trusted me when I told her it was safer. She went against everything she had believed in when she married me, and she accepted the college plan which had been my idea in the first place. And there was that one time, the only time I wished to forget, when I believed that leaving her was for her own good, and I only ended up damaging her all the more. I shuddered when I thought about that dark time in my life, about how I had almost lost her thanks to my own stupidity, and how lucky I was that in spite of everything I had put her through, somehow she took me back.

Perhaps this was where I was wrong. Perhaps doing things my way was what hurt her. Whereas some of it was definitely right – I couldn't help but smile when I glanced at my wedding band – some of it, if not most of it, had gone terribly wrong. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I wanted her to be happy. She chose me. She was willing to leave everything behind – her family, her friends, her _life_ – in order to spend eternity with me. She was sacrificing everything for me and I was constantly letting her down. Perhaps doing things her way _was_ the solution.

I sat up with sudden resolution. I wouldn't know until I tried. I would never know how not to hurt her if I didn't try not to. More than anything, I wanted to make her happy. I wasn't doing very well, if she spent the night downstairs alone. I didn't know what time it was, or how long it had been since she stormed out, but I didn't care. I needed to set things right.

I was out of the room in a second. I meant to do all it took to make her see reason. I loved her, desperately. I was nothing without her. She had to know that. She had to know that I was –

I hit something halfway down the stairs. Her scent overpowered me; she gasped in surprise as she bumped into me. My arms shot forward to catch her before she staggered backwards. Was she on her way up? I looked at her questionably. Her face was stained with tears. She threw her arms around me and then her lips were everywhere, spreading soft kisses all over my face. "I'm sorry," she murmured, over and over again, but even that felt wrong. _She_ shouldn't be apologizing. _I_ should have been the one comforting _her_.

"Shh…" I said, slowly wrapping my arms around her. We just stood there for a moment, holding each other in silence. Then, when she seemed somewhat more composed, I pulled away just so I could look at her. I put a finger to her chin, raising her face slightly. Her eyes locked with mine, filled with questions. When I was sure I had her attention, I kissed her, slowly, as if I was doing it for the first time. The fire down my throat was steady, but I ignored it now completely. She was more important than this, than anything. I _would_ focus on making her happy.

I pulled away from her when the rhythm of her heart began to soar, only to press my lips against the crook of her neck. Her hands locked in my hair as she threw her head back. Somehow remembering we were still standing in the middle of the staircase, I pinned her against the wall as I trailed my lips up her throat, to her chin, her jaw. She wrapped her leg around my waist. I brought one hand beneath her knee to steady her; she pressed against me even more. I kissed my way to her ear. "Come back to bed now, please."

It was half a question, half a statement, and she went still nonetheless. She opened her eyes with difficulty and stared at me, as if she was expecting me to back off again. But I wasn't going to. I kept my eyes locked with hers, hoping my intentions were clear. "Are you sure – "

I held a finger to her lips. "I love you. We're doing this _your_ way."

The most beautiful smile suddenly curled on her lips before she brought them back to mine. I kissed her more fiercely now, filling with new confidence. It was easy, really. It was all a matter of practice, like she insisted, like Carlisle had promised.

As I carried her upstairs, I made a vow. She would never cry because of me again.


	10. Chapter 10 Bella

**A/N: This is the time to point out that I've never attended Dartmouth, and so the little I know about it comes from a very brief research online. However, I did do a BA in English so I put it to good use in this story. The names of lecturers and timetables are completely fictional. Happy reading, everyone, comments/reviews are still awesome :)**

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Chapter 10**

Doing things my way was… strange, at first at least. I was still extremely shaken by our argument – I refused to call it a fight – a few days ago. I could tell that Edward was, too, by a sudden shadow that crossed his face every now and again, or the way he held me sometimes, as if I would disappear if he didn't. Nonetheless, I was glad it happened. I didn't even realize I felt that way until I yelled it in his face. Of course, a part of me had known it all along, but I didn't think I realized the intensity of my dependency on him until I faced it. Hmm. Maybe I was headed towards the wrong major. I should have picked Psychology, not English.

I knew I was awake. The usual morning sounds resonated around me, and there was this light that hurt my eyelids, but I was too tired, and way too comfortable, to move. The last few days were exhausting, but in a good way. The college had an orientation week for new students, but we missed most of it because of the move. We ended up doing our own private tour instead. Of course, wherever we went, people were staring. I tried not to let it get to me, especially when it was girls who stared shamelessly at Edward. He didn't even see them, and after a while, I stopped seeing them as well. At some point, I didn't really care. He was _mine_. I smiled to myself as this amazing realization hit me once more, and snuggled closer to him, betraying my sleeping apparel for just a second.

There was a low chuckle over my head. "I can feel you're awake," he murmured, kissing the top of my head.

Oops. "No, I'm not," I replied, burying my face in his shirt.

He smirked. "Do you want to be late for your first class?"

I raised my head lazily. His eyes were leering at me. He looked all excited, like a little kid who was about to start school for the first time. "It looks like I'm supposed to say no," I said thoughtfully, crawling up a bit, "but with a better alternative…" I grinned at him before I pressed my lips to his throat, letting my tongue brush against his cold skin, my newly-discovered tactic. College orientation was not _all_ we'd done in the past few days.

I heard his sharp intake of breath before his hands came to rest against my waist, holding me closer. "That's a very _bad_ alternative," he muttered as I let my fingers drift beneath his shirt and up his chest.

"_I_ don't think it is," I said, trailing kisses to his collarbone, my nails grazing his skin. He hissed and held me tighter. "I can always stop if you want me to."

"Don't…"

I pulled away just enough to throw him an innocent look. "What was that?"

His eyes were dark, and he was breathing with difficulty now. "Don't… stop…"

"That's more like it," I smiled, bringing my lips down to his.

It looked like the right time to make some changes in my statement. Doing things my way was _great_.

xoxox

I wasn't scared of getting lost anymore. Edward knew the campus like the palm of his hand, although I was pretty sure he didn't attend Dartmouth more than once. He showed me everything I needed to know: the building where most of the English classes took place, the library, the main cafeteria and other cafés around campus. So by the time he kissed me goodbye and took the opposite way from mine down the hall, towards his own class, I wasn't that terrified about finding my way.

The huge lecture rooms didn't frighten me. Nor did the fact I had never taken a class with over 100 students before in my life. Although my schedule consisted on introductory courses, I was familiar with most of the items on my reading lists, so that didn't frighten me either. I was completely overwhelmed by the enormity of everything. It made me feel all small and insignificance, almost invisible. And that actually made me sort of relieved. I _could_ be invisible here. I didn't have to be Isabella Swan, the Chief's daughter, magnet for trouble. I was Bella Cullen, and no one knew me. As far as I was concerned, that was _perfect_.

My confidence didn't last very long. After my second class, I became _quite_ terrified by courses' requisites. It seemed impossible. Too many things to read simultaneously… research… mid-terms… final papers… what did I know about academic writing? After only two classes it dawned on me that up until now, throughout high-school, no one actually taught me how to think, not in Phoenix, and surely not in Forks. How was I supposed to readjust my mind so fast?

As I followed the stream of students in another maze of hallways, I used the time to examine my Introduction to Drama syllabus in more detail. Greek Theatre… Elizabethan Drama… Contemporary Drama… Sophocles, Shakespeare, Stoppard… And as I read through it, a heavy sigh escaped me, betraying my calm façade. It took me a moment to realize it was second thoughts. Could I do this? Could anyone? Maybe I was better off in a small, meaningless college where people didn't expect too much of me. To be honest, I didn't expect so much of myself.

I knew I could never reveal my panic to Edward. Whatever I was feeling, I had to keep it away from him, to drown in despair only when I was alone. He was so looking forward to Dartmouth. Me going to college was one of his biggest fantasies, not that I could figure out why. I could think of better things to remain human for. So how did it happen? Why was he so damn persuasive all the time? How was it that he was constantly having his way? I should never have let him talk me into this, I should never have –

I felt the blow before I realized I hit something. "Damn it," I muttered. It was so embarrassing. Apparently you could still be a klutz in an Ivy League college.

"Shoot, I'm so sorry."

I blinked, realizing only then it was a person I hit. The second thing I noticed was the papers and textbooks in enormous disarray all around us. I could feel the blood rush to my face; my cheeks were flaring. I groaned inwardly. So much for invisibility.

"Are you okay?"

Blinking again, I realized that the guy I bumped into was still there. To say he looked out of place would be the understatement of the century. The people I'd noticed so far all looked as if they had stepped out of a fashion magazine – Alice would have probably fit right in – but this guy was wearing a faded grey tee-shirt with a plaid flannel shirt on top. Even I was better dressed than he was, and that was a hard thing to pull off, in my case. He was cute, in a dorky kind of way: light brown hair, bluish-gray eyes. His expression was half concerned, half amused as he eyed me curiously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that," I mumbled, trying to find my stuff in the mess, now cursing the world for not placing everything in my binder when I had the chance.

"No worries," he smiled, shoving his things into a pile and handing me the rest. "I'm Ethan by the way. Ethan Thomas."

"Bella Cullen." It rang strangely in my ears. It was the first time I introduced myself that way, I realized with a smile.

"You're new here, aren't you?" he asked as we both stood back up.

I laughed bitterly at his observation. "Is it that obvious?"

He smiled, looking at me sideways as we resumed our walk. "You just remind me of someone." His smile widened at my non-comprehending expression. "Myself. I'm here on a scholarship, so I'm trying not to mess it up."

"How is it going so far?"

"To be honest, not so great. This place is so… intimidating."

I smirked. "No kidding." I could definitely relate to _that_.

"What about you?"

"Same, sort of." Surely I wasn't there on my own right, so I might as well go with the scholarship version.

"What's your major?"

"English."

His face lit up. He reminded me of someone, but my mind was in too much of a blur to decide who. "No way, mine too! Is Johnston your next class?"

"Umm, no, I've got Stone now. Narrative Analysis."

"Oh, I'm doing this one with Emerson tomorrow." By now, we were standing in front of the room where my next class was. There was an awkward pause. He hesitated, then said, "Well, maybe I'll see you around."

I smiled. He was the first friendly person I'd met all day. "Good luck."

He waved and became one of the hurrying crowds in no time.

I walked into yet another large room, less overwhelmed this time. I still had about 15 more minutes before the beginning of class, so I decided it was time to be more courageous. I spent my first two classes sitting far back; I was too terrified I'd do something stupid like stumble down the stairs. There was a vacant seat at the end of the fifth row, so I hurried towards it.

I looked around me. People sat in groups of twos and threes and talked as if they had known each other all their lives, although I was pretty sure most of them were new like me and never saw those other people in their life. I took out my notepad and a pen and started doodling in the margins. I idly wondered what Edward was doing. I smiled as I thought of the way his eyes smoldered at me this morning. The day felt incredibly long all of a sudden. I couldn't remember his schedule, but I knew none of his classes clashed with mine today. I'd only see him at home later, and thankfully, this was my last class today, so 'later' wasn't much longer.

I dropped the pen and reached for the side-pocket of my bag to get my cell-phone. I'd feel better if I could just text him. I thought he was home by now, but I wasn't sure, so I quickly typed – _are you home yet?_

But I never got around to sending it. There was a soft thud on my left. I raised my head to acknowledge whoever it was. She was a redhead, and she had expensive-looking glasses. She smiled at me kindly. "I saw you today. You were in my Intro to Drama class, with Streit, weren't you?"

Well, that explained the recognition I thought I saw in her eyes. "Yeah."

"I recognized you by the jacket," she giggled, giving my leather jacket, the one Edward got me for my birthday, an appreciative look. "You were sitting at the end of my row."

"I'm not very good with remembering faces," I apologized, blushing.

"It's okay. I told you, it was the jacket. I guess it makes _me_ look worse," she said, smiling. "I'm Lara."

I shook her outstretched hand. "Bella."

"How amazing is this place? Hardly noon, and I've met at least 3 cute guys today," said Lara, giggling again. So she was one of _those_ girls, I thought as Jessica's image crossed my mind.

"Really?" I asked, not really interested, as I placed my cell-phone back in my bag.

But she didn't even notice my response. She just wanted to talk, by the looks of it. "Cutest one _by far_ is in my Philosophy class. That one was just out of this _world_! There was just something about him – "

Now I smiled. I had a feeling I knew exactly whom she was talking about.

" – So we both can find cute guys to hang out with!" she completed a sentence I didn't really hear. But then she stopped and looked at me, and I realized she was expecting me to say something.

"Uhh… it's kind of too late for me, I already found my cute guy," I said, my eyes darting towards my left hand in my lap. Her eyes followed mine, and she started.

"Oh! I didn't think you'd be married, you look so young – "

But as if she caught herself, she never completed that thought, the one that was mine about two months ago. Luckily, she didn't linger on that topic. We fell into an idle conversation about the places we came from and the high-schools we attended. We compared schedules and classes; we shared most of them, which was nice, because in spite of my initial impression of her, she turned out to be pretty nice. By the time class started, I felt slightly more reassured. I was going to make the best out of this experience, I decided. If this was my last human experience, it was going to be a great one.


	11. Chapter 11 Edward

**Chapter 11**

Bella seemed rather confident when I said goodbye to her that morning, which was a good sign, and still, I was worried about her throughout my first two classes. I couldn't keep tabs on her, not only because I didn't know any of her classmates yet, but also because her classes took place across the hall and two floors down from my own, and my hearing range wasn't that wide. I was anxious to know how she was doing, if she was having fun, if she had good lecturers. More than anything, I wanted her to enjoy her time here. College would do her good, I thought. She was intelligent, brighter than any student I'd met in my two years at Forks high-school. She could do well here. She could be someone.

It was strange to be out in the world again. Ever since the wedding, it felt as if we were trapped in a bubble, just the two of us. First there was Isle Esme, where there was literally no one around, and then during the few days with my family, we were in the isolation of the forest, and then we got here. We kept to ourselves when I showed her around. It felt ridiculous and selfish, but it was almost as if I didn't want to share her – _us_ – with others. I suddenly realized how Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper must have felt. Everything around us felt too noisy, too crowded. I almost regretted leaving home this morning, knowing it meant our alone-time was almost up. Naturally she would make friends. It was inevitable, in a place like this. And in that respect, I almost envied her. I couldn't afford making friends, but I hoped that Bella would. I smiled to myself. I liked being in our bubble. I was different when I was with her. I was… softer, somehow, and more confident. I could be myself only around her. It was as if we were two matching parts of one whole; I didn't feel complete without her now.

My syllabuses looked promising, and I was looking forward to most of my classes, but I knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate in any of them, not until I was reassured she was alright. I was tempted to find her in-between classes, just to make sure, but I decided against it as soon as the idea had crossed my mind. I didn't want to unnerve her in case she wasn't well-settled yet. Besides, she wouldn't want me to barge in on her that way. I wanted to give her time to adjust. I'd hear it all in the evening, when she was back.

My smile got an inch wider when I thought of this morning. Her reaction when I walked her to the door was priceless. "What are you doing?" she asked, perplexed.

I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "I have a class at 10 too, remember?"

She glanced outside, then back at me, as if I was missing some important point. "But it's sunny."

"I have my own ways to get there," I replied, smiling.

"How – "

I put a finger to her lips and flashed a reassuring smile at her. "I'll meet you at the entrance of our building."

Carlisle had taught me all the necessary detours just for that purpose. No one would mind my frequent absences on sunny days in college, but as I was so looking forward to starting college, it seemed rather pointless to miss my first day back. If I ran through the grove, unseen, I could get to our building through a side door, and no one would notice me. Then I would have to remain indoors until sunset, or leave the way I came. It was a safe plan. Carlisle used it in the schools he used to teach, mostly during summertime, when the sun was late to set.

_Yum, look at _him_!_

The unfamiliar voice shook me out of my reverie. I stopped my head from snapping up; I kept my eyes on the speaking professor on the podium, pretending to listen intently. The voice came from my left. The same kind of thoughts resonated around me throughout the morning, and I managed to screen them, for the most part. I got so distracted with thoughts about this morning, that for a moment I left my defenses down. I looked sideways quickly, casually casting a glance around me. The redhead, the one who uttered the thought, I figured, turned away from me abruptly, blushing. _Damn, damn, _damn_, I hope he didn't catch me staring at him!_

As the class continued, I tried hard to ignore her superficial thoughts. Clearly, she wasn't paying attention to anything that was said at the front of the room. She was too busy scrutinizing my every movement. She liked my hair color, and tried to work enough courage to tell me that and ask if it was mine. She mused whether my jacket was by Dolce and Gabbana, because her brother had the same one in black. Then she feared she wouldn't be able to get to her next class on time, and wondered if her weekend in Vermont could still go as planned. She wondered if her top was too see-through, and reflected on it advantages and disadvantages on the first day of school. She regretted buying her smart-looking glasses, and hoped she'd gone with the contacts after all. It was a _long_ class, trying to ignore all that.

The day dragged. Most of my courses were introductory ones; it was our first year, after all, so that was to be expected. The self-absorbed redhead seemed to have only one course with me, which was fortunate. That was not to say that there weren't others like her, some of which were much blunter with their thoughts. In this respect, Dartmouth was just like Forks high-school. I tried to shut out my mind, hoping to distract myself. But thinking of Bella made me restless, so I tried to think of how we were going to spend the evening. Bella's last class ended at 6, which gave me about two hours alone. I knew she would probably be exhausted by the time she got home, which was why I thought the plan that was forming in mind was perfect. The idea of handling human food was repulsive, but I decided I could probably hold my breath for enough time to handle it.

_Ding _dong_! Maybe Philosophy won't be a _complete_ waste of time after all! Maybe he'd go over those Greek terms with me, if I'm nice enough?_

_Handsome _and_ smart. So unfair. _Something_ has to be wrong with him; he's too perfect to be real. I bet he's gay. _

_Ooooh, get me one of those! He's gorgeous. Look at that _smile_! Sigh._

_What this guy is doing here is beyond me. He should shoot fashion ads. Preferably for swimsuits._

I groaned inwardly at the mental image and turned away from their lustful thoughts. Focus. Dinner for Bella. Now what would it be? I knew the names of the things she liked, but it was like knowing words in Chinese. It meant nothing to me. It all tasted the same; I tried some of it on various occasions. I cringed, remembering the few times I had to pretend having dinner with her and Charlie, when he got too suspicious about my eating habits, or the lack of them. _That_ was an experience I'd rather put behind me. I knew Bella had a notebook with recipes she'd brought all the way from Phoenix, so I thought I'd have a look. How complicated could it possibly be?

xoxox

_Extremely_ complicated, was the answer. Never in my existence had I felt more helpless. I decided to make lasagna, because it seemed simple enough on the page. It took me ten minutes just to figure out what was what. I had both the cupboards and the fridge open as I tried to eliminate items from the little I'd known about human food. When I finally found everything I needed, I set the ingredients on the counter. The smell was revolting; I held my breath. I was determined to do this right. I followed the instructions carefully, adding the red substance Bella described as mashed tomatoes, dropping in some garlic and what looked like tree leaves. They smelled odd, not like tree leaves at all. I set the pot on the stove, and turned to place the lasagna leaves on a baking dish. My face cringed in disgust with every new instruction. How could anyone consider eating _that_?

For the next 15 minutes or so, everything seemed to be going well.

And then the telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"We're just making sure Alice is still a reliable source, are you _cooking_, dude?"

I rolled my eyes. I should have seen it coming. "Yes, Alice is still a reliable source."

"He _is_ cooking!" Emmett said to whomever it was who stood next to him.

Jasper, apparently. "Seriously man, _human food_? Are you _insane_?"

"Well, Bella isn't home yet – "

"_Oh_. You're cooking for _Bella_," he said, stressing her name in a way that made it easy to guess what he was thinking. Even if I couldn't know it for certain in that distance, I could imagine the exact expression on their faces.

Emmett had the phone again. "And what did she, uhh, _do_, to make you return the favor?"

"Goodbye, Emmett," I said dryly. I had more important things to do than having to listen to my brothers' long-distant innuendoes.

"No, wait! Did you destroy the house yet?"

I hung up on him, laughing to myself. I seriously hoped Alice kept all talking of my wife's lingerie to herself, or Emmett would never leave us alone.

A quick glance in the oven told me that I probably did something right – it looked like what Bella used to make for Charlie, from the endless hours I'd spent in their kitchen. I didn't dare tasting the thing; I wouldn't know if it was good or not anyway. Slightly more reassured now, I walked into the living-room and chose a CD of a piano concert by Chopin, one I knew Bella liked too. I sank into the sofa and leaned my head back, letting the music fill me. My fingers fluttered on imaginary keys, following the scales, as if I had my piano there. I knew it was a rare moment of relaxation; the next week was going to be hectic after the first week introductions. Funny, but I was actually looking forward to that. It had been a while.

I could hear her through the music. She was still quite far, but her footsteps were audible to me. Would she be smiling? Stressed? Did she have a good day, or would she walk in crying that she wanted to go home? What would I do if she did?

But as soon as she stepped into the house, my worries were all gone. Her eyes met mine, and her face lit up. I was by her side in an instant, leaning down to kiss her. The long duration of the day had suddenly dawned on me. It'd been a while since I was away from her for so long. "Welcome home," I murmured, slowly pulling away.

"Mmm…. Thank you," she smiled against my lips. Then she sniffed, and looked at me suspiciously. "What's that smell?"

I struggled to keep my expression casual. "Your dinner."

She gawked at me. "You _cooked_?"

I shrugged. "I tried. Emmett and Jasper think I've lost my mind."

"_Have_ you?" she asked, now amused. But before I could reply, she stood on tiptoes and kissed me again. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome," I smiled. I pulled away from her reluctantly and gave her a little push in the direction of the stairs. "Take a shower. It should be ready by the time you're done."

It looked like I did something right, because she seemed to enjoy her dinner. She told me about how her day had been as she ate. To my enormous relief, she seemed to like it. Most of her classes today were interesting, she said. She dreaded her next day's class because it had poetry in it. She met some nice people. There was this girl who took most of the classes with her, and she was okay. Then we moved back into the living-room, and she cuddled against me as we went over her syllabuses. Nothing really changed much. English was the first thing I studied the first time I enrolled into college, and most of the titles were still on that list, 60-odd years later.

"How was your day?" she asked, yawning, as she learned her head against my shoulder.

I smiled. "Interesting."

"Lots of new voices, huh?"

It always made me laugh when she was speaking of my inhuman abilities as if they were the most trivial thing in the world. "You'd be surprised to know how… _similar_ they can be," I said, frowning now as I thought of the vanity I had to endure throughout the day. "For the most part, I managed to block them out, but…" My voice trailed off when I suddenly realized there was a change in her breathing. It slowed considerably, and became steadier. I glanced down at her, and sure enough, she was fast asleep against my shoulder. I smiled as I reached out to brush her hair from her forehead. It had been a long day.

She didn't budge as I scooped her in my arms and carried her up to bed. I studied her expression carefully that night. There was no stress, nor pain. She seemed calm, peaceful. I hoped it meant she wasn't suffering throughout her first day. I shuddered as I thought back of her nightmares, the ones she had had on the island. I held her tighter, hoping to shield her from them. She hadn't had any nightmares for weeks now. I hoped they would never come back to haunt her again.

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**You know how Bella is exactly Edward's brand of heroin? Well, reviews/comments/feedback are mine ;)**


	12. Chapter 12 Bella

**because everyone loves speedy updates... happy reading, _please review_ :)**

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**Chapter 12**

On Thursday, as our second week in college came to a close, I laughed at myself. I was fidgeting in the kitchen, actually eager to be on my way. The last few days were hectic and stressful, but in a good way. I met two more girls I liked, who happened to be in most of my classes. We seemed to have more in common than Lara and I had. Mostly, we shared our passionate hate for one class in particular, where we studied theories by Freud and Lacan that seemed to have nothing to do with literature at all. Unfortunately, the class was mandatory for first year students, and this was how we found each other, groaning to ourselves in frustration throughout the lesson during the first week. Somehow our eyes met and that was it. We started talking right afterwards, and became inseparable ever since.

Alexia was the tallest among us, and she had dark curly hair and a great smile. Jamie was tiny, shorter than me, and her hair was honey-colored, the kind I always wanted to have, but was never lucky enough. I liked Alexia's sharp, sarcastic sense of humor; I shared my obsession for classics with Jamie. Talking to them, I didn't get that girl-from-a-small-town feeling that others had often given me here. They actually found my story fascinating, moving from Phoenix to godforsaken Forks. Both of them were from a wealthy suburb someplace in Boston and stayed there most of their lives. Their parents had known each other for years. And while they didn't attend the same high-school, their paths finally came to cross here.

It wasn't like me, to make friends so easily. Me, the invisible girl. And to be honest, I feared our friendship. I didn't intend to get myself attached to anyone here. We were only here for one year. I couldn't have more friendships I'd have to break later on. I still wasn't healed from the ones I had left behind. When we first started talking, I was hesitant, determined not to let them in, but then at some point, I gave up. They were too much like me. I knew them for less than two weeks, but it felt as if it'd been years. And Dartmouth was the kind of place where you had to have someone to speak to, or you could have gone mad.

Speaking of going mad, I grunted when I emptied my bag for the fifth time this morning. I couldn't find my Intro to Drama syllabus _anywhere_, and I could have sworn I'd seen it a few days ago along with my notes. I needed it because I remembered we had an assignment due the following week, and I meant to take a few books out of the library for it… I was going to be incredibly late if I didn't hurry up.

I heard my cell-phone beep. It took me five more minutes to find it among the stuff I just took out of my bag. The screen was still blinking when I retrieved it eventually, announcing a new text message. _I miss you already. Meet me for lunch? E_. His perfect face filled my mind then, sending the stressed thoughts away. His first class started at 8, so I was just waking up when he left. I felt my lips curl into a smile as typed in a quick reply to his text. Tuesdays and Thursdays were the only days where we could meet at some point during the day. For the rest of the school week our schedules were so different that I could only see him before we left home, or in the evening. I wasn't used to be away from him for so long. It made concentrating in class tougher, but I hoped I'd get over it with a little practice.

Once I hit the 'send' button, I stuffed the cell-phone in my bag along with the rest of my things. I had to leave, and so I gave up my search eventually. I was sure Alexia had a copy I could look at once I got to class.

xoxox

Introduction to Poetry was torture as always. We had a pop quiz, for the second time this week. Since I had done my reading for today, it was fairly easy, but I was still stressing. I could sense an unpleasant pattern in the making. Tuesdays and Thursdays were going to be _hell_. I had two courses on those days, none of which held much interest for me. If it wasn't for Alexia and Jamie, I would never have survived them.

"So what are you doing until Sherwood? Do you want to have a quick lunch together?" Alexia asked as we were hastily packing our stuff, the faster to make our escape. They hated Intro to Poetry as passionately as I did.

"Actually, I can't, guys, I'm meeting my husband for lunch," I said, blushing. That _word_…

Alexia cooed, somehow knowing exactly how to make me blush harder. "Well okay, but for his sake, I hope he comes to pick you up from here."

Jamie nodded her agreement, flashing a grin at me. "You won't be able to hide this guy forever, you know."

Well actually, I hoped I could. I spoke about him only briefly; I didn't even think I mentioned his name to them. One more reason I liked them was that unlike Lara on that first day, they never made a big deal out of the ring on my finger. I didn't know if they saw I was uncomfortable speaking about it, or if it was just the way they were, but they never tried to pry more than those teasing comments, and for that I was grateful to them.

We made our way up the stairs towards the exit of the auditorium. Alexia and Jamie were discussing their lunch plans. I was lagging behind, not really listening. My eyes were searching furiously now, as we gained closer to the door. I knew he would be there, waiting. Already my heart was beating faster than usual. It was like Forks high-school all over again.

"Erm, _wow_, look at _that one_," Alexia's not-so-quiet hiss disrupted my daydream and sent my heart flying. My eyes followed hers, and sure enough, there he was, leaning against the opposite wall, a pile of books in his arms. "Is he in our class?" she wondered aloud, just as his eyes met mine.

The expression on the girls' faces as he walked towards us was a picture, but I didn't linger on them. My eyes were all for him now. I smiled at him as he moved towards me in a human pace, his steps somehow graceful, even while he was pushing through the crowd. He returned my smile, seeing nothing else, it seemed. I could feel his restraint as he pecked my lips. "Hello."

"Hi," my smile got an inch wider. You would expect I'd get over the silly honeymoon bliss by now.

"How is your day going so far?" he asked, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"I think it's just getting better."

Someone cleared his throat. I blinked, and realized the girls were still standing there, watching us curiously. My cheeks burnt. I didn't have to look at Edward to know how smug he looked.

"Uhh, Alexia, Jamie, that's Edward, he's my…" my voice trailed off. I couldn't possibly say the word again. They understood nonetheless. Alexia tried to hold back a gasp.

"_That_'s your husband?" Jamie hissed.

By the look on Edward's face, I was sure he could hear it, and well beyond. I sulked at him when they weren't looking. He flashed a smile at them; I could see the affect it had on them instantly. "Pleasure to meet you," he said, nodding to each without shaking their hands. For a moment, I wondered how they would react to his cold, hard skin. I guessed he didn't want to attempt it. When he looked back at me, his eyes were urgent. "Are you ready to go?"

"Sure. I'll see you guys later?"

"Of course. Enjoy your lunch. It was nice meeting you, Edward," said Alexia, her tone diplomatic and polite, but there was more to her smile. I didn't have to read her mind to know it meant, _you – us – later – details!_ I sighed as we took the opposite direction from theirs.

"They'll want to know everything, you know," Edward said as we made our way downstairs, giving my waist a tiny squeeze.

I groaned more audibly now. "I suspected as much. I might as well ditch so I won't have to face this conversation."

He looked at me reproachfully, but the glimmer in his eyes was clear. "On the second week of the term, Bella?"

"It won't make much difference with the class I have later," I said, well-aware of the desperation in my voice. It was that pointless class, the one which didn't make sense to any of us. I knew what it meant. There was no chance we would be listening. They'd have 90 uninterrupted minutes to interrogate me. The thought alone made my skin crawl.

"So where do you want to eat?" he asked, changing the subject altogether as he steered me out of the building. It was cloudy today, so we could spend lunchtime outdoors.

"I think I'll just grab a sandwich and we could find someplace quiet," I said. I didn't care where I was, as long as he was there with me. He still had his arm around me, and I leaned into his embrace, just wishing to feel him close. More than anything I wanted him to kiss me, _really_ kiss me, but I knew he wouldn't. He never did on campus grounds.

The cafeteria was down to avocado sandwiches by the time we got there, so I ended up getting a salad instead. We found a vacant bench just off our building, in a deserted area very few people passed through. It was nice to have our own isolated corner in the middle of the bustling campus. I had a feeling we were going to visit that spot often.

At one point I raised my head from my salad and caught him looking at it. His expression was priceless; his forehead was wrinkled with aversion and disgust. I laughed softly. "What?"

"How can you eat it is beyond me," he muttered, half to me, half to himself.

I grinned and shoved the plastic box in his face. "Want to try it?"

He looked appalled. "I placed my limits in cooking for you, thank you very much."

"Well hopefully, I'll be able to return the favor someday," I joked, but he didn't laugh. This was when I suddenly noticed the dark shade in his eyes, darker than it had been in the past few weeks. The purple bruise-like shadows beneath his eyes were back. And then my smile died out when the meaning of it dawned on me. "You'll have to go hunting soon."

I didn't realize I said it aloud until he nodded somberly. "Yes. I meant to discuss it with you this evening." He looked as upset as I was about the possibility of separation.

"When?"

"Next weekend. I can probably hold it for another week. I only have one class on Friday morning, so if I leave right afterwards…" his voice trailed off; he caught sight of my wistful expression, I guessed. He took my hand and looked at me seriously. "I wish I didn't have to go, but I'll be back as soon as I can. You'll have so much homework to do, you won't even notice I'm not there."

"Not likely," I smiled bitterly. A pang of abandonment hit me, like the one in the island, when I woke up one morning to find him gone. We hardly spent time with one another throughout the week, and I was hoping we could devote our weekends for catching up. We still had this weekend, I reminded myself, but if he had to leave every now and again, and he _would_…

I shook my head, mentally scolding myself as I realized the envious, possessive wife was resurfacing. I was being unnecessarily childish about all this. He was as reluctant to leave as I was. His jaw was clenched tightly as if the thought of leaving had distressed him. I knew it was out of his control; he could hold his thirst to an extent. And it would be easier for him to be around people, around _me_, after he hunted, so I just had to suck it up and try to act more mature about it.

Determined to follow my plan, I swallowed the rest of my resentment. We fell into silence afterwards, and I went back to my salad, but by now I'd lost my appetite. Despite my courageous façade, I knew I would be upset for the rest of the day now with the thought of him gone, but I tried not to let him see it, so instead I started asking him about his courses, hoping to distract not just myself, but him as well.

And then, all of a sudden, someone called my name. I looked up, shocked that someone would actually know me here, and saw Ethan hurrying towards us.


	13. Chapter 13 Edward

**A/N: along with the release of the first official poster of _New Moon_, the following chapter seems... strangely appropriate. happy reading, y'all, you know how I feel about reviews :)**

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**Chapter 13**

Before I knew it, our second week had started. Bella was doing well so far, I was relieved to notice. She had two new friends she couldn't stop talking about. It was strange to see her so animated. It was a side of her I had never known before. I was used to quiet, contemplative Bella, the one who preferred to be alone rather than in a bustling crowd, the old soul entrapped within an adolescent's body. It was easy to forget she was merely 19 most of the time. The change was gradual, endearing. It was as if for a moment, she just let everything go, as if she remembered how to be the teenager that she was.

As for me, I mostly kept to myself. The fewer friends the likes of me had in a public place, the better. Of course, I had access for all the speculations around me, but I couldn't care less. At some point of my existence I just learned to shut them off. I always turned down human girls as they tried to lure me with their words and smiles, learning new strategies to make my wedding band visible. Some of them were not intimidated by it, and I could still hear their lustful thoughts. I was shocked to discover that nothing was sacred these days, not even marriage vows.

It was getting difficult these days, when the thirst was stronger, and feeding became a necessity. When a human was sitting too close to me, shaking their hair in my direction or simply standing in the direction of the wind, my throat burnt. I had to hold my breath for longer periods of time, which became inconvenient. I knew what it meant, although I resented the outcome. I could probably hold it for another week or so. Nonetheless, timing couldn't have been more ill-fated.

I wasn't thrilled about leaving Bella alone here, but I kept reminding myself it was safer for her if I hunted. Being around her was difficult as it was, so let alone when the thirst was getting uncontrollable. Besides, she wouldn't be entirely alone. Her two friends shared a room in the dorms, a small distance from our house. And I would be back before she knew it, before I could even miss her. I smiled to myself as I realized I was already preparing my strategy in reasoning it all to her. I'd talk to her tonight, I decided. I was sure I'd be able to persuade her, one way or another.

xoxox

We met for lunch. I tried not to stare at her choice of food – a variety of green vegetables the humans called lettuce – and focus on her eyes instead. My reaction made her laugh; she seriously couldn't understand my revolt. She didn't realize how unappetizing the thing looked to me. I meant to keep the conversation light, away from the thing that really bothered me, until she had made one of her ridiculously casual jokes about our food, and saw through my scheme. I could tell my plan had made her upset, but she never faltered. She accepted it bravely, more bravely than I expected her to.

We drifted into casual conversation afterwards, and I meant to ask her more about Alexia and Jamie, whom I had briefly met not an hour ago, when a third voice disrupted our quiet exchange.

"Bella!"

My head snapped up at the sound. She was slower in responding, but once she caught sight of him, she seemed to recognize the plain-looking boy who gained closer to us. His confident appearance burst the moment he noticed she wasn't alone. He halted a few steps away from us, and hesitated. His thoughts whirled as disappointment hit home.

_Oh. Of course she would be dating someone. I should have seen it coming. Nothing else seems to be going right so far in this term, I guess this one just adds on to the list. Maybe if I hadn't waited until now, maybe if I asked her out when I had the – get a grip, man, she's staring at you!_ "Umm, hi!" _Lame, lame, lame…_

My eyes moved from the boy to Bella. She looked uncomfortable… because I was there? "Hey, Ethan."

"How's your week going?"

"Good, how's yours? Any luck with not messing things up?" There was laughter in her voice. I inched closer to her. She didn't seem to notice; neither did he, being too focused on trying not to make a fool of himself in front of her.

"I think I'm getting there." _Or not quite…_

I narrowed my eyes at him, but he didn't even see me now. His eyes were all for her, so were his thoughts. He reminded me of Mike Newton. He had that same lovesick, eager expression, the one that made me remain on my guard. I remembered that first pang of jealousy I experienced in Newton's case, and how strange it felt. I was beyond that now. It was different; we were married. There was no reason to be jealous. My instinctive dislike of him derived from something deeper than envy, although I couldn't quite tell what it was.

Then his eyes were back on me again. _I wonder who _he_ is, I don't think I've seen him around, I would remember…_

Bella's eyes followed his, and as if she realized she hadn't introduced us yet, she shook her head, silently scorning herself it seemed. "Ethan Thomas, this is Edward Cullen."

_Wasn't _her_ name Cullen? He can't be her brother. He doesn't _look_ like her brother. _

"I'm her husband," I said, smiling brightly, putting an end to his frenzied speculations. I knew I was pushing it, but suddenly I couldn't help it. I pulled her closer against me, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She shot me an incredulous sideways look. Her cheeks flared. I held my breath.

"Oh." The poor guy looked wrecked. _Husband? Is he _serious_? She doesn't look older than 17! _"N – nice to meet you."

"And you," I nodded politely.

"Did you want something, Ethan?" asked Bella, still glancing suspiciously at me. I noticed that she didn't try to cower back or pull away from my grip. I grinned at her, and awaited his reply as curiously as she did.

"I, uhh, I have your Intro to Drama syllabus. I think you dropped it when we…" his voice trailed off, but I could already see the entire scene in his head. So she bumped into him in the hallway. How very Bella. He found out they shared a major. She smiled at him. And the poor boy was completely taken by her clumsiness.

"Oh, I've been looking all over for that!" she exclaimed, taking the papers from his outstretched hand. "Thanks so much!"

"I would have given it to you earlier but I only found it this morning when I was…" _Stop rambling, she doesn't care!_ "Anyway, I don't want to interrupt, I'll be going. I'll see you in class tomorrow."

"Thanks again. Have a good day," she greeted him.

His smile got an inch wider, but she didn't notice. Then his eyes fell on me again. I was well-aware of the fact I still hadn't left her side; so was he. _Ugh, _husband_. I can't _believe_ this_. "It was nice meeting you, Edward," he mumbled.

"Likewise," I said, flashing a radiant smile at him.

We watched him walk off in silence. I listened to his bitter thoughts until he was out of my hearing range. I could feel Bella's gaze on me. I turned to meet her stare; her face was half amazed, half horrified.

"What?" I asked, slowly letting go of her shoulder.

"What the hell was that?"

I kept my expression innocent. "What was what?"

"You, acting like you own me or something!"

"In certain cultures people will say that I do."

She rolled her eyes. "Please be serious?"

"I thought it would help shaking the boy out of his infatuation."

For a moment, she didn't seem to make the connection, but when she did, her eyes went wide, then dubious. "Oh, _please_!"

I laughed. "I'm not surprised you haven't noticed. You're exceptionally unobservant as far as matters of the heart go. "

"Edward, I only met the guy once before!"

"Once seems to be enough," I said dryly. "Need I remind you my old friend Mike Newton? Or Jacob Black?" The change in her expression was so instant it caught me off-guard. And then I realized my mistake. I tried to take her hand, but she flinched away. She could hardly look at me. I guessed I deserved that. "I'm sorry, Love," I said quietly, inwardly scorning myself. That was foolish, foolish and unnecessary. I should have known better than opening that wound.

It took her a moment to compose herself, but when she turned to look at me, her face was blank, a perfect mask. Once again, I became frustrated by the inability to read her mind. "It's fine," she assured me, but I wasn't sure if she was trying to convince me, or herself.

"That was uncalled for, I apologize."

"I said it was fine, Edward," she snapped, and hastily got up. "Come on, we're going to be late."

There was nothing else for me to do, but follow.

xoxox

That evening, I was still beating myself up over my slip. Bella was quiet; she hardly said two words since she had gotten back. I stole a glance at her from above my textbook every now and again. She was silently reading on the sofa across from me, stopping every few moments to scribble something on her notepad.

"Do you still need help with Spenser?"

She raised her head to acknowledge my quiet question. She looked troubled, weary. "No, thanks. I think I got it," she said, bringing her attention back to her book as soon as she had uttered the words.

"Please tell me what you're really thinking," I begged.

She hesitated, but then lowered her book to her lap. She looked at me, into me, and her eyes were hard. "I'm thinking… that I wish you've never said what you did this afternoon."

I nodded somberly. "I wish I haven't said it, too."

"It's not you I'm mad at," she said then, and her statement caught me off-guard. She sighed, as if she noticed the silent question in my eyes. "I'm mad at myself… because you'd expect me to get over this by now," she admitted, looking sheepish by her confession.

Did she really not realize it by now? Surely she knew Jacob Black was in love with her, but didn't she know herself well enough to realize she was in love with him as well? Or perhaps she did know, in some hidden corner of her heart, but had never faced herself with the truth. I knew, of course. It was impossible to miss. And I could blame no one but myself. I was the one who left, practically steering them into each others' arms. I brought them together, and now I was forced to face the consequences.

"You care for him a lot," I said, but it felt as if I was walking on pins, as if every moment the truth would dawn on her and she would fall apart.

She shook her head. "I've made my choice," she said quietly, and I wasn't sure if she was trying to convince me, or herself. She lingered a moment longer, and then slowly got up, putting her books aside. "I think I'll go to bed now."

I was by her side in a second, and brought my hand to touch her cheek before she had a chance to resist it. "Sleep well," I said, pressing my lips to her forehead. I stopped myself from following her upstairs. If she wanted me to join her, she would ask. I didn't want to push things further by forcing my company on her. I'd done enough damage for one day.

xoxox

About an hour or so later, I moved upstairs to the study. It was easier for me to hear her from up there, just three doors away. I turned the computer on. I had an essay due in two weeks, and since I was going to be away, I hoped to get it all done tonight. I was looking forward to my hunting trip even less than before now, with the way things had turned earlier today.

I decided to put some music on. I chose Debussy out of habit; I liked having it in the background while I was researching. I made sure the volume was low so it wouldn't disturb Bella. It was still loud enough for my ears. I closed my eyes, hoping it would wipe Jacob Black's memory off my mind. Instead, I was trying to focus on my upcoming essay.

I was always frustrated by first essays in college, where you were not supposed to display high level of academic writing. With the time advantage I had over the rest of the class, I had always struggled to keep my level appropriate with that of a student in his first year. That was always the most challenging part of writing, even more than the research itself. I toyed with the idea of emailing my outline to Emmett. If anyone knew how to ruin perfectly written essays – he'd refer to it as simplification, of course – he was the one.

The scream came out of nowhere, piercing the silence of the night.


	14. Chapter 14 Bella

**A/N: you guys are truly, honestly amazing. thanks so much for your comments and kind words - I appreciate each and every one of them so keep them coming. here's another one.. I'll be waiting to hear what you think :)**

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Chapter 14

It'd been hours, but the pain his words inflicted still throbbed. It no longer had that paralyzing affect like in the moment they had hit, like an unexpected punch to my stomach. The pain just lingered now, poignant and distracting. I didn't need all this. I had an essay due on Monday, my first essay in college, and that in itself was something to stress about because I wanted to make a good impression. The memory of our conversation hovered above me like a dark shadow. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't focus. And whenever I closed my eyes, Jacob was there, his dark eyes piercing and blaming. It was impossible to avoid his stare.

I wondered why I felt that way. Like Jacob had said, and like I told Edward, I had made my choice. I loved Jake, but it was Edward I couldn't live without. I shuddered at the experience, at the memory of the pain of the hole in my chest, those months of numbness and emptiness and nothingness, until Jacob had brought back the sun. I remembered my initial motivation to hang out with Jacob – recklessness. I wanted to break my promise. Well, it worked in more than one way. It went beyond the motorbikes and the life-risk they involved. I was reckless simply by opening my heart to him, knowing full-well I could never return his love the way he wished me to. Only somewhere along the way –

I shook the thought away as soon as it invaded my mind. No. I couldn't love them both at the same time. It didn't seem fair, not for them because I was hurting them, not for me because I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get both of them. Love only came to you once in a lifetime. And I definitely couldn't hurt Jacob more than I had already done. I truly and honestly thought I'd healed, until Edward's words, playful and innocent, brought it all back.

I knew I was hurting Edward too. It was more than just giving him the cold shoulder throughout the day. I'd never planned this. I was sure he was never coming back. Of course, it was hardly an excuse, but I would never have let Jacob in unless I was sure Edward was gone for good, that he truly didn't want me. And then he _was_ back… but by then it was too late. I was in too deep.

But I'd made my choice, I reminded myself as I crawled into bed that night. I had married Edward, and I vowed to leave Jacob behind. I would just have to shut him out again, stuff him in a drawer, seal it tight, and lock that part of my heart. I couldn't risk more people getting hurt.

I opened my eyes into darkness. I squinted, but it didn't cease. It was cold there, wherever I was, and I instinctively knew I was dreaming. It wasn't the cold I was used to, that of Edward's embrace. I vaguely remembered him being away, still where I'd left him, working on his homework. I thought I heard music playing… Debussy? The sound was faint and at a distance, and I was trying to reach it. The corridors were a familiar maze of marble and stone, but I wasn't sure where I had seen it before; I only knew that I had. My steps echoed as I hastened my pace. It was still cold, and getting colder; a violent shiver overtook me. My progress felt futile; every turn seemed the same.

And then, out of the thick darkness, three pairs of blood-red eyes were staring at me with kind familiarity.

I didn't even realize I screamed until a hand was gently shaking me. I jolted awake with a start. My forehead was damp with sweat; I could feel it sticking to my hair. Breathing came with difficulty. I was gasping for air; I felt as if I was suffocating. I blinked and looked around me. The room was dark but familiar. I was in the safety of our home again, in our bed. The covers were still warm. The only eyes that watched me now were dark, familiar, and clouded with concern. I fell into his arms, trembling with relief. The events of this afternoon were forgotten. I just wanted him to hold me.

"Shh… It's alright, I'm here," he murmured into my hair, gently rocking me. It took me a moment to realize that it was crying that shook me. I rested my head against his chest, letting the tears soak through his shirt. He tightened his arms around me, whispering words of comfort softly in my ear. My crying slowly subsided, but the images wouldn't leave me alone.

"Don't leave me," I pleaded, clinging to him desperately now. They'd be back the moment he was gone, I just knew.

His hold on me was reassuring now. "I'm not going anywhere," he said, his fingers lacing in my hair. "Try to go back to sleep."

"_No_!" I whimpered. Anything but that.

"Alright, Love," he said, his voice still low. He didn't question me, and I knew he could sense my distress. He just kept stroking my back until I drifted. Luckily, it was into a different darkness.

xoxox

When I next opened my eyes, I was sprawled across his chest. Loyal to his word, he still held me. I slowly pulled myself away from him. He looked down at me anxiously.

"What time is it?" I was surprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.

"It's half passed six," he replied, brushing my hair back. He hesitated, then gently asked, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"There's not much to tell. I didn't even see them that well."

I realized what I'd said only when his expression changed into confusion, then understanding. "Them?"

"The Volturi," I admitted.

He took me in his arms again, but I could feel there was a difference in the way he held me. He was more alert now; his body was stiffer. "They're not coming back, Bella. I won't let them hurt you."

"I don't think they planned on asking you," I said softly, looking up at him. I couldn't shake off that piercing red of their eyes, not even by focusing on the perfection of his face.

"I don't want you to bother yourself with thoughts about them. By the time they remember our existence, you'll be one of us." He had never spoken of my change with such confidence and resolve before, and I wondered if he only mentioned it now to comfort me, or if he truly meant it. But I was too shaken to linger on it now. "Are you well enough to get to class?" he asked, kissing the top of my head.

I nodded. I had two tutorials on Friday, and I couldn't afford missing them. I stayed in the safety of his embrace until my mind cleared and the images faded. Then, slowly but with more confidence, I climbed out of bed and got ready for the day.

xoxox

It was only to be expected that the nightmare was not a single incident. I woke up screaming from the same pairs of eyes four more times during the following week. The dreams never got clearer, but even in the darkness I could now identify the sewers of Volterra. Edward was now anxious about leaving for his hunting trip, but I insisted he should go as planned. I'd be fine on my own. I thought I'd ask Alexia and Jamie over. It was almost time for mid-terms, and I thought I could use the time to start preparing for those. Whereas I did better than I expected in some courses, I predicted my miserable failure in others. I wasn't falling behind completely, but I wasn't brilliant in them either, and the high standards of my lecturers didn't help my already crumpling self-confidence. I really did need a miracle to pass some of those exams.

I listened only halfheartedly to the lecture on Friday morning. I was groggy from yet another sleepless night, and Edward's upcoming departure didn't add on to my already grim mood. I felt bad to daydream in Stephen's class. He was by far my favorite lecturer. He was in his late-twenties, a teachers' assistant, and our teacher for the Introduction to British Culture tutorial. I resented his lessons at first. Anyone who made me attend an 8AM on a Friday deserved such attitude. I was glad when Stephen – he insisted we'd use his first name – had proven me wrong. His lectures were interesting, and he was always enthusiastic about everything, even the most boring things on our reading list. He clearly enjoyed his job. I was looking forward to his lessons now.

At last, the class ended, and I jumped out of my seat. Edward's class would end in half an hour, and I wanted to pass through the library before I met him. I was anxious to be back with him already. In my hurry to leave, I didn't even notice Stephen was giving back the essays we had handed in on Monday. His voice stopped me just as I reached for the doorknob.

"Miss Cullen," he said. The name rang strangely in my ears. I turned without correcting him. He handed me my essay with a smile. "Very good, for your first academic piece."

Was he talking to me? I didn't know what I was doing half the time I was writing that essay. Wow. "Thanks," I said, blushing, as I took my paper from him.

"I did notice you have some difficulties with Chaucer."

Oh. That sounded more like me. "I'm not a fan of the period. Middle English and all that." Which was one reason I dreaded the upcoming midterm.

"If you need any help, let me know. I'm writing my dissertation about Chaucer."

Glancing around, I suddenly noticed everyone else was gone. It must be quite late. "Thanks, but I already have someone to work with on this," I said, holding my binder against my chest. I was sure Edward had _The Canterbury Tales_ memorized back and forth. I bet Carlisle had a first edition of it stuck someplace in his huge library.

This was when Stephen noticed my ring. "You're married, Bella?" he asked, surprised, skipping formalities entirely now.

I nodded. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks again. "Since August."

"He's a very lucky guy," he smiled, collecting his books. "I'm keeping you from your next class. Great job with that essay, I was truly impressed."

I mumbled a quick 'thanks' and rushed out, anxious to be on my way.

xoxox

The filing system in the library took time to get used to, but by now, the end of my third week in college, I was a pro. The library was deserted on Fridays, and that made the whole thing even easier. I smiled to myself as I walked through the aisles. College really wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I was enjoying myself, most of the time. I was actually toying with the idea of doing another year. Edward would be thrilled, without a doubt. And I'd have some more time with Alexia and Jamie. Most of the interesting courses were open for 2nd year students and up anyway; all we got were introductory courses. And if we stayed I could do a Jane Austen course, or Shakespeare. Maybe they had a course about Victorian literature. Thinking about it was quite tempting, actually.

I shook my head, sending the thought away for the time being. I didn't need the distraction now. There was a reason I stopped at the library today. I meant to take out some books about Chaucer. I was determined to do whatever it took to pass that exam. I looked at my note, where I had scribbled the location of the books the night before, and scanned the shelves. Then, when I found what I needed, I sighed, irritated. _Of course_ it would be on the top shelf. I had to stand on tiptoes to reach for it.

A pair of strong, cold arms was wrapped around my waist then, bringing me back to the ground in an instant. I held back a yelp; somehow, I remembered where I was. Naturally, I dropped the book; it fell silently to the floor. I giggled and leaned back into his embrace. His scent overpowered me. I closed my eyes, breathing him in. "How did you know I was here?" I whispered as he nuzzled my neck.

"Guess," he murmured in reply, inhaling. His soft, cool breath left goosebumps all over my skin.

I turned in his arms. He was smiling. His eyes were dark, liquid fire. I knew I should have been intimidated, but I felt surprisingly safe within the circle of his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Are you sure you can handle it?" I teased, inching closer. I knew it was wrong to push him when he was thirsty, but he didn't seem affected.

"Quite," he replied, stealing a glance around. "No witnesses," he added, and I was shocked he said it. It wasn't like him, to make vampire jokes. Usually _I_ was the one teasing _him_. As if he knew what was on my mind, he smiled briefly, before he brought his lips to mine. His kiss, although restrained and careful, left me breathless. My body melted against his. It was easy to forget where we were.

"Mmm, maybe you should go hunting more often," I murmured against his lips when he slowly pulled away.

"Try to stay away from trouble while I'm gone, will you?"

"I'll do my best," I managed, although it was difficult to make an intelligent reply with the way his lips assaulted the skin of my neck. A part of me wanted to show him my essay, the one Stephen had complimented, but another part – the one who wanted him to keep kissing me – insisted it really wasn't the time. "Come back soon, okay?"

I could feel him smile against my neck. "I'll do my best," he replied, and my own words echoed back at me. He brushed his lips against mine again, but then all of a sudden, his whole body stiffened. He snarled and his head whipped up. Confused and disoriented, I looked over his shoulder, my eyes following his.

I thought I saw Ethan retreat down the aisle, further away from us, but I wasn't sure.


	15. Chapter 15 Edward

**A/N: the hype over those New Moon set pics justifies an update, me thinks, i just hope you all survived the hotness! happy reading xx**

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**Chapter 15**

I still had my doubts about leaving her behind when I drove out of Hanover. I was extremely shaken by her nightmare, now that it wasn't a single incident. Would she be alright with me gone? What if she had the same dream again while she was alone? She seemed alright before I left, more reassured somehow. And she promised she'd have her friends around, but I was still restless. Perhaps I should call Alice and tell her to come over? She would gladly comply, I was certain, but it felt useless. It was only a couple of days.

More than anything, the meaning of the dreams disturbed me. She had dreamt of the Volturi before, on Isle Esme, and then one morning the nightmares had just vanished. What could enhance it again now? She was fairly happy here. I was so glad she was settling in. She didn't even count the days until Christmas break like I thought she would. Most importantly, never once had she mentioned her transformation again. Surely that was a good sign, wasn't it? The reappearance of the dreams made no sense at all.

I shook my head as I drove towards the highway. I wouldn't think about it. All I had to do was be back with her as soon as I can. I chose the closest national park, in Rhode Island, about 3 hours away, telling myself I would go further the next time. If I got there at dusk, it would leave me about a day or so to hunt. It was less than I was used to – Emmett and I liked to stretch our trips for two, sometimes three days – but I was determined to make an exception this time, and try to be faster and more efficient rather than enjoy the hunt. I'd done it before, on the island, so there was no reason why I wouldn't do so now as well. I couldn't afford making this trip longer than necessary, under the current circumstances.

xoxox

I dreaded going into the house when I came back on Sunday night. What if she was in the middle of her nightmare? This was how I ended up spending the weekend – panicking and speculating. For the first time in quite a while I didn't enjoy my hunt; it was just a duty, a task to perform. I fed as much as I could – anything to delay the next trip – and headed back to New Hampshire.

The first thing I noticed when I locked the door was the silence. It was way after midnight and I figured she was sleeping. Her breathing wasn't strained, or troubled, and it relieved some of the stress. I all but flew up the stairs, suddenly anxious to just be with her again. The last drop on insecurity melted away when I entered the bedroom. She was fast asleep, snuggled comfortably into the covers. There was a book open on the floor, as if she dropped it when she had fallen asleep. I smiled. All this concern, for nothing. She looked fine.

I kicked my boots off, and was by her side in a second. I toyed with the idea of kissing her awake, but that seemed hardly fair. She slept so peacefully; she looked exhausted. I leaned against the bed-board and slowly pulled her into my arms. For a moment, I feared this would wake her. I tucked the covers more tightly around her, so that my skin wouldn't bother her. She smiled in her sleep now and nestled into my embrace. I watched her in silence until dawn broke.

xoxox

It was about seven in the morning when she began to stir, and her breathing changed. She woke up slowly. It was as if she tried to steal a moment longer of sleep. But then, when she seemed to realize I was there, she gasped and turned around, her eyes wide open, her hair in tangles.

I laughed softly. "Well, good morning."

"How long have you been here?"

"A few hours."

"Why didn't you wake me?" she demanded, but her voice was soft.

"Because it was the middle of the night," I reasoned. She turned all the way now, the sweetest smile curling on her lips. She was still warm from sleep. I tucked her hair behind her ear. The fire in my throat ceased considerably. Yes, it was a good idea to go hunting after all. "How was your weekend?"

She pouted, displeased. "Don't I get to kiss you first?"

I smiled. "You may, if you want."

She grinned, and placed a kiss on my nose. Then she quickly pulled away, looking awfully pleased with herself.

I frowned. "I do believe this is what they mean by cheating, Mrs. Cullen," I said calmly, before I pulled her closer to me again. She didn't have a chance to respond before my lips came crashing against hers. Caught by surprise, she gasped into the kiss; I only held her tighter. I had no intention of letting go of her now; it had been a _long_ weekend.

"Need… to… breathe…" she panted, pulling away from me with difficulty.

"Sorry," I said unabashed, pressing my lips against her collarbone. She sucked in a huge breath. Her fingers went to my hair. Her pulse was running wild. I smiled. "So how _was_ your weekend?"

"You seriously have to stop doing that if you want me to speak," she breathed, and I pulled away from her reluctantly. I leaned against the bed-board, waiting. It took her another moment to have her breathing under control. "The girls took me to a party," she said, frowning.

My body went rigid. I knew all about that kind of parties. I spent too many years trying to resist Emmett when he attempted to tow me into them. I struggled to keep my expression composed. "Did you have fun?"

"Hell, no. It was horrible. I made them promise they would never drag me to that sort of thing again."

I smiled now. I should have known Bella would resent an entertainment of that sort. "Why was it horrible?" I asked, taking her hand.

"Well, to begin with, everyone was drunk. The music was awful. I was out of there the moment they started throwing people into the pool," she said, sulking.

"Did you get drunk, Bella?" I asked, now amused. It wasn't that I didn't approve. She was by no means underage, and she could do whatever she pleased. It was just that picturing it was inconceivable. It was my furious kitten analogy all over again.

"Apparently beer makes me sleepy," she admitted sheepishly. "Alexia said I didn't even know how to get drunk properly. I had one beer, hardly even that, and I slept for hours when I got back. That was kind of helpful, actually. I didn't have nightmares all weekend."

"Hmm. Perhaps we should keep a few beers in stock," I joked, relieved to discover her dreams disappeared, at least for the time being.

"And there was another thing," she whispered, now looking away from me.

"What?" When she didn't reply, I gave her hand a little squeeze. "Bella?"

She locked her gaze with mine, and her eyes were serious, pleading. "You are not going to say anything stupid," she warned.

Already I feared her next words. What trouble had she gotten herself into now?

"Ethan tried to kiss me."

My only reply was a growl.

The sound intimidated her; she flinched slightly, but her eyes didn't leave mine. "He was drunk – I don't even think he knew what he was doing."

"He knew _exactly_ what he was doing," I snapped, as the boy's thoughts resurfaced in my mind. I especially remembered his mental grumbling when he'd seen us at the library on the day I'd left. They were not something to be repeated in her ears.

"You're not going to do anything, are you?" Her question, soft yet fretful, shook my off my reverie.

"Well, I'd love to go and break his jaw," I said through gritted teeth. I tried to control my rage. Surely this kind of reaction wasn't necessary. I didn't want anything to shadow our reunion. There was no need to be jealous, I reminded myself. Besides, if he didn't know what he was doing at the time, I hoped he was sober enough to realize it now, and regret it. "But I know you wouldn't want me to. So, tell me, what else did you do this weekend?"

She stared at me for a moment, as if amazed I let the subject drop. "Umm, not much. Studying, shopping, cleaning. I talked to my mom." Then her expression melted into a calmer one. "How was _your_ weekend?"

"Lonely," I confessed, burying my lips in her hair.

"Mine too," she sighed, resting her head against my chest. Her cheek was warm, even through my shirt; I wrapped my arms tighter around her. "We could always ditch," she said a moment or so later, and her tone carried this hopeful note.

"Nice try, Love," I said, laughing, and pulled her out of bed. "But I'll race you to the shower if you want."

xoxox

I walked her to her first class. I knew that scum Ethan was with her in it, and I wanted to make sure she got there safely. It was silly of me, I knew, but I couldn't help it. It wasn't even a question of over-protectiveness. Boys like him unnerved me. And I had learned my lesson, first with Mike, and all the more with Jacob. She didn't protest or pulled away when I tightened my grip around her waist as we crossed the hall together. She leaned against me as I matched my walking pace to hers. It was so good being back with her; for a moment I almost regretted I hadn't listened to her. We should have ditched this morning.

_Oh, he-llo! I don't remember ever seeing _him_ around!_

… _with Bella? But she's so… _plain_._

_Good, Bella's here. I hope she's recovered from the party by now. I can't wait to tell her what Mark said – Oh, Edward's back, I see._

"Your friend is here," I whispered in Bella's ear a second before Jamie caught up with her. She smiled kindly at me. There was not a trace of the crude thoughts of the other girls around us in her mind. She reminded me of Angela. She asked me how my father was doing – I realized that was the cover story for my absence during the weekend. I replied as honestly as I could, keeping my expression composed.

_What is _he_ doing here? And why is he all over Bella Cullen, I thought she was married. Unless… _

My head snapped up at the familiar voice. My eyes narrowed slightly. It was that shallow redhead from my class. I groaned; Bella was the only one who heard it, and I nodded towards the girl across the hall, keeping the motion subtle. "Do you know her?"

"Sure. Lara. She's in my class. I thought I told you about her. Why do you ask?"

"She's in one of my classes. And apparently she's surprised to see you with me," I said, pressing her closer against me as I acknowledged the one called Lara with a polite nod. She sulked, and walked passed us into the auditorium.

_Oh, she is _so_ going to spill it later._

"Sit as far away from her as you can," I advised Bella in a low voice. A small, secret smile passed between us.

"Go, you'll miss your class," she said, gently pushing me backwards.

"I'll see you at home later."

"I love you," she mouthed, blushing even though she didn't actually say the words. I smiled and, after kissing the top of her head again, I left. As I crossed the hall I suddenly caught sight of Ethan, hurrying towards the auditorium. My eyes narrowed; it wasn't too late to execute my initial plan. But then I thought how unnecessary it was. I had her, and he didn't. That was all I could ask.

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**Here's a tiny teaser for next time's chapter…**

… _There was a roaring laughter on the other end. Then before I knew it, Alice was gone. "Going out tonight, Bella?" Emmett asked, his voice filled with laughter still. "Try not to get too drunk, you fall enough times when you're sober."_

The one human experience Bella would like to skip… stay tuned for the next chapter!


	16. Chapter 16 Bella

**A/N: long weekend means fast update... I can now tell you the story has 25 chapters (and an epilogue) so I'll post a teaser for the next chapter at the end of each chapter from now until the end. enjoy this one, and I hope your weekend looks better than Bella's!**

**special thankyou to Mizra who's helped me a lot with this chapter *hugs* **

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**Chapter 16**

It was the one human experience I had no problem skipping.

A party. _Ugh_. I couldn't _believe_ the girls actually talked me into this. When did I even give in? I really had to learn to be more assertive, I grumbled to myself as I got dressed. Or tried to. I was standing in the middle of the wardrobe with a towel wrapped around me, shivering despite the fact the windows were closed. This weekend was just getting worse and worse. First Edward was gone and now _this_ – did I even _have_ anything party-worthy? I was sure Alice had stocked the closets with enough items for me to choose from, but did I really want to go with anything that Alice had chosen? As far as I knew, everything in there was metallic blue, or crazy combinations in purple and orange. Or worse.

I heard the phone ring, and I raced to the bedroom to get it, thinking it would be Jamie. _Please_ let her call and cancel. I suddenly hoped everyone in their dorms got food poisoning or something.

But it wasn't Jamie. "Hi, Bella!"

I groaned inwardly. I should have seen this one coming. "Hey, Alice, what's up," I asked, feigning enthusiasm, as I made my way to the other room again.

"I'm sure you've heard it before, but you're a rotten actress, Bella," she said, giggling. The sound was trilling and all-silver, even on a long-distant call. Then she quickly recovered herself, and her tone became thoughtful, businesslike. "I think you should go for a dress. There's a really pretty one on the right, it's dark plum – "

"I don't want to wear a dress," I cut her off, my voice already rising an octave, almost whiney.

"Well, _my_ sister-in-law will not wear worn-out jeans for her first party in college," she said stubbornly.

"Why do you think people will even notice?" I cradled the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I hunted for the dress she was referring to. Or an excuse for a dress. I pulled it out and stared at it for full three minutes, horrified.

"Still there, Bella?"

It took me a moment to even form a coherent thought on the thing. "Alice, what were you even _thinking_ – "

"Isn't it _gorgeous_? Got it straight from Paris. It's not even out in shops here yet, so appreciate what you're holding."

"There's not a chance in the world I'm – how could you even imagine I would – has Edward seen this?"

"What Edward doesn't know can't hurt him," she said dismissively, then threw herself into practical mode again. "Okay, so you don't like the plum one. Let me think. Hmm. How about a skirt? There should be one with zebra print in there, try the third shelf on the – "

"No dresses, no skirts, Alice," I cut her off again, more decisively this time. I had to practice my assertiveness on _someone_.

She sighed, as if I was a hopeless case. "Alright. Some tight-fitting jeans, then. None of those you wear for school. There's a nice black one in there, look it up. And a blue top. And try not to spill beer on that one because it's my favorite."

There was a roaring laughter on the other end. Then before I knew it, Alice was gone. "Going out tonight, Bella?" Emmett asked, his voice filled with laughter still. His tone implied he found the possibility of me going out hilarious. "Try not to get too drunk, you fall enough times when you're sober."

"Gee, thanks so much, Emmett," I said dryly.

"Have fun!"

"I doubt it," I mumbled, and quickly hung up before Alice could think of more ways of torturing me from a distance.

I found the jeans easily enough, and hastily slipped them on. They hung low on my waist, lower than I was used to, but I didn't have time to change my mind. Alexia would be here soon. I dreaded finding the top, but that one actually didn't look half bad. Its cleavage was deeper than I'd normally go for, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. It was sky blue, and looked so fragile that for a moment I thought I'd better not risk wearing it. Suddenly Alice's warning made sense. I _would_ ruin a piece of beauty like that.

I didn't fuss over makeup. I kept it mild; I didn't want to end up overdressed. My hair felt flat and shapeless, so I curled it a little, trying to give it a bit of volume, hoping it would comply. I found nice boots – Alice had great taste in shoes, I had to give her _that_ – and slipped into them just when the doorbell rang. I grabbed my purse and sprinted downstairs, nearly knocking myself over when I missed the last stair. You would make the best out of this, I told myself over and over again, no matter how fiercely I resented it. Always remember it could be worse.

xoxox

But _nothing_ could be worse than this, I was sure.

I could hear the music blasting when we drove into the street. For a while it was only the monotonous beating of a drum, but the closer we got there, the more distinct the music became, forming into some unknown, obnoxious rap tune I didn't recognize. I could feel my face setting into a frown. I detested rap music. I held back the groan I could feel coming. I was determined to keep my promise and try to enjoy myself. I would not think how I could spend this evening, with ice-cream in front of the TV, or with a book in bed – the possibilities were endless. And it all sounded so much more tempting.

The music was impossibly louder – and impossibly worse – when we got there. The singer was screaming obscenities in his rage against the world. The bass hurt my ears. We had to cram our way through dozens of people just to get in. The smell of alcohol was heavy in the air already, mixed with cigarette smoke. A guy I didn't know handed both of us beers. He looked wasted already. To be fair, most of the people around did. It looked like a chick flick gone wrong – drunken frat boys chasing squealing girls in tiny skirts. I shot Alexia a look of distress; she grinned and sipped her beer. I sighed, realizing I was alone in this. Great.

We caught up with Jamie a while afterwards, and she seemed to share my feelings about the horribleness of the place, until she noticed Mark, the cute guy with whom we sometimes sat in Intro to Drama, and spent most of the time dancing with him. I watched them from where I was sitting, away from the crowds. It felt safer. There was a couple making out on the sofa across from mine. My nose wrinkled; they clearly didn't notice they had an audience. And then I realized they didn't have an audience, not really. No one minded them. In fact there were some other couples all across the room that were, erm, similarly occupied.

I tried to keep my gaze on Jamie and Mark. I knew Jamie was interested in him, and from watching them, it looked as if he was, as well. I made a mental note to mention it to her the next day. They ignored the hideous music and just swayed to the sounds of a silent, private tune. I assumed they were talking, but in the incredible noise that resonated around me, it was impossible to make out any sort of intelligible dialogue.

"Bella. Hi."

I turned, startled, nearly spilling beer all over Alice's top. I balanced the bottle just in time, realizing I hardly even touched it yet. Ethan was now slumped on the sofa next to me. "Hey, Ethan, what's up?"

"Good, good, great party, isn't it?"

"Hmm," I said, taking a sip of my beer just for something to do. My nose wrinkled involuntarily as I felt its taste for the first time. It was sour, and kind of gross, actually. What people found so attractive about it was beyond me. I shook my head, and laid the bottle aside. My eyelids were drooping already. I just wanted to curl in some corner and sleep.

"Where's your…" Ethan's voice trailed off as if Edward's name was a dirty word he felt uncomfortable uttering.

"Edward had to go away for the weekend, a family issue," I lied lightly.

"Oh. Too bad." Did he inch closer or was I imagining things? "You look nice tonight," he said, his eyes running appreciatively over the top Alice had chosen for me.

"Thanks," I mumbled, blushing, and looked away. I didn't realize he was still sitting there until he next spoke.

"Do you… want to dance, or… something?"

I shook my head ruefully. "I don't dance."

"Why not?"

"I just don't," I said, and his face fell ever so slightly. His eyes still lingered on me though. I felt uncomfortable beneath his gaze. Suddenly the room felt too stuffy. I murmured a quick apology and excused myself, disappearing before he'd get a chance to follow. I crossed the dance floor as I made my escape, pushing my way awkwardly forward, flinching against unsteady bottles of beer. The room was getting stuffier as more people arrived, and I could feel how it was closing in on me. I just wanted to head out.

Bumping into dozens of sweaty bodies on my way, I somehow made an escape through the front door. Someone was throwing up into the bushes across the lawn. I groaned inwardly, looking away. It was less noisy out, and incredibly chilly. I shivered in spite of my jacket. I wrapped my arms around myself and it helped, a little. I leaned against the brick wall, filling my lungs with well-deserved fresh air. I could still hear the beat from the music inside; it was almost as if my heart was pounding in the same rhythm now. I wondered where Edward was and what he was doing. I wondered if I could ever get used to being away from him. The sense of loneliness was overwhelming. He wasn't gone for 24 hours yet, and I missed him as if he had been gone for weeks. As if I was the Penelope to his Odysseus. I shook my head, laughing at myself. I hoped he would come back to me soon.

"Bella?"

I opened my eyes; I didn't even realize I had closed them. Alexia was standing in front of me, her expression half concerned, half amused. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just needed some fresh air."

"Is that why you fell asleep against the wall?" she tilted her head to one side, grinning. "How much did you drink?"

"I hardly touched anything," I said, yawning.

"Well, you, my friend, need to learn how to get drunk properly," she replied, and her grin widened just an inch. She looked a bit tipsy herself, but not entirely drunk. Yet. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay and watch.

"I think I'll pass," I laughed. "Jamie's still with Mark?"

"I think so, I haven't – "

At that point, a girl screamed. The sound came from the back yard, along with a very distinct sound of splashing water. Why would people be thrown into the pool when it was October and freezing cold was beyond me. I guessed they were too drunk to care. But _I _cared. With my luck, I'd find my way into that pool, head first. "Alexia, I think I'm going to head back home."

"Aww, but it's still so early!" she protested, although I was sure it was well passed 1, if not later.

"Yeah, but I'm shattered, and I want to call Edward and ask how his dad is," I improvised. The story I told them was the elaborated version of what I had told Ethan. Edward's dad was unwell, which was why he was gone for the weekend.

And Alexia, ever so understanding, didn't argue with me anymore. "Do you want me to give you a ride back?"

"No, it's okay. I'll walk." She looked torn. On the one hand, I saw she wanted to stay. On the other hand, she felt obliged to take me back. "Really, it's fine. I know my way, don't worry."

"Okay. Text me when you get home though."

"I will," I promised, relieved. I waited until she walked back in before I left. But then someone called my name, and Ethan was hurrying after me.

"Bella, wait, where are you going?"

"Home."

"What? Why?" He looked a bit sweaty, swaying and stumbling as he caught up with me. "Do you need help getting home?"

But with the way he staggered, it looked as if _he_ was the one needing held. "No, I'm fine," I said, and began to turn away from him.

"Hey, wait!" he said, grabbing my arm. He used little force, but the motion still caught me off-guard. I lost my balance and toppled forward, nearly crashing against him. Suddenly he was very close. His sour breath was like a whip to my face. He had that glassy look in his eyes so I knew he _was_ drunk. But before I had a chance to mumble goodnight and make a quick escape, he was leaning towards me, his intentions clear.

"I don't think so, Ethan," I said, recoiling, as I pushed him back.

"Why? He doesn't have to know," he murmured, trying to pull me closer again.

"Hey, are you crazy? Get _off_!" I shoved him a bit harder.

He staggered backwards, but caught himself just on time. He didn't look offended or mad, he didn't even look repentant. He just stood there with the most idiotic expression on his face as I turned away from him and started to leave again. "Good night, Bella!" he called after me. For one dreadful moment I was sure he was going to stalk me, but he didn't. I walked a little faster, just in case.

All the way home, I tried to wipe the memory of that nearly kiss off my mind. It was even worse than that time when Jacob _had_ kissed me, when I punched him and the jerk broke my hand. Well, _I_ broke _my_ hand, if I was being completely honest, but it was all his damn fault. And even then… the experience was less horrible than this one. I kind of wished I'd done more than just shoving him aside, but at the same time I pitied him, sort of. He would remember it the next day when he sobered up, and spend hours wondering if it really did happen.

I was never happier to get home, to kick the boots off my feet and drag myself into the shower. It was almost 3AM by the time I finally pulled the covers over my head. The silence rang in my ears, where a faint drumming of the bass still lingered. Ugh. I was glad tomorrow was Sunday. I needed a few hours of long, uninterrupted sleep. And afterwards I could call Alexia and make her promise never to drag me to those parties again.

Yeah, I thought drowsily, as sleep quickly overtook me; definitely an experience I could skip.

* * *

**next time...**

_For a few weeks now, I'd been toying with the idea of taking her on a date, a real human date, but I never got around to actually thinking about it. As far as timing went, now looked perfect. But how did a vampire take his human wife on a date?_


	17. Chapter 17 Edward

**A/N: once again, huge thankyou to Mizra who helped me a lot with this chapter. this one is a favorite of mine, I'll be more than happy to know what you guys think :)**

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Chapter 17

I didn't resent routine when it kicked in. For the first time in decades, I actually enjoyed it. Time moved so quickly here – we were halfway through the term already. It was even safe to say I was happy here. Being away from my family was difficult, but I had Bella, and she seemed to enjoy herself here. There was nothing else I could possibly ask.

I was a little anxious about her. It went beyond her nightmares this time; thankfully, those had become less frequent. She had her last midterm today, and even though she didn't say anything, I sensed that she was worried about this one more than her previous exams. I didn't push it; I knew she'd tell me if something was bothering her. Or I hoped she would.

Knowing that it'd been a few stressful days for her, now that her last exam was nearly over, I wanted to do something for her. For a few weeks now, I'd been toying with the idea of taking her on a date, a real human date, but I never got around to actually thinking about it. As far as timing went, now looked perfect. But how did a vampire take his human wife on a date?

I paced around the room for a while, glancing at the phone every now and again. Then, before I regretted it, I snatched it and dialed. I hoped Alice was away hunting or whatnot – I didn't need her advice right now. Knowing her, her advice would be hiring a helicopter and taking Bella to Vegas. I didn't want any fanfare. I wanted to keep it simple, romantic, just Bella and I.

Luckily, it wasn't Alice answering the phone. "Cullen residence."

"Esme, hi, it's me."

"_Edward_!" I held the phone away from my ear as she squealed my name. "Oh, Darling, it's so good to hear your voice! It's too bad Carlisle is working – How are you? How's school? Are you settled in the house? Is there anything you need us to send you?"

I smiled at her question attack. She sounded so much like the mother she had always been to me. "Everything is great."

"And Bella?"

"Bella is wonderful, actually," I said, extremely relieved to have as much to report to her. Then I sighed. Might as well get this over with. "Esme, I need your help."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no, on the contrary. I just… need some advice."

"Oh?"

I realized I was fidgeting, and scorned myself. This one was _nothing_ compared to my conversations with Carlisle before our honeymoon. "I want to take Bella out."

She laughed softly, understandingly. "On a human date?"

"Well, yes, I hoped so."

"You can take her dancing. That's what they used to do in my time."

"I doubt if she let me escape tricking her into dancing again, Esme," I said, shaking my head. I remembered how furious she had been when I took her to prom. As much as I liked the idea, I wasn't going to attempt it again. I knew better.

"A concert, maybe? An opera? A play?"

I leaned across the sofa, reaching for the basket at the corner of the living-room, where we had kept the newspapers from the previous weekend. "That might be nice, actually. I'll have to check which – "

"Oh, hold on, Emmett wants to talk to you."

I could feel my face set into a grimace. Oh, _no_. "No, wait, Esme, don't – "

"A human date, huh? You don't want that old-fashioned crap, little brother. Sorry Esme," he added. I could almost picture her sulking disapprovingly at his foul language.

I rolled my eyes. "Technically I'm older than you, Emmett."

"Only technically. Clearly I have more experience in this than you do, so listen. Is there a movie theatre in town?"

"Yes, there is. Why?"

"_Why_?" he echoed incredulously, as if I was missing something extremely obvious. "_Because_, dude, it has much more benefits than a stupid play."

"Really, like what?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Dude, the darkness is your friend. If the movie is boring, at least you can still… you know, _do_ stuff."

"Emmett, that's disgusting."

"Oh, don't get all virtuous and pure on me, you're _married_, it's perfectly legit."

There was a rustle of keys, and the door opened. "Edward?"

At the sound of her voice, I stood up. "I have to go," I told him hastily. "Thanks for the, umm, advice."

"My pleasure. As long as you're still getting some."

It wasn't until I'd hung up on my crude, sex-craved brother that I realized how much I truly missed my family. Of course, they were still a phone call away, but it was strange not to have them in the same house with me. This pang of homesickness didn't last long, though, because then Bella walked into the living-room, straight into my embrace. Her cheeks were still flushed from her walk. I held her close, breathing her in. "How did the exam go?"

"I don't know, I don't care," she said dismissively, laying her head against my chest. I waited for her to say more about it, but she didn't, so I didn't press her. "How was your day?"

"It was alright," I replied, tightening my arms around her. I leaned my chin against the top of her head. "Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to do something on Friday?"

She slowly pulled away and gave me an inquiring look. "You mean like going out?"

"This is exactly what I mean, yes," I said, smiling brightly.

"Why?" She sounded suspicious.

"Because it dawned on me that we had never done that. I'd never asked you on a date before, and even if I do now, it's still backwards. Aren't you supposed to date first and get married later?"

She laughed softly. "Not with you and I."

"No, I guess not," I smiled.

"So let me get this straight," she said after a moment. "You're asking me on a date." It was half question, half statement, as if she wasn't sure.

"Yes, I guess I am," I replied, running my thumb across her cheek. "So what do you say?"

A slow, beautiful smile curled on her lips as she inched closer again. "I'd love to go on a date with you," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck as my lips met hers halfway.

xoxox

Emmett's movie plan won, after all. There were no interesting plays or concerts in our area, and I couldn't take her out to dinner, obviously, so that was the most plausible compromise. We chose a new romantic comedy because those were always neutral and there was a better chance both of us would enjoy it. Bella took the date issue more seriously than I had expected. She didn't stop talking about it throughout the next day, and on Friday before we left for class. She wasn't one to fuss over her appearance the same way Rosalie or Alice had often done, but on Friday evening, she practically kicked me out of our bedroom, spending more time on getting dressed and doing her hair than I'd ever thought possible with her.

It was completely worth it, I thought when she finally joined me downstairs. I couldn't help but stare at her when she made her way down the stairs, carefully, as if she feared to stumble. She wore dark jeans that hugged her figure and make her look taller, somehow. Her blouse was of deep burgundy, and it complimented her fair skin, making it almost translucent in the soft lamplight. Her hair looked lovely, tumbling down her shoulders in ringlets, looking so soft I felt like running my fingers through it. She wore makeup, which in itself was rare. There was a tiny smile at the corner of her lips as I took all this in. "Well?" she asked expectantly, laughing nervously as she reached the bottom stair.

I finally collected my thoughts, and slowly walked towards her. "Beautiful doesn't begin to cover it," I said, meaning every word, but even that didn't feel like enough. There wasn't a strong enough term to describe how utterly stunning she looked.

"Thanks," she whispered, and the color in her cheeks deepened.

I took her arm gently and inhaled. It was the impossible mixture of fragrance and soap and something else, sultry sweetness that was so distinctively Bella. She smiled at me as I placed a kiss against her wrist. I laid her coat against her shoulders and then steered her towards the door. "We'd better get going or there will be no tickets left."

xoxox

"You know, I'm beginning to think you're getting Alice's gift," she hissed as we made our way into the dimly lit theatre.

I snorted. "If I am, I can't help it. But I'm sure Alice will be amused." The movie we wanted to see was sold out by the time we reached the ticket booth, so we settled on the first title the girl behind the counter had suggested. "Do you want anything? Popcorn? Coke? Chocolate?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine," she smiled at me, blushing as she reached for my hand. I let her lead me to our seats.

"So what do you think we're in for? A drama? A horror film?"

"I don't know, I haven't even looked that well," she admitted. "I hope it's not a cheesy chick-flick, I don't have the patience for those."

I shook my head. "It doesn't sound like one, but if it is, we'll leave and move this party to our living-room," I promised her as we took our seats.

"Sure. I think _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ is on TV tonight."

But I didn't laugh at her teasing reply, because only then it dawned on me that this whole thing might be a fatal mistake on my side. Darkness was my friend, Emmett said. All of a sudden, it didn't seem so. "I'm beginning to regret bringing you here," I said lowly in her ear. "I suddenly remembered the last time we were forced to sit in the darkness together." That damn film in Biology. How could I not remember it until now?

Apparently, she didn't remember it up until now as well. "Oh. Well, look at it as a test."

I gave her a sideways look, now amused. "A test of…?"

"Self control," she smiled her angel smile at me just as the lights flickered off, and the theatre was wrapped in darkness.

I could feel the electricity beginning to build the moment the lights were off. But I didn't have to keep away from her now, so I leaned as close to her as I could with the barrier of the armrest between us, until our shoulders were touching. She looked up at the contact and smiled – I thought I saw a hint of encouragement in her eyes, but I dismissed it at once, telling myself Emmett was just unconsciously influencing me. She shifted ever so slightly, and placed her arm on the armrest without looking at me. Hmm. Definitely an encouragement. She was more cunning than I'd given her credit for. Or perhaps Emmett had got to her…?

There was something comforting about the darkness, actually. I had less to worry about prying eyes. I tried very hard to quiet down the thoughts around me. I wanted tonight to be about _her_. As the opening credits began, I covered her hand with mine and let my fingers draw random patterns against the back of her hand. I smiled to myself when I felt her shiver. Two could play Emmett's game.

The movie turned out to be a particularly bad one – about vampires, no less. I heard Bella gasp in surprise when she realized it. Her hand froze beneath my touch. Her head shot in my direction, her eyes wide. When they met mine, there was this spark in them. She buried her head in my shoulder, holding back a chuckle, no doubt.

It was one of the most ridiculous vampire films I'd ever seen, and I'd seen a lot of those in my 90-something years. The special effects were pitiful, and there were far too many historical inconsistencies for my taste, not that anyone else would know that. I felt offended for my kind. The premise was absurd – human women impregnated by male vampires. I shook my head with utter dismay. Did they not _know_ anything? I couldn't watch when the first hybrid baby – one of many who attempted to take over the human world – tore its way out of its mother's womb. I watched Bella instead, and the way the light from the screen was reflected against her ivory skin. My reaction was ludicrous, but I couldn't help it. Biological impossibilities aside, this could have been Bella. I struggled not to dwell too long on that thought.

Bella seemed similarly horrified when we stepped out, making our way between empty popcorn boxes and coke bottles. We discussed it on the short way home, and I was surprised at how most of her opinions had resembled mine. I forgot how observant she had been. She understood our kind so well; it was almost as if she was like us already.

"I think I would have preferred if it _was_ a cheesy chick-flick after all," she said as I opened the car door for her.

"Hmm. I'll have to tell Emmett about this one, he's going to love it."

She raised an eyebrow, amused. "Emmett is a fan of vampire films?"

"That's his guilty pleasure."

"I guess I'm not surprised," she laughed. We were on our doorstep by now. She unlocked the door but didn't open it. She leaned against it and looked at me. In the faint moonlight, her eyes were gleaming. "I had a really great time tonight."

I chuckled. If she had nightmares after this one, I'd have no one but myself to blame. "Now you're lying."

"I'm not. The movie was awful, no doubt about that. But you can't really expect me to enjoy a film about vampires when I've got the real thing at home," she replied, grinning mischievously. "Actually, I think it's kind of cute. My vampire husband took my out to see a vampire film."

I smirked. "Someone has to make a film out of _that_."

"Or write a book. I'm sure we'll make a great story," she laughed, but it soon died out as she looked up at me timidly. "So, is this the point in the date where you're kissing me goodnight?"

I smiled and inched closer, laying my palm against her cheek. I brought my lips close to her ear. "Won't you ask me to come in?"

There was this teasing glimmer in her eyes. "I can't. My husband might not like it."

"In that case," I murmured, using my free hand to pull closer her against me, as I brought my lips to hers. I realized then that I had been waiting for that kiss ever since the lights had gone out at the theatre. Her lips felt soft against mine. It almost felt as if she was smiling, as if she had been waiting for that kiss, too. Her heat overpowered me; I lost myself in the kiss. For one reckless moment, I just let all my defenses drop as our kisses became more urgent. I threaded my fingers in her hair – it was as soft as I knew it would feel – but it wasn't enough. I felt restless, impatient. I unbuttoned her coat hastily, roaming blindly over the soft material of her blouse. I shoved it out of my way as my hands found her waist.

Suddenly she pulled away from me with a gasp. "Neighbors," she breathed. Getting the hint, I kicked the door out of our way; something at the back of my mind reminded me not to damage it. Once inside, I pinned her against the door as our lips locked with one another's again. There was no sound except for her erratic heartbeat, our ragged breaths, and the soft rustle of material as we tugged at each other's coats impatiently.

As I carried her upstairs, I couldn't help the smile that curled on my lips. I would never admit it to him, but it seemed Emmett did know what he was talking about, after all.

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**A bit of next time...**

_I knew I had no right to feel bitter. I encouraged him to forget me, to get a life, and he did just that. I couldn't possibly resent him now, or be jealous. But it felt so strange. I _was_ jealous, but at the same time I was so insanely happy for him._


	18. Chapter 18 Bella

**A/N: just quick headsup, the story now has a new banner thanks to Mizra *big hugs* there's a link in my profile, go and have a look! also, your comments on the previous chapter... no words. you guys are great. honestly. just keep them coming, those alerts make me uber happy :)**

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Chapter 18

I couldn't believe how fast time passed. The end of the term was about a month away. It was as if only yesterday I had feared the midterms, and now we were way passed them, in the middle of the end-of-the-term craze. I did well in two out of my three midterms. The third one, the Introduction to British Culture one, didn't go that great. I passed it, but I knew I could do so much better than I eventually did. With each passing day, I was certain I was going to fail the final exam. It wasn't really a final exam; it was a yearly course, and we were supposed to pick up from where we'd left off the next term. Still, I couldn't continue with the course unless I passed the exam. I sure didn't want to know the consequences of such failure on my future in the English Department. Not that there was much of a future planned for me anyway, but I was hoping to keep my options open, just in case.

Edward knew nothing of this stress, of course. I told him I had done well in all my midterms, like the coward that I was. I could never tell him I was lagging behind in one course; he wouldn't be able to get me out of it anyway. He had his own courses to worry about. Well, in his case it wasn't a question of worry as much as time to do it all. He had more courses than I did, and somehow he had still aced his midterms and was now preparing for the finals. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and hear him cite unfamiliar phrases in Greek and Latin. At least that reassured me that things could be worse.

We didn't have any plans for Thanksgiving. Edward thought he'd go hunting over the break, and I didn't have any problem with that. Alone time was just what I needed – the fewer distractions the better. He left on Friday, even before his first class. This time he planned to drive even farther away. As always, I was sorry to see him go. I watched his car until I could no longer see it, as it disappeared at the end of our street. I stood there wishing for sharper eyesight, anything to earn me just another glimpse of him. And still, although I knew his absence would really dawn on me later this evening, I didn't feel so abandoned this time. I had a mission to complete, and I wasn't having nightmares for a while now. I guessed I was just too exhausted to.

So Edward was gone, and I had nearly a week to try and do something about that exam. It was when I sat in Stephen's class that my plan began to form. To be honest, I only started thinking about it as a distraction from thinking about Edward's whereabouts, but once the idea invaded my mind, it was impossible to shake it off. I hesitated at first. Surely Stephen had offered to help just to be nice. And besides, that was weeks ago. But then again, what other choice did I have? I had already messed up the midterm. I didn't want to fail the final. And I couldn't possibly ask for Edward's help without confessing that embarrassing failure to him, without upsetting him. And since Edward couldn't help me, I thought I'd turn to the next best person who could.

When the class ended, I swallowed my pride and waited for everyone to leave. There weren't many students there this morning; most of them had started the Thanksgiving break early. Alexia and Jamie headed home yesterday evening. Ethan, however, was in class; I could feel his eyes on my back as he lingered by the door, as if he was hoping I would catch up with him if he waited long enough. Keeping my back to him, I took my time placing everything back in my bag. When I next looked up, he was no longer there.

Stephen raised his head from his books as I approached his desk, surprised to find me still there. "You're not rushing out today, Bella?"

"No, I… needed to talk to you." I could do this, I thought. Worst case, he'd tell me to get lost. "I saw you were the one who graded my midterm, so you could probably see for yourself… I'm not doing so well." It was strange to admit it aloud to someone else. But I actually felt better to just let it out. "So I was wondering… if your offer still stands."

It took him just a second to remember. "Sure, I'd love to help you," he said. "The only problem is that the library is closed for the break, and my office is too small for two people. Don't ask," he shook his head in dismay. Then he smiled. "I meant to get some coffee, maybe you can join me."

I didn't even feel awkward with his suggestion. Not if he was going to save my exam. "Yeah, sure, that'll be great," I smiled gratefully and followed him out of the room.

xoxox

"So you're not heading home for Thanksgiving break?" Stephen asked once we found a vacant table in the café he had taken me to. It wasn't that much of a challenge; the place was practically deserted, probably due to the upcoming holiday.

"No. Too much stuff to do. And you?"

"No, I'll just spend the entire break in my tomb of an office," he joked. "This course is very time-consuming and I hardly have time to do my own research, so I have to find the time wherever I can."

As I still couldn't see why someone would want to conduct a research on Chaucer out of his own free will, I sulked. "I can't wait to get to Shakespeare."

My reaction seemed to amuse him. "The next term is all about Shakespeare, don't worry. But let's make sure you get there safely first, shall we?" he said, opening his books.

xoxox

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Stephen said that my exam was actually okay, but it could have been better if I was better focused. We started with Chaucer, and discussed the general prologue of _The Canterbury Tales_. Once I got over my Middle English revulsion I could actually read some of the stuff. He read some of it for me, and translated it into English I could understand. We discussed the characters, and the themes, and he assigned me an essay on the first tale for the next day. I didn't complain about the extra work or the tight deadline. I would do anything to pass the exam.

That evening, just as I settled in the living-room with my books and laptop, and enough food to keep me going for a good few hours, the phone rang. I picked it up absentmindedly, leaving my Coke on the coffee table. It was Alice, and she sounded as hyper as she had always sounded when she called here. I could picture her bouncing as she spoke, making the rest of the Cullens incredibly dizzy.

"Since you're not replying to any of our emails…"

I heard the pout in her voice, and laughed. "I've been busy."

"_So_ busy you couldn't email us back?"

Not that any of those emails carried any important message. It was mostly random news on her side, poignant innuendoes on Emmett's. And they were so frequent – _too_ frequent – that I couldn't possibly keep up with them. "Well I'm only human, Alice. I study all day, I don't have all night to try and have a life as well."

"No, I guess you don't," she said thoughtfully, almost sorrowfully. "Well I know you have a tight schedule, but I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving since you're alone and all that – "

"Did Edward ask you to check on me?" I asked, pretending to be horrified. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he had.

"Edward? He would never!" she mock-gasped, playing along. Then she giggled. "The original plan was to come over and surprise you, but since you decided to use the break for studying…" her voice trailed off again, and I could hear the resentment in her voice. She was obviously displeased with that change in her plans.

"Sorry about that, Alice."

"_Some_ way to spend Thanksgiving. You should go out and celebrate!"

"I _am_ celebrating. I'm having a turkey sandwich," I said defensively.

She snorted – somehow the sound was graceful – and reproached me for my lame holiday spirit. I could hear Carlisle in the background, gently telling her off for bothering me. He apologized on her behalf, and wished me happy holiday. I talked to Esme next, and she made me promise I'd get some rest. I didn't have a chance to say much when the phone was quickly snatched by Emmett, who told me to leave the stupid books for the night and go looking for a good party. I was still smiling to myself when I hung up. I missed them too, I realized; just as badly as I had missed my own parents.

Talking to the Cullens had made me homesick, so I decided to call Renée and Charlie next. I tried to do it as often as I could, but recently those phone calls went down to once a week, on a good week. Renée and Phil were headed to Mexico for Christmas, my mom told me, and I was happy for her. She sounded well, and that was a relief. Charlie was doing okay too. He was always uncharacteristically chatty when I called, and even though he was pulling a good act for my sake, it was still good to hear his voice. I wished him happy Thanksgiving and explained that we weren't doing anything special because we were both studying like crazy. I said nothing about that one miserable midterm. Like Edward, Charlie was thrilled I was doing well and enjoying myself here, and I didn't have the heart to break his illusion.

"Oh," he said at some point; "You'll never guess, Bells. Jacob's finally gotten himself a girl."

My throat suddenly felt dry. I was relieved I was already sitting down, or my knees would have given way. "What?"

"Yeah. I didn't catch her name, but I think she's from the reservation. It sounds pretty serious. Billy says he wouldn't leave her side."

"Wow. That's great, dad," I croaked. I hoped he didn't notice.

The conversation stretched; I hardly heard Charlie after that piece of news. The phone felt heavy when I finally put it down. I was suddenly relieved Edward was away. I needed time to digest this. Jacob, imprinting? Or was it just a normal, human crush? Was he in love with her? Was she good enough for him?

I knew I had no right to feel bitter. I encouraged him to forget me, to get a life, and he did just that. I couldn't possibly resent him now, or be jealous. But it felt so strange. I _was_ jealous, but at the same time I was so insanely happy for him. I wondered what she was like, how they met. For a moment I was so tempted to pick up the phone and give him a call, tease him as mercilessly as he had teased me the last time we met, but I stopped myself. It was better if I didn't. I just had to be glad he finally found happiness, and slowly let him go. It was only fair.

I pushed the phone as far away from me as I could, and opened my books. Yeah, I told myself. It was for the best.

xoxox

I met Stephen every day during the break. We spent hours in that same café, as it was the only convenient place to study in. His office, it turned out, _was_ tiny. I stopped by there so he could return one of my essays. There were books scattered all over the place, even on the floor. His desk occupied most of the space, and his excuse of a window was ridiculously small. A cabin in a ship was bigger than this room. It was impossible not to feel claustrophobic there. I was relieved he suggested we'd sit elsewhere.

I was making a good progress in a matter of days, which made me relieved. Maybe I wasn't a hopeless case after all. Whenever I felt like taking a break, we just sat there and talked about other books we read, the reading I was assigned in my other courses, my other lecturers. It was so simple to talk to him. It was always easier for me to connect with people older than me. My mom was still my best friend, in spite of Alice and Angela, Alexia and Jamie. Technically, Edward was older than me. I guessed Jake was an exception, but Stephen fit right in with his twenty-something years of age. And he made it so easy. He never hit on me or threw awkward innuendoes at me. It wasn't just because he was committed for a teacher/student relationship; it was more than that. It just wasn't in his nature to act like that. He never made me feel uncomfortable like Ethan constantly did.

The last day of the Thanksgiving break was the last day of our studying sessions. Five days of intense studying seemed enough. With Stephen's advice, I decided I would try to handle the rest on my own. We went over the problematic parts together anyway; I should be able to do the rest on my own. When I went back home that day, I felt so much more reassured, so much more confident. Now I had no doubts. I _would_ pass the final.

I noticed the car when I entered our street. I halted, but only for a moment, before I sprinted towards our house. My confidence was now replaced with silly resentment. He was back and he didn't even call me! I hurried to the front door – never stumbling once in spite of the slippery path – and tore it open. "Edward?" I called, stepping in.

And then, suddenly, he was there, and it was as if the past week had never happened. He was never away. I got rid of my bag and threw my arms around him, somehow at the same time. My lips found his before we even got a chance to say a proper hello to one another. His lips were urgent on mine, half rough, half gentle. He swept me effortlessly off my feet without breaking the kiss.

As he carried me upstairs, one thing was clear.

We'd have enough time for talking later.

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**Next time…**

_I took my time in the kitchen. I found the ice fairly fast, but I couldn't bring myself to go back up there. I hurt her. I had always feared I would, and now I did. And she just brushed it off… as if she was preparing herself for the possibility? It made me feel impossibly more disgusted with myself. For the first time in quite a while, I wondered if she was not better off with Jacob Black after all._


	19. Chapter 19 Edward

**A/N: because I don't believe in keeping chapters hostage if they're ready and done... reviews are still lovely :)**

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**Chapter 19**

Coming back was my favorite part of my hunting trips now. It didn't use to be like that. I used to enjoy the drive, the exhilaration of the hunt, the immediate relief that followed the feeding. Now, from the moment I was on my way, all I truly wanted was to be back with her again. Thoughts of our reunion had kept me distracted from the moment I reached the highway. I would never admit it to anyone, but there was always the fear – ludicrous but still there – that I would be back to find her gone. In those alarming scenarios, she realized the mistake she'd made by marrying the monster that I was, and made her escape while she still could. But each time I got back those fears dissipated – she was still there.

I held her tighter against me now, and listened to her slowing heart beating against my chest as I tried to calm my own breathing. I could feel her trembling against me, but she cuddled closer to me, in defiance of my cold skin, almost. Her fingers grazed down my arm before she found my hand, slowly lacing our fingers together. Outside, it started raining. I couldn't care less. If I could just hold her like that forever, I would. With my free hand – the one that wasn't holding hers – I ran my fingers through her hair, and I could tell the slow movement of my hand was lulling her to sleep. But I didn't want her to fall asleep just yet. It was selfish, but I wanted to make up for the time we had lost.

"What did you do while I was gone?"

"I studied, mostly," her voice was sleepy as she slowly drifted.

"I'm sorry I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with you."

"Don't worry, you definitely made up for it now." I could tell that she was blushing even though she was not looking at me. I chuckled. "Did you find any mountain lions?"

I chuckled again. "It's not the season for mountain lions yet, Bella."

"Oh."

I slipped my hand from her hair to the small of her back, drawing small circles against her skin. She shivered against me. I reached for the comforter at our waists and adjusted it so it would cover her bare shoulders. "I was thinking, while I was driving home… about Christmas."

"What about it?"

"Well, if you remember, the original plan was to spend it with your mother. If you still want to do that, we'll need to hurry up with tickets, it's a busy season," I said, pressing my lips to the top of her head.

"I forgot about that. My mom is not going to be home for Christmas, though. She and Phil are going to Mexico."

That explained what Alice had seen, and the enthusiastic text that followed. I smiled. "So that leaves the other plan I wanted to discuss with you."

"What other plan?"

"I was thinking that if you want, we could go home for Christmas break."

"Home, to Forks?"

"If you want," I repeated, now hesitantly. I couldn't decipher her tone. What if she didn't want to go?

But then she raised her head from my chest, and her eyes glimmered. "Really?"

I kissed her, now laughing. The change was unbelievable. She used to detest Forks. "Yes. Really. You can call Charlie tomorrow and tell him."

To my surprise, she shook her head. "No. I want to surprise him. I can't wait to see his face," she giggled, but it died out quickly. A shadow clouded her blissful expression. "It's going to be awkward," she said, but it sounded as if she was talking to herself more than to me.

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Why?"

She hesitated, but then her eyes met mine and she sighed. "You might as well know now. It's Jacob. He's seeing someone."

I was away for less than a week and the world seemed to change entirely. "Imprinting?"

"I'm not sure. I couldn't ask Charlie," she said and her nose wrinkled as if this fact displeased her.

"Interesting," I said, before the real meaning of it dawned on me. I observed her closely. She didn't seem wounded or devastated. I decided to question it anyway. "How do you feel about this?"

"I'm… okay with it, actually," she said slowly. "It took some time to get used to, but I'm just so glad he finally found someone to care for."

"Jacob is a good boy," he said, allowing myself to be generous now when he was out of my way.

She laughed softly. "He's not a boy, Edward. Hasn't been one for a while now."

"Well, in my standards he is," I reasoned. I didn't want to linger on the Jacob issue though. I felt it was still too fresh in her mind to dwell on. She might appear fine, but who knew what I was getting myself into by insisting on it. "So, home for Christmas, then?"

She nodded, and excitement ignited in her eyes again. "Home for Christmas."

xoxox

I called home the next morning to officially tell them. Officially, because I was certain Alice had already had it all settled and planned with Esme by now. And indeed, it was Alice who answered the phone literally the moment it rang, and babbled excitedly. "Oh, Edward! I'm so happy you're coming to visit, it's going to be so exciting! Our first real Christmas in _decades_!" she gushed.

"Hmm. I think I would have preferred it if Emmett answered the phone," I said sarcastically.

"No you wouldn't. You don't want to hear _half_ the things _he_ has to say to you. Seriously, Edward, you could have chosen a better place to discuss things with Bella than your _bedroom_! Ugh! Do you have no respect for your sister's eyes?"

"Perhaps if my sister stopped minding other people's business, she wouldn't have seen things she didn't want to see," I backfired, now smiling.

"You are no fun," she huffed impatiently, but her irritation quickly dissipated. "So when are you coming?"

"You tell me. It sounds as if you have it all worked out already."

"I _think_ you'll make it right on time for Christmas Eve, if the traffic is bearable," she said thoughtfully. "It's still not clear. Oh, but that paper you handed in two weeks ago? The one you worried about? Well, don't," she giggled. I shook my head. She was _impossible_. I didn't even get a chance to scold her; she just went on. "So do I get to tell Charlie you're coming? He'll be so happy to see Bella!"

"_No_! No telling Charlie, Alice. Bella wants to surprise him."

"_What_? Where's the fun in _that_, I want to see his face _now_!" Even without seeing her, I could tell she was pouting.

"_Promise_ you won't tell him, Alice," I warned her. I wouldn't let her spoil the fun for Bella.

"Oh, alright. But if she changes her mind, I get to tell him! Promise!"

"Fine. If she changes her mind, you get to tell him," I sighed.

"Yay!" she singsonged. I rolled my eyes. "So do you want to speak to Emmett now?"

xoxox

It was raining again. It hit rhythmically against the windows of our bedroom, but we hardly noticed. It was Wednesday morning, nearly two weeks before the finals, three weeks before Christmas. It was tempting to just forget about today's classes. Ditching _was_ healthy from time to time; this was something I had learned from Emmett. Especially when you had a good enough excuse.

"Mmm… we should probably… get ready… for class…" Bella breathed against my lips.

I raised an eyebrow, amused, as she pulled further away from me, gently pushing me against the bed-board. For a moment it felt as if we had changed roles. "Isn't this supposed to be my line? Does that mean I get to complain how I'm not done kissing you yet?"

She smiled, but moved an inch farther. She was still straddling me; her arms were still wrapped around my neck, so I had good reason to doubt her true intentions. "I thought you had an important class this morning."

"I do," I returned her smile, growing distracted with the way her fingers slowly caressed the hair at the nape of my neck.

"Then why – "

"Too much talking, Love," I murmured in her ear before I pressed my lips to the crook of her neck. She hissed – I figured it was because my lips felt too cold against her skin – but her grip around my neck tightened in what felt like an encouragement. I kissed my way to her ear again and sucked on her earlobe. She purred; it was a low, soft sound that rippled right through me. I did it again; her nails dug into my shoulders as my name escaped her lips in a soft murmur. My mind was a blur.

She shifted then, trying to meet my gaze, but her own gaze was dark, lustful, and extremely disoriented. I gave her what she seemed to be searching, pressing my lips to hers once, twice, teasingly pulling away after each time. After a few moments of that she huffed impatiently, grabbed the front of my tee-shirt with more force than I'd expected from her, and unceremoniously pulled me towards her. I chuckled at her eagerness as I slowly brought my lips back to hers. That was definitely more like her. I brushed my tongue against her bottom lip, seeking access. She moaned as our kiss deepened.

I reveled at how good I was getting at this. I remembered my initial fears, my hesitation to do things her way, but those seemed ridiculous now. It just became easier and easier. Especially now, with the news of Jacob Black's imprinting. Of course I contacted Seth after Bella had told me. I wanted to make sure he was out of our lives for good. I was happy for him, but I was more relieved for myself. It would be easy for Bella to forget him if he was with someone he cared for, if she knew he was happy.

I kissed her harder now, feeling bolder and more confident than ever before. She moaned again. The sound vibrated through me; I held back a growl. She lay back down, taking me with her. She was panting as I pulled away from her, trailing kisses down her throat. She arched her back, trying to press herself against me. She giggled breathlessly when I bit the collar of her tee-shirt. The sound made me dizzy, and dizzier still with her wriggling beneath me. I brought my hands up to lock them around her wrists, to hold her in place.

All of a sudden she cried out.

My entire body stiffened. I struggled to bring my mind to the right track. "Bella? Love, what's wrong?"

Her face was contorted with pain. "Nothing, you just…" her voice trailed off as she looked over her head. I let go of her wrists instantly.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked, now panicked, and sat up.

"It's nothing," she assured me, but her voice trembled. She winced when I took one of her hands in mine.

As gently as I possibly could, I felt the bones beneath the skin. "I don't think it's broken," I said quietly, relieved but at the same time horrified with myself. "I'm so sorry."

She shook her head and kissed my cheek. "It's okay. I'm fine. Luckily it has some time to heal before the finals."

Her tone was light, but I couldn't help but wonder if she was putting an act of bravery just so I wouldn't feel even worse. "I'll get you some ice for that," I said, climbing out of bed. I was out of the room before she had a chance to protest.

I took my time in the kitchen. I found the ice fairly fast, but I couldn't bring myself to go back up there. I hurt her. I had always feared I would, and now I did. And she just brushed it off… as if she was preparing herself for the possibility? It made me feel impossibly more disgusted with myself. For the first time in quite a while, I wondered if she was not better off with Jacob Black after all.

I shook my head, sending the thought away. I didn't truly believe that. I couldn't even imagine what would have become of my life if she _had_ chosen Jacob. And then I reminded myself that she hadn't, that she was here, that she was mine. It suddenly dawned on me that in the months we'd spent here, we had never set our feet in the ER. She attracted accidents towards her like a magnet in Forks and yet here… like on Isle Esme, the only danger lurking was myself. But even if that were the case, I couldn't let a single incident affect me. Yes, she was hurting because of me now, but if easing her pain was all I could do, I had to do it.

Somewhat more reassured by this realization, I wrapped the packet of ice in a dishcloth and went back upstairs.

* * *

**Next time…**

_"Did he give you that scar as well?" he asked acidly, looking at the faded crescent on my arm, where James had bitten me. I narrowed my eyes at him, saying nothing. He sighed and shook his head. "You don't have to defend him, Bella. If he hurt you, you have to do something."_


	20. Chapter 20 Bella

**A/N: hi everyone, there'll probably be another update at some point of the weekend, so stay tuned. enjoy this one, reviews are awesome :)**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

By Friday, the pain in my wrists didn't bother me anymore. There were bruises of course, but it looked nastier than it felt, really. Besides, I'd had worse. And it could have been worse. I was trying to tell Edward that, because he was clearly shaken by the whole incident, but he didn't hear me. He was constantly beating himself up as if he had committed some horrible crime. I hoped it didn't mean we were back at the starting point again. I wouldn't be able to bear it if he went all distant and aloof on me just before finals.

Stephen, who was already getting ready by his desk, smiled at me as I took my seat next to Alexia. I returned the smile while promptly ignoring Ethan, who sat on my other side. Rude, but sometimes that was the only way out. Being around him was getting seriously uncomfortable. Ever since that nearly-kissing incident, he was trying to make amends. Edward called him Mike-alike behind his back; I was starting to see his point now. There were still about 5 minutes until the beginning of class, so I tried to focus Alexia's story about her plans for the weekend, well-aware of his eyes on my back.

I didn't know if it was because the weather outside was grim, but the room was incredibly stuffy. Someone had turned on the heater way more than they should have. I took my jacket off and hung it on the back of my chair; then I absentmindedly pushed my sleeves up. On my right, I heard Ethan start. I glanced at him and he looked away abruptly, but I could still tell he caught sight of the bruises on my wrists. He was trying to catch my eyes throughout the class. I kept ignoring him, but when Stephen finally dismissed us, he cornered me.

"Bella."

I sighed and told Alexia I'd meet her outside. Might as well to just get over with it. "Yes, Ethan?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything is great. I'm actually kind of need to be someplace so do you mind – "

"How did you get those bruises on your wrists?" he asked unceremoniously. At least he went straight to the point.

"I tripped and fell on them."

He snorted. "Oh, please. You don't get bruises like that from falling."

"_I_ do."

But he didn't move out of my way. He was practically blocking my exit. "Did he do this to you?"

"_What_?"

"Your husband." He all but spat the word out, as if the thought disgusted him.

"What? No!"

"Did he give you that scar as well?" he asked acidly, looking at the faded crescent on my arm, where James had bitten me. I narrowed my eyes at him, saying nothing. He sighed and shook his head. "You don't have to defend him, Bella. If he hurt you, you have to do something."

His voice was so calm, so confident, I felt like slapping him. "Mind your own business, Ethan!" I hissed, glancing around. People were still around, but none of them seemed interested in our argument.

"Is everything okay here?" Stephen was standing right behind me all of a sudden. He flashed a look of concern at me before he nailed Ethan with one reproaching look. "Looks like you're having some kind of a problem," he said without taking his eyes off Ethan. The warning in his voice, as well as in his stare, couldn't have been clearer.

"No problem at all," Ethan said, clearly displeased with the turn of events. I couldn't care less. I watched him as he grabbed his books and stormed out of class.

"What was that all about?" Stephen wondered aloud as he followed me out.

"Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut," I grumbled, tugging at my sleeves.

"I know it's not ethical of me, but he's a jerk, don't mind him."

I laughed bitterly. It helped, sort of. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

"So how is studying going?"

"For the final? Pretty good actually, I think I might pass it."

"You _will_ pass it."

"I hope so. Just in case I decide to stay here another year."

I didn't realize I said it aloud until his forehead cringed in confusion. "Why wouldn't you stay here another year?"

Oh, just a deal I'd had with my vampire husband about my pending immortality. "Don't mind me. It's just the panic speaking."

"You have no reason to be panicked," he assured me. "You're doing really well." We caught up with Alexia by then, and Stephen waved at both of us as he continued in the opposite direction of the hall. "Have a good weekend, ladies."

Ethan walked passed us then, still looking sour. I frowned as Alexia and I resumed our walking. She gave me a look. "What's his problem?"

"Oh, just the usual," I said dismissively, pulling my sleeves further down my wrists. "Where are we going?"

"We're meeting Jamie for coffee," Alexia replied, pulling me after her. She had the amazing gift of mingling within a crowd without bumping into anyone, something I hoped I would be able to master by the end of the year.

In the past few weeks, it became our habit. Since our second tutorial hadn't started until 12, and since the three of us attended it, we'd killed the time together. It was a great opportunity for catching up. Throughout the week we hardly had a chance to talk, only in stolen moments between classes or on the run from one class to another. On Fridays we had an uninterrupted hour, and comparing with the time we usually had, that was a lot.

I was still amazed with myself for opening up to them. I wasn't used to making friends so easily. It was always easier to just keep to myself, to hide behind a book or headphones. The timing was lousy, to say the least. If anything, it made things more complicated. With each passing day, I got more and more attached to them. I feared our upcoming separation. It was silly to think about it; we still had plenty of time together. It was just sad to know time was borrowed. It was sadder that I had no idea how I was going to break it to them that I wouldn't be around next year.

The café we usually frequented was right off the campus, and they served the best hot chocolate. I could definitely use one now. Jamie was waiting us in our usual booth; she waved at us the moment she saw us walk in, putting aside the book she was reading.

"Go and sit down, I'll order for both of us," Alexia suggested, as if she saw I was still edgy about the whole incident with Ethan. I nodded gratefully and took her bag from her, then slipped into the booth next to Jamie. Her class was with a different tutor and she hated him, so we spent a few minutes ranting about that. Well, she ranted, and I did my best to comfort her. Alexia and I were lucky to have Stephen.

"Hey, I just ran into Edward," Jamie said after a while, laying down her mug.

"Really?" I asked, laughing at myself. Even hearing his name made my heart flutter.

"Yeah, right before I got here," she said, and there was a smile in her voice. Her eyes got kind of dreamy. "He's so…" her voice trailed off, as if she couldn't find the word she was looking for.

"I know exactly what you mean," I assured her.

She giggled. "Do you? I know you guys are married and I probably shouldn't be telling _you_ this, but I always get kind of incoherent while he's around."

"Oh, trust me, I know how _that_ feels," I said. I hoped she didn't notice the blush that slowly rose in my cheeks.

Alexia joined us then, placing a steaming mug in front of me. "Whom are we talking about?"

"Her husband," said Jamie, nodding towards me.

"Oh, Bella's handsome husband," Alexia smiled. I felt my blush deepen. I brought the mug to my lips, hoping to hide behind it. "You still haven't quite told us how you found him."

"I did tell you. We went to school together."

I should have known the high-school sweethearts version wouldn't work again. Jamie mock-groaned. "A little more details, Bella, it won't kill you! Where did you meet?"

"In Biology class." I shuddered inwardly, trying to push that memory back. If I closed my eyes I could almost feel the intensity of his gaze on me, those coal-black eyes boring into me…

Alexia snorted, cutting the memory short. "Are you sure it wasn't Chemistry?" They both laughed at that. "Seriously though. You know us long enough to know it's not gossip we're after. Didn't you feel you're a bit young to walk down the aisle? First love and all that?"

"I don't want anyone else," I said simply, sipping my drink. It was probably the most cliché thing to say, but it was still true. He was all I'd ever wanted.

"Not that we can blame you," said Jamie, and there was this mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

"He _is_ unbelievably gorgeous," Alexia agreed. "Almost… as if he wasn't human, you know what I mean?"

I nearly choked on my drink, but my reaction passed unnoticed by both of them. I pretended to join the giggles Alexia's statement brought on, but I was actually laughing at her accidentally sharp observation. If only they knew.

xoxox

It was during our other tutorial when darker thoughts replaced the elation of spending time with my girlfriends. I stole a glance around me, not bothering to listen to the lecture. There was this familiar pain creeping in when my gaze lingered on Jamie, replying to someone's comment, and Alexia, studiously typing something on her laptop, even Lara, who was daydreaming at the other side of the room. Like a few months ago, when graduation was lurking closer, it now dawned on me that I wasn't ready.

I was beating myself up over this realization throughout the day. It was my fault, really. I was a big enough fool to put down roots here, a place I had vowed to dislike, merely an excuse for my human family, the happy ending I felt I owed them. I wasn't planning on having fun here, or making friends. Now it felt as if the inevitable ending was coming too soon. I didn't want to give it up so fast.

But that was selfish too, wasn't it? I couldn't have it all. I had to make a choice. I _had_ made a choice, and I just had to stick to it. I couldn't change my mind now, nor could I stall things, because it wouldn't make it easier. Immortality was a sacrifice. I had known it all along and I agreed to go along with it. And if I was stupid enough to put down roots here, I would just have to pay the price.

There was a light squeeze around my waist before Edward nuzzled my neck. "What are you thinking about?" he asked, his voice merely a whisper, his breath tickling my skin.

"Nothing. I got a little sidetracked, that's all."

"Too scary for you?" he asked, his lips curling in a small smile as he nodded towards the TV.

"No, I'm just distracted." Who wouldn't be? Regardless of the thoughts that wouldn't let me go, his nearness alone was enough to send anyone's heart – especially mine – flying. We were cuddled on the sofa in front of the TV watching a movie – my ideal way of spending Friday night. Edward had tucked an afghan around me before he pulled me into his cool embrace. Every once in a while he would press a kiss to my hair or run a finger over my bruised wrists, so obviously, my attention span was low to begin with.

"What's wrong?"

I turned to lie on my back so I could face him. Behind me, the damsel in distress uttered a blood-curdling scream again. Or, I imagined it was blood-curdling back in the 30s when _King Kong_ was premiered. The light from the TV made Edward's skin glow, like an exquisite marble. I touched his cheek to remind myself that he was real, that he was _mine_. I traced a line across his bottom lip; he placed a kiss against my finger. I could see the expectation in his stare. But how could I say this to him in a way that would make sense? "How do you do it?"

"What, Love?"

"Keeping to yourself the way you do. I'm trying to imagine myself in your place and I can't. I bet it's so _lonely_." I knew 'lonely' would probably be the understatement of the century, and that it was probably a sore point. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings or linger on painful topics. But it was more than just curiosity. I _had_ to know.

"It _is_ lonely. But it doesn't come without practice." His expression was composed, but I saw through it. The sadness in his stare was fathomless. Even if time was the key, and you got used to the loneliness, at the end of the day, it _was_ a matter of sacrifice, of the price you had to pay. "It's safer than getting attached," he added, and I couldn't decide if he meant safer for him when he moved on to a new place, or safer for his surroundings, like it was safer for me not to want to be near him when we had first met. Safer because everyone he had encountered along the way was potentially his next victims. I decided I didn't want to question it just now.

He scrutinized my face, and I knew he was trying to figure out why I would want to know that, why now. "I just…" I sighed as my voice trailed off. I struggled to put thoughts into words. "I don't think I could ever be as good at this as you are," I confessed.

"It's a lonely life, Bella," he said again, and his gaze was intense. "But you won't have to face it alone. And you _will_ get better at this. It's only a matter of practice."

But did I want to get better at this? Did I want to deliberately detach myself, to stay apart, to be as cold and indifferent to others as he had been to me those first few months at school? Was I even able to? Was I really, honestly ready to give up college, my friends, this house?

He leaned to kiss my forehead before he brought his eyes back to the TV. There was this finality to his stare, and I knew he thought his answer had satisfied me. And maybe it was for the best, because I didn't want him to question my motives. I knew the idea of me having second thoughts about immortality would please him to no end, and I couldn't handle that right now, not as confused as I was. I turned on my side so I could lean against him again, and struggled to force my attention on the movie, but my mind was a blur, because suddenly, I knew the answer for all my questions, and it made me giddy, and more distracted than ever before.

I wasn't ready to give it all up. Not yet.

* * *

**Next time…**

_As the term came to a close I was beginning to fear for the future. I wasn't ready to change her, not yet. I was trying to think of ways to say this to her without breaking any possible promise I had ever made to her, but I just couldn't find the way._


	21. Chapter 21 Edward

**A/N: hi y'all, here's another one. happy reading! keep up the amazing reviews, I love each and every one of them :)**

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**Chapter 21**

"Alright, let's go over this one more time. The introduction in _Beowulf_ provides us…"

"The history behind the events and the main characters."

"And the poem begins with…"

"A funeral, which sets the tone for future events in the poem."

"An elegy is…"

"A literary form that celebrates death."

"See, you're better at this than you're giving yourself credit for."

"Ugh, stop praising me and start asking the really difficult questions," Bella grumbled.

I held back a smile. She was so stressed for this exam and yet here she was, answering correctly to everything I'd asked her in the past two hours or so. We were sitting across from one another in the living-room, each occupying one sofa. There were books and notes scattered all across the room. I had Bella's laptop, where she had summarized her notes for her exam. We'd spent the afternoon studying, but when I saw she was getting frustrated, I suggested helping her. I did say I would tutor her when the decision to come here had been made, so I felt it was my duty to help her now. But now it was nearing midnight, and I worried that perhaps it was best if she'd just leave the rest for tomorrow, but she insisted to stay up. She just brought another cup of coffee from the kitchen as if to prove her point. I idly wondered how long it would take before she crashed.

I glanced at her notes again. "Two central elements of the poem are…"

"Religion and fantasy."

"When I say 'But death is not easily/ escaped from by anyone/ all of us with souls, earth-dwellers/ and children of men, must make our way/ to a destination already ordained', I mean…"

"That fate is inevitable, but even though it's predetermined, one must still take action and aspire for fame and glory before death."

"I wonder what he means there by 'all of us with souls'," I mused. "Does that mean the fate of the likes of me is _not_ predetermined?"

"Of course it is," she replied, not missing a beat. "You were destined to meet me, which means your fate _is_ predetermined… which means you do have a soul," she concluded, looking awfully proud of herself. Then she shook her head thoughtfully. "You're more like this story than you realize."

I laughed softly. "How is that?"

"You think you're a monster, the bad guy, but like you told _me_ once, you don't see yourself very clearly. Even if you _are_ the monster, you're not all-evil, because there is no such thing. Ultimate evil or ultimate good just don't exist."

"Does that make me Grendel or Beowulf?" I asked, amused by her association.

"That's just it. It doesn't matter. Beowulf is not all-good either. He's proud, he chases fame, he always thinks he's going to die, and his battle strategy is flawed. It doesn't matter which one you are, because both of them embody good and evil at the same time." She looked contemplative for a moment. "Hmm. Maybe I should use _you_ as an example in my essay."

"Somehow I don't think your lecturers will appreciate you're writing about your vampire husband," I laughed. She smirked at the idea, and then yawned. "Bed time for the human?" I asked hopefully.

"No, not yet. I have too much to do."

"Really, Bella, you've been studying ever since you got home this afternoon. You need to get some rest."

"I will. The moment this exam is behind me." She nodded towards the laptop in my lap. "Come on. Back to work."

xoxox

The morning I had my last exam, Bella meant to catch up on her sleep. She had her last exam the day before, and she had spent days studying for it with hardly any sleep at all. And yet in spite of her promises to spend the entire day in bed, she walked me to the door when I left that morning. We stood on the doorway kissing for about ten minutes before I finally pulled away from her reluctantly. "Let's save some of this for later, shall we?" I murmured against her lips before I turned to go.

"Edward, wait," she pleaded, laying her hands against my chest to stop me. There was strange urgency in her stare. Her cheeks flushed slightly. "There's something I need to tell you."

I watched her curiously. Her face gave nothing away, except for the blush. "I'm listening."

"Well, you know how I felt about this whole college thing at first, and I just wanted to say I was wrong. I really like it here. I'm glad you didn't let me skip it."

I smiled, holding back the 'I told you so' that was on the tip of my tongue. "I'm glad you feel that way, Love."

"And also… if you want to stay another year… I won't have a problem with that."

I stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. Did she really just say what I thought she did? "You… really mean that? You will stay human for another year?"

"All other conditions still stand, of course," she said, and the color in her cheeks deepened.

"Of course," I laughed, caressing her cheek, struggling to contain my excitement. "I know I'm taking a risk merely by asking this, but what brought this on?"

"I'm not really sure, actually," she admitted, smiling sheepishly. "I didn't even plan to tell you anything until Christmas, but I just…" her voice trailed off as a shadow suddenly crossed her face. She looked at me carefully. "Are you very upset with me?"

Was she joking? She was willing to give me more time; I was anything _but_ upset with this turn of events. "Why in the world would I be upset?" I asked, pressing a kiss to her temple. I wondered if Alice knew. I'd only spoken to her the night before and she hadn't said anything. It wasn't like Alice to keep that sort of thing to herself, to say the very least.

Bella smiled – in relief, it seemed. "I was also thinking that maybe we could spend the summer on the island again." Her voice – although timid – was thick with implications. Her eyes held my gaze as she ran a hand down my chest.

"You're going to be held responsible if I fail today's exam," I chided, putting my hand on hers to stop her.

"I think I'm willing to take the chance," she smiled sweetly, slowly wrapping her arms around my neck. "Will you be very distracted?" she murmured, her lips inches from mine.

"Extremely," I whispered, pressing my forehead to hers.

"Good luck," she said, placing a small kiss against my lips.

"Go back to sleep, and I'll see you in a little while," I promised.

On my way to campus, I tried to make sense of what she had just told me. She loved it here. She wanted to stay another year, she was willing to remain _human_. It was inconceivable. After her fierce objection to even consider college, she wanted to stay here. As the term came to a close I was beginning to fear for the future. I wasn't ready to change her, not yet. I was trying to think of ways to say this to her without breaking any possible promise I had ever made to her, but I just couldn't find the way. And now, she just solved the problem for me. She would remain human.

Just as Bella had predicted, just as I feared, the three and a half hours of the exam stretched as our conversation replayed itself in my mind. I finished most of the exam in less than half an hour, and the rest of the time, as I pretended to be writing, I tried very hard to push away the mental images that now whirled inhabited through my mind. I saw the golden beaches of Isle Esme, and the way the water sparkled while coming in direct contact with the sunlight. I pretended to hear nothing but the soft murmur of the waves. I remembered the wildlife, and venom pooled in my mouth at the thought of the endless hunting possibilities. I saw Bella in one of the outrageous swimsuits my sister had picked for her, lying next to me on the sand with those red tints in her hair. This last image was more distracting than the others – it took a lot of willpower to send it away.

I struggled to focus my thoughts on more reasonable things, like the upcoming Christmas, only days away. We were leaving for Forks in a few days. I could hardly believe the time had finally come. There was this childish anticipation babbling within me. I missed each and every one of them, even Rose and her vanity, Emmett and his unrelenting teasing. We hadn't truly celebrated Christmas for decades, and I was looking forward to it now.

It was going to be my first Christmas with Bella, and I was determined to get her something, no matter how badly she resented it. Until now I'd been very good as far as gifts were concerned, so I decided she was inclined to return the favor. It was only the question of what I should get her. A jewel, I decided. Finding a local jeweler or visiting the Tiffany's website were probably the easiest thing to do, but I decided against those. Hand-me-downs had more meaning in my eyes. And the fact Bella had approved of them assured me that she wouldn't throw a fit over receiving one of them. Or at least I hoped so.

Carlisle was keeping my mother's jewelries for me, and although those were only few, I spent the next hour or so wondering which of them would be most suitable for Bella. I knew she wouldn't appreciate a diamond necklace – there was a great chance she wouldn't speak to me if I even attempted to get her one of those. I couldn't give her a bracelet, as she was still wearing the one Jacob had given her, and I didn't want her to feel compelled to choose between the two. I could give her one of my mother's rings. She didn't wear her engagement ring here; she said she was afraid to lose it or whatnot. I thought that the ring I had in mind – a plain silver one with a single moonstone on it – would look very nice on her. Moonstones were subtler than diamonds or emeralds. There was no reason for her to reject that.

Finally, to my great relief, it was a reasonable time to leave the room. I had an unwritten rule to never be the first one to leave the room during an exam. I waited until 5 other people had handed in their exams before I got up and slowly made my way out. The hallway was deserted except for a few students who waited for their friends to finish.

My cell-phone vibrated in my pocket the moment I turned it back on. I reached for it, and managed to see it was a new text message that had been received, but just then I heard my name being called. I turned to see Lara rushing towards me. I sighed inwardly. Was she ever going to give up? I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to bump into her when we were back from the break.

"Lara," I said when she caught up with me.

_He's just too beautiful_. "I can't believe this exam is finally over! How did you do?"

"Alright, I think," I replied, keeping my smile polite. I knew what she was after, so I asked, "How did _you_ do?"

"Oh, I totally messed up that second essay. But other than that, I think it went okay. It was easier than I expected, don't you think?"

"Yes, quite easy," I agreed. Well, it _was_ easy, especially if you'd written that same exam about two decades ago.

_He has a really sexy voice, I've never noticed before_. "So, erm, do you have plans for the break?"

"Yes, actually. Bella and I are leaving in a few days. We're going to spend Christmas with our family."

"Oh. That's… exciting." _Ugh, Bella. I started to forget all about her_. "I didn't have a chance to see Bella after our exam yesterday. Do you know how she did in that one?"

"I think she did well," I said, absentmindedly glancing at my watch.

Unfortunately, she noticed. _Impatient, are we? I bet he's in a hurry to go back home to his little wife. But wow. That's, like, the longest conversation I've had with him all term. _"Well, uhh… Merry Christmas. Have fun on the break."

"You too. Perhaps I'll see you next term."

_Oh, you'll see me. If it's up to me, you sure will_. "Tell Bella I said hi." _Gah. If only…_

"I will," I said, smiling brightly, and turned to go before she managed to think of another thing to say.

As I walked down the hall, I turned my attention back to my cell-phone. I smiled to myself, thinking the text would be from Bella. She used to send me random texts from time to time, when she was bored in the middle of class, and I used to pretend to be horrified that she did. My smile got an inch wider when I thought back of my conversation with Lara. I couldn't wait to tell Bella all about it. The thought made me chuckle under my breath. She was rather adorable when she was pulling off her 'of course I'm not jealous' act, or trying to pull it off, considering how bad she was in pretending. I was looking forward to that afternoon.

But the message wasn't from Bella. _Something's wrong with Bella. Can't see. Go home, NOW!_

I was no longer smiling. The message was at least two hours old. I hastened my steps down the hall and stormed out of the building. The moment I was out of human sight, I ran.


	22. Chapter 22 Bella

**A/N: OME. You guys are friggin' **_**incredible**_**. Thank you so, **_**so**_** much for your reviews and feedback and kind words – I've **_**never**_** hit over 30 reviews per chapter in **_**any**_** of my previous stories, and now you actually made it happen with over 50 on the previous one, so thank you. Big hugs to all of you. And keep it up because it makes me happy that my little story is causing all this commotion. Anyways, here's the next chapter – happy reading!**

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Chapter 22

The days before our final Introduction to British Culture exam were hectic. I hardly slept; I spent nights memorizing lines for the identification section. I dreaded that part the most. I thought I'd be able to write two essays; Stephen had got me well prepared for that, thankfully. But those identifications… how come everything always sounded just the same when you needed to learn the difference between them? Edward helped me with it as much as he could, but I felt bad to take all his time when he had a bigger exam the day after mine. So I called Jamie and asked them if they wanted to study together.

Alexia and Jamie shared a tiny apartment at the dorms. Their living-room was as big as the adjoined bathroom in our bedroom. Somehow we managed to sit comfortably enough and find enough space for all our books and notes. We had pizza and ice-cream, and we made sure we had enough coffee to get through the night. After we reviewed the material for the exam again, we got to the real work.

"Okay, next line… Jamie. 'Even a queen/ outstanding in beauty must not overstep like that/ A queen should weave peace, not punish the innocent/ with loss of life for imagined insults'."

Jamie groaned. "It's not _The Faery Queene_, is it?"

"Nope, not _The_ _Faery Queen_e. It's not the Wife of Bath either."

"Damn."

"Bella?"

"I think it's _Beowulf_," I said thoughtfully. I'd gone through the entire poem with Edward two nights ago, and I was pretty sure I remembered him citing something like that at some point of that endless night.

Jamie hit her forehead with her palm. "Of course it's _Beowulf_. Ugh. The identifications section is going to be hell."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Alexia said through a yawn. It was nearing 2AM and we weren't even close to finish. "Bella, ask me one."

"Hmm…" I leafed through my notes, trying not to find a really tough one yet not to make the line too obvious. "'And theron heng a broche of gold ful shene/ On which ther was first write a crowned A/ After that, _Amor vincit omnia_'."

"Oh please," Alexia snorted. "That's the prologue for _The Canterbury Tales_."

"It's the description of the Prioress' brooch," added Jamie.

"You guys are too good," I said, wrinkling my nose. I wish I could identify it as easily. But I did have fewer problems with Chaucer these days, thanks to Stephen.

We spent about two more hours that way. At some point we just turned it into a game. Alexia won, obviously. She could read a text once and remember it as if she went through it multiple times. I envied that talent of hers. I thought that after hours of throwing quotes at one another, I knew most of them, too. When I drove back home, the lines were still whirling through my head. I hoped they'd stay there for at least 24 more hours so I could pass that part of the exam. It was good that I had that to distract me while I was driving Edward's car. I was beyond nervous when I had to take the Volvo tonight. I hardly ever drove it, and I was scared out of my wits to damage it, for he kept it in perfect condition. But it was the best solution I could come up with. I didn't want Edward to take me to the girls' apartment, then have to pick me up when we were done. Sure, it wasn't a problem since he didn't sleep, but I didn't know when we were going to be finished and he had his own exams to study for.

Dawn was nearly breaking when I killed the engine. I stared at the sky in disbelief. I was hardly ever awake and outside at this time of night – or day. The street was quiet; the normal people were all sleeping. I locked the door behind me. The bottom floor was deserted. I made my way upstairs – cursing the creaking stair as I stepped on it – and into the study. He turned in the swivel chair as soon as he heard me. He looked weary, but he still smiled at me.

"Long night?"

"The longest," I yawned. I couldn't believe how tired I was. My entire body ached with exhaustion. I was definitely going to skip today's class, I told myself. I wouldn't miss anything important; it was all sum-ups anyway. "I don't know how you manage to keep up with no sleeping."

He laughed softly as he walked towards me. "You get used to it."

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you?"

"Well yes, at some point," he replied, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I gratefully leaned against him. I was dead on my feet. "Come on, Love. Let's get you to bed."

xoxox

And eventually, despite my massive lack of sleep, despite my crumpling self-confidence, despite the fact that by the morning of the exam I was so confused that I thought the Wife of Bath was Grendel's mother, I thought I did rather well. Alexia, Jamie and I sat in the same row, and we all smiled nervously to one another as they passed around the sheets. Lara, two rows behind us, met my eyes and smiled carefully. She still couldn't get over the fact I was married to Edward. Looking around me, it was like that first week in Forks high-school. I could now recognize, if not name, most of the faces around me. It felt nice and familiar. I _could_ stand another year of this, couldn't I?

When I finally finished the exam, I hurried down the hall. I just wanted to stay away of that room and not see anyone until the next term. I was always like that after exams. I didn't like it when people started comparing their answers. For me, it made things even worse. I was just so relieved to get it over with.

"Bella!" I turned. Stephen was gaining closer. I stopped and waited until he caught up with me. "Well, how did you do?"

"I think I did okay," I smiled carefully.

"I'm sure you did," he returned my smile. "Do you have any more exams left?"

"No, that was the last one."

"And now?"

"Well, if I could spend the entire week sleeping, that could have been nice."

He laughed. "No, I meant now. Where are you headed?"

"I think I'll just head home." I toyed with the idea of going shopping, do anything that wasn't school-related, but all I really wanted was to spend the rest of the day in front of the TV.

"Do you need a ride? I have my car here, and it looks like it's snowing again."

"Don't you have to go back there?" I nodded towards the hall, where the exam still took place, although I was tempted. I hated the thought of walking back in the snow.

"I think they wouldn't mind me missing out for 10 minutes," he said, urging me forward.

It was a quiet drive, with me giving him directions as we left the campus' grounds. He had an old car, one which would have made Edward burst out laughing, I knew, but I liked it. It was just my type of car. It surely wasn't as intimidating as my "before" car. Thank goodness no one forced me to bring it along to college.

"What's so funny?" he asked all of a sudden.

I blinked. "Oh, nothing. Your taste in cars is different than my husband's. I thought about his reaction when he saw your car."

"He wouldn't approve?"

I laughed, thinking fondly of my deceased Chevi. "That's an understatement."

We just drove into our street. He brought the car to a stop in front of our house, and I laughed at his sharp intake of breath as he noticed Edward's Volvo in the driveway. "You weren't joking," he managed, looking awed.

"Not even a bit," I said, unfastening my seatbelt. "Thanks for the ride, Stephen."

"Are you doing anything special for Christmas?"

"We're heading home for a few days this weekend."

"Oh. Well have fun, and get some rest, you deserve it."

"I plan to," I said, opening the door. "Thanks for everything."

"My pleasure," he said. I couldn't quite understand the shadow in his eyes, but I didn't want to ponder over it. One Mike-alike was more than enough. "Merry Christmas, Bella."

"Merry Christmas. See you in the next term," I said as I stepped out of the car.

I didn't need to turn in order to know he was watching me until I was safely inside.

xoxox

Edward had his own last exam the day afterwards. As exhausted as I was, I couldn't go back to sleep after he left. I tried, twisting and turning in bed until I threw the comforter off me with a frustrated sigh. I decided to take a bath. We hardly used it since we had moved in here; it wasn't as fun as it had been on the island. It wouldn't be as fun now, with Edward gone, but it would help me to relax, I told myself as I hauled myself towards the bathroom at the other end of the hall. The warm water wrapped around me like a blanket. I lay back and closed my eyes, determined to think of nothing at all.

When I next opened my eyes, I was confused. I couldn't remember how I got there. I blinked and looked around, disoriented. The water had grown colder, and I shivered. I didn't even know what time it was, at which point I'd fallen asleep, or how long I'd spent there. It was quiet. Edward wasn't home yet, so I knew I couldn't have slept long. I thought I heard the stair creak when I dried off and got dressed, but there was no other noise except for it so I dismissed it. I wanted him back home so badly that I was hearing things, I laughed at myself. His reaction to what I'd told him before he left crossed my mind, and I smiled. He looked… amazed, as if he wasn't expecting me to say what I had. As a matter of fact I was pretty amazed with myself, with my confidence about this decision. I wanted to stay here, at least for the time being. It felt right. And it made him so happy, so how could it be wrong?

I walked into our bedroom where I made the bed, and ran a comb through my hair. Once I was a little more presentable, I went downstairs. I wanted to call Jamie and Alexia and check if they'd come to town with me, but the weather looked so grim that all I really felt like doing was cuddling in front of the TV. Determined to follow this plan, I turned the TV on and then called Renée, but the answering machine picked up and I left her a short message. I wondered if she and Phil were on their way to Mexico already. When I hung up I dialed the number at the Forks police station as I headed for the kitchen. Luckily, it was Charlie who picked up.

"Hi Dad, it's me."

"Hey, Bells! What a surprise! How are you, honey?"

"I'm good. I had my last exam yesterday so I'm finally free," I said, opening the fridge. I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten properly for a few days now.

"How did it go?"

"Okay, I think. How are you?"

"Oh, you know. The usual mess around Christmas time."

It was their most hectic time at work. "Don't work too hard, Dad."

"I'll try," he laughed. "Do you have plans for Christmas?"

I smiled, thinking of the suitcases upstairs, in various stages of packing. "I think we'll just stay here and catch up on some sleep."

"Oh. Well have fun."

He sounded so disappointed my heart broke. I almost caved and told him we were coming. But then I stopped myself. It would be worth it when I'd see his face once we got there. "Anyway, I just called to say hi and ask how you – "

Several things happened at the same time then. Behind me, the wooden floor creaked. The phone was knocked out of my hand and I heard Charlie call my name just as a rag was shoved into my mouth, choking my gasp. I thought I saw Stephen's eyes before my head hit the floor. And then darkness overtook me.


	23. Chapter 23 Edward

**A/N: hey everyone, here's another one! don't forget to review :)**

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**Chapter 23**

I wasn't running fast enough. The short distance home suddenly felt like eternity. More than anything I wanted to stop, to call Alice and make her explain everything, but I couldn't stop, not even for a moment. I didn't even get the message on time. As far as I knew, I was too late as it was. I put more energy in running than ever before as I let my body shoot forward. There was no exhilaration attached to it, just horrible dread of what I was going to find at home.

I tore the front door open – the hinges all but groaned at the suddenness of the motion – and hurried inside. "Bella?" I wasn't used to being afraid, and the quiver in my voice caught me off-guard. She didn't answer. "Love, are you here?"

Silence met my question. I could hear the muffled sounds of an old cartoon in the background. Perhaps she fell asleep in front of the TV and Alice was wrong. She had been wrong before. I swore to myself that if that was the case, I wouldn't resent her.

But Alice wasn't wrong this time. I knew that as soon as I entered the kitchen. The cordless phone was on the floor. I stared at it for a moment, unsure what to make of it. I crossed the kitchen in one stride and picked it up. It made this jiggling sound, as if it there was a broken piece inside of it. I held it to my ear, just to make sure; the line was dead. I figured someone had thrown it against the wooden floor with enough force to break it.

Placing the phone absentmindedly on the counter, I reached for my pocket, took out my cell-phone, and hit the speed dial.

"Cullen residence."

"Rose, put Carlisle on the phone," I ordered brusquely. I couldn't afford spending time on pleasantries. But Rosalie didn't seem to mind. I guessed they had expected my call. Her tone was grave yet urgent as she did as I asked.

And then Carlisle was there. "Edward. Thank goodness – "

"What is going on?" I cut him off.

"We hoped you could tell us. Is Bella – "

"Bella is not here. The phone was off the hook."

He sighed, as if I had just confirmed a thought he had. "This is not good," he murmured.

I thought it was despair in his tone. I wished I could see his face to confirm my suspicion. "What did Alice see?"

"Nothing at first. She's in the other room, trying to make sense of it as we speak. She couldn't see anything clearly until they decided to make a move."

I tensed. "They?"

"The Volturi," Carlisle gravely replied. "We think they sent someone to get Bella."

The phone suddenly felt as heavy as steel. I grabbed it tighter as I stood there, rooted to place, trying to make sense of what Carlisle was trying to tell me. They were back in our lives, sooner than I had thought was possible. They came for Bella, and she was still a vulnerability. They didn't grant second changes. They came to set things right. But no. That was impossible; it couldn't be them. They wouldn't, not so fast, Alice would have seen –

I closed my eyes, forcing myself to calm down. Panic wouldn't help Bella now, if Carlisle's suspicions were correct. Once I was more composed, I opened my eyes and sniffed around the room. Bella's scent was all over the place, but now that I let my instincts sharpen there was something else… a scent I didn't recognize, and another scent, a chemical of some sort. "Whoever was here was human, Carlisle," I said, struggling to remain calm.

"I think they got a human to do it. Alice saw someone – a human. You know how she's not as easily attuned to humans as she is to our kind, especially if he appeared harmless. This is why she couldn't know sooner. They planned this very carefully. They only contacted him when necessary. They trusted his judgment and let him decide when to execute the final move, using this trust as a diversion, all because they are familiar with Alice's power and with the way it works. We think they tracked you to Dartmouth and then contacted someone there, someone who was in close proximity with Bella. A teacher or a classmate."

A classmate… Ethan? I remembered how he always seemed to be around her, his obsessive thoughts about her, his constant resentment to me. In a way, I guessed, he _was_ harmless, the perfect decoy. And there was probably no reason for Alice to see anything suspicious. He wasn't the first to show interest in Bella; he wouldn't be the last. But that didn't make sense either, if it were Ethan. _I_ had access to his thoughts. If he had anything to do with the Volturi… "I would have known, Carlisle, I would have heard if – "

"Unless it was someone who made sure to stay well out of your way," Carlisle said softly. "Look, leave it to us to solve this puzzle. We don't know how much time you have, but you must move, and you must move now. I don't think they'll delay things, once they have her."

The meaning of his words quickly sank in. I growled. "They won't touch her."

"You can't know that, Edward. If Aro wants her changed, he'll get what he wants. You have to get there before it's too late."

"Charlie – " I said, suddenly filled with anxiety for my father-in-law. He didn't even know we'd planned to come over, and now who knew if he would ever see his daughter again.

"I've already spoken to Charlie," Carlisle said then, and it caught me off-guard. Before I had a chance to question it, he continued. "Apparently he was on the phone to Bella before…" his voice trailed off as if he didn't want to have to say the words to me. I glanced at the broken phone on the counter. "The conversation was cut off, so he called here to ask if we knew anything. He caught me by surprise so I had to improvise; I told him I'd tried to reach you earlier and that there was a problem with the phone lines in your area because of a bad storm. I also told him you were coming over for Christmas. I thought we could use this… later."

I froze. I knew exactly which 'later' he was referring to. Would they make up a story about a car accident? It was easy to fabricate, and more than likely around Christmas time. The roads were slippery and human drivers were impatient. This was never a good combination.

Carlisle interpreted my silence as hesitation, and his voice got slightly impatient then. "We'll handle Charlie, Edward. Just go. Leave your car at the airport and contact us as soon as you do. Emmett and Jasper are on their way."

I mumbled my agreement, but already my mind was elsewhere, planning. More than anything, I hoped I wasn't too late. Once I hung up, I turned the TV off and hurried upstairs, where I hastily packed a small backpack, trying very hard not to think when I packed a change of clothes for Bella as well. Then I snatched my car keys and stormed out of the house without looking back. I couldn't shake off the memory of her first reaction when she saw the house, when she realized it was ours… the way she'd thrown her arms around me was still painfully clear in my mind. I would bring her back here, I promised myself. The cruel coincidence had just dawned on me. Only this morning she told me she wanted to stay here longer, to stay human. We'd made plans. Christmas at home, summer on the island, and now…

I drove almost blindly, accelerating the moment I got to the highway. I reached 200 in no time. Thankfully, the roads were not yet packed, but it felt as if everyone was driving slower on purpose. Since when were human drivers so careful on the road? I zigzagged between them impatiently. I reached for my cell-phone and called our usual airlines, hoping to save time, but the line was occupied. Damn human holidays, I cursed, and stomped the gas pedal just a little more.

As Carlisle instructed, I left my car in the airport parking lot. There was this involuntary pang of sorrow within me as I did. I loved that car, and it had served me well. Unfortunately there was no time to mourn. This was just a minor loss, I reminded myself; one that could be easily replaced. As I hurried into the airport in a frustrating human pace, I called Alice, and her voice was strained as she told me Emmett and Jasper were already on a flight from Seattle. She still couldn't see Bella, she said; she figured it was because she wasn't in Italy yet. She kept tabs on Aro now, but he was still waiting. He wouldn't do it right away, she thought. They hoped I would follow, and they meant to use Bella as bait to try and convince me to join forces with them. This plan made me furious, but at lease it would leave us some time. If joining forces with them was the only way out, at least I could make sure to keep Bella out of it.

When I hung up, I was by no means more reassured about the situation, but I was somewhat more optimistic. If Bella wasn't there yet, then there was the slightest chance I wasn't too late. I hurried to the first airline booth my eyes spotted, and flashed a brilliant smile at the receptionist. It was a tough thing to do when the panic was rising within me, increasing by the second. "Excuse me, I need a one way ticket to Florence, please."

_Oh my, he's quite gorgeous. What was he asking again? Oh. Florence. Right._ "Umm… let me see when the next flight is." She typed something and checked her computer screen, and I tried very hard not to focus on her lustful thoughts as I waited. "I'm sorry, sir, the only flight for Florence leaves tomorrow morning, but it seems to be full. Christmas and all that, you know. I could put you on a flight to Milan that leaves at noon tomorrow, and find you a connection to Florence."

I shook my head. If I was going to wait until the next day – far too long as it was – I couldn't go through Milan, which was miles farther than Volterra. Time was a luxury I couldn't afford. "Could you double-check the one for Florence? I understand it's Christmas time, but surely there is something you could do." What was Bella's term? Dazzling? I sure hoped it would work now.

_Ugh, too cute. Does he realize how beautiful his smile is? All I want for Christmas…_ "Hmm, I think there might be a few vacant seats on Business."

"Great, I'll take one," I said, handing her a thick packet of bills.

_In cash? Oh wow. Ah, _crap_, is that a wedding band? Damn, I knew he was too good to be true._ "Erm, sure, just a moment, please."

Her hand shook as she took the money from me. It took her a moment longer to print out the boarding pass. I all but snatched it from her, not forgetting to flash a grateful smile at her as I wished her Merry Christmas. I was off before I heard her reply.

xoxox

It was a long, excruciating night, but eventually, at sunrise, a female voice announced the beginning of boarding. I was the first to step into the plane, anxious and weary. I hardly heard the flight attendant as she glanced at my boarding pass and wished me a pleasant flight. I tried to calm down as the plane finally took off. Panic would help in nothing, I told myself over and over again. The last thing I wanted to think about was what was expecting me once I got there.

And it was all too familiar. It reminded me of that other time, when we had gone after her to Phoenix. Now it felt like ages ago, and the danger seemed bigger somehow. I remembered Aro's fervent eyes on her on our first and last visit to their chambers, his eagerness to change her right there and then, to keep her, his curiosity to see how she turned out. I remembered my own fury. At least Jane couldn't hurt her, I thought, relief surging through me. And then it soon ceased when I realized that Felix and Demetri could.

I shook my head. I couldn't spend the entire flight thinking about it or I would go mad. Instead, I decided to try and make sense of what I had known so far. The Volturi had tracked us to Dartmouth – I guessed it was an easy thing to do; they were able to locate anyone, anywhere, if they so wished. Then, I figured, they had used someone at the English Department to keep an eye on Bella, but who? I thought I knew most of her classmates by now, and it couldn't be any of them. Also, it didn't seem plausible as far as the Volturi were concerned, to choose a teenager to do the job. No, it had to be someone older, someone she trusted, who had something to gain from such cooperation. Could it possibly be a teacher there?

I knew exactly what I was supposed to do once I landed. Get to the parking lot. Steal a car. Drive. I would be in Volterra in a few hours, hopefully by nighttime. It was a chilling routine. I remembered the last time I'd done it, when I was sure I'd lost her forever. Would I lose her now?

I refused to ponder over that question. I pulled the headphones on and quickly found the classical music channel. _Clair de Lune_ was playing. I chuckled bitterly at the cruel coincidence. I resisted the temptation of pulling the headphones off. Instead, I sank back in my seat, closed my eyes, and tried to let the music surround me.

Then her face filled my mind; her huge chocolate eyes and the way they glimmered only this morning, her hair and how soft it felt between my fingers, her blush, her scent. The last memory I'd had from her burnt like fire. I couldn't hold back the wistful sigh that escaped me. The day suddenly felt incredibly long. I had promised I'd see her in a little while before I left the house that morning. I hoped I could still keep my promise.


	24. Chapter 24 Bella

**A/N: the good news - speedy update! The bad news? There's only one more chapter (and an epilogue) after this one. Next update at some point of the weekend, so stay tuned. This one came out shorter than I intended, but it's my favorite chapter in the whole story, so I hope you'll like it. You guys have been amazing with reviews so far - _please_ keep them up :)**

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**Chapter 24**

For the longest time, there was nothing but the darkness.

Then slowly, gradually, shadows began to form, and sounds resonated around me as I slowly regained consciousness. Opening my eyes was painful; my eyelids felt heavy. I felt sore all over, and disoriented. My forehead felt damp with sweat, almost as if I had a fever, and yet I was shivering with chills. The floor was cold – ancient stone, not the warm wood of our kitchen. Had I fainted? I couldn't remember which day it was, or what time. I blinked, trying to make out my surrounding within the shadows. The small room was bare, with a small window out of my reach, through which soft moonlight was streaming in. The walls were made of the same stone as the floor. What was this place? Why wasn't I home? The last thing I remembered was talking to my dad before –

I held back a shriek and sat up – when did I even lie down? – leaning against the wall. My mind was fuzzy, but it was coming back to me now, in bits and pieces. Edward had his last exam… I told him I wanted to stay… Someone was in the house when I called my dad and then…

I pressed my knees against my chest, trying to keep the cold away. It didn't help. I was still shivering, but whether it was from the cold or fear, I didn't know. The clearer the memory became, the less sense in made to me. Why was Stephen in my house? I thought he was one of the good guys. I remembered that look in his eyes when he'd driven me home after my exam, his expression wistful, almost sorrowful. Was _he_ the real danger all along, and not Ethan? How could I be so unobservant? And what was he going to do to me now that he had me…?

Something felt damp against my cheek. The moment I realized I was crying, I wiped the tears angrily with my sleeve. Crying would not get me out of this place. I had to think of a way out of here, wherever 'here' was. I had to get help, to contact Edward somehow and let him know I was –

Steps echoed down a distant hall. I pressed my knees tighter to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, as if I could shrink into myself and disappear. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would burst. The steps grew closer, until eventually they were right outside the heavy wooden door. There was a clang of keys, and then the door screeched open.

"Let's go," someone growled at me, and I realized to my horror I knew that voice. But it couldn't be – it was impossible – I couldn't be in – The hooded figure stepped into the room; I held back a gasp. "I said, let's _go_."

I stood up instantly, fighting sudden dizziness with all my might. I could _not_ pass out now. Then, although my legs still felt shaky beneath me, I silently followed the hooded figure out.

And then it was just like my dream; the dark, never-ending maze of corridors, the coldness that seemed to be sipping straight through the walls. I was having hard time keeping up with Demetri, who was leading the way. I stumbled a lot, but he didn't seem to notice. He seemed frustrated he had to progress in a human pace as it was. I was grateful he was leading the way; I knew I could have been in even greater danger if he was following me, where I couldn't see him if he attacked.

I tried very hard not to think, not to panic. I didn't have Edward and Alice to protect me now. I was the only human in a roomful of murderous vampires that, for all I knew, had kept me for who knew how long as their prize pig. Wherever Demetri was leading me to, I had to be ready. I had to prepare myself to the possibility – which began to seem like a certainty with each passing moment – of my death.

I had my share in near-death experience with vampires, but I had never been more terrified, more paralyzed in fear, than I was at the moment. Not with James at the ballet studio, not with Laurent in the meadow, not even when Victoria came back for me less than a year ago. I had a vague idea as for why the Volturi would want me here. Somehow, they discovered of our plan to stay longer in college, which entailed leaving me human. From some reason, they were getting impatient. It would be years before they remembered our existence, Edward had told me. He wouldn't let them hurt me; I would be just like him by the time they came back, he promised as he tried to comfort me after my nightmare, and I believed him because he knew who they were and what they were capable of. And now here I was, literally walking towards my death, and he wasn't here to protect me.

My thoughts wandered involuntarily to those I had left behind, the ones I'd said my goodbyes to, and the ones I'd never gotten a chance to. It was somewhat comforting to know that Jake would be okay, now that he had someone. At least we said goodbye as friends, and he wasn't resentful. I didn't even know how the exam went for Alexia and Jamie – I meant to call and ask them but I never did. Would they be very upset with me if I just disappeared without a trace? Would they be mad or feel betrayed? Would they just forget me after a while and find someone else to hang out with? Thinking of my parents brought fresh tears to my eyes. I hoped Charlie wasn't overly panicked by the abrupt ending of our conversation. I didn't even have a chance to speak to my mom, my best friend…

And Edward. Just thinking his name was like a blow to my stomach. I sniffed when more tears came, trying to be conspicuous about it, frightened of Demetri's reaction. Was this morning – two days ago – whatever day _was_ today – the last time I had seen him? I knew I would probably not live for very long, but the thought of even this short period without him was painful, unbearable. I couldn't be taken away from him so abruptly. I needed one more chance to see his face, to be held by him, to feel his lips against mine, to hear his voice. I had lost him once and it killed me. There was no way I could possibly live through this again.

And then I realized no one expected me to.

Ahead of me, Demetri opened a huge wooden door, and ordered me in with a nod. I quickly followed, looking briefly over my shoulder as I passed him. He didn't mind me; he was busy bolting the door behind us. I slowly took in my new surroundings. This room was bigger, round and brightly lit, but it was still cold. I shivered once. Jeans and a thin cardigan weren't enough for the December chill. And sure enough, there they were, still as statues, pale as death.

"Dearest Bella, how wonderful of you to finally join us," said Aro, gracefully gliding towards me, his voice silk, his eyes ruby red, leering at me as if I was a distant relative. "I trust you are well?"

I swallowed my fear and forced myself to straighten up and get my shivering under control. I wiped the remains of my tears with my sleeve. Then I nodded once.

"Very well. You remember my companions," he said, nodding towards Caius and Marcus, both standing sour-faced a small distance away. They looked at him as if he was mad – mad for keeping me alive up until now? I noticed to my relief that the others weren't around. It was just the four of us, and Demetri who kept close watch by the door.

"I take it you're wondering how you got here. I wasn't planning on giving the order so soon – it's so nice here on summertime, I thought you might enjoy it – but then it came to our ears you were doing so well in college, that you wanted to stay another year."

I stood there, paralyzed with terror. It came to their ears… through Stephen? He was the only one I discussed my future plans with. Was he their eyes and ears in Dartmouth all along, and I – with my stupidity – played straight into his hands? Was he like Gianna, the pretty human they kept as a receptionist? Did they offer him immortality as a reward for his service? A promotion at Dartmouth? Or maybe just a bigger office?

"You see, Bella, I have a bit of a problem here. When we let you go on your last visit, I distinctly recall a certain promise, by young Edward, to make you one of us. And yet here you stand, smelling more deliciously than ever, and still human. And I honestly do not know what to make of it." He was circling me now, slowly, a predator inspecting his prey. His voice was velvet, soft yet calculated. My raspy breathing sounded so loud comparing with his low voice. "Am I to assume Edward was breaking his promise? Or perhaps he was lying. Perhaps he had never intended to make you immortal. But that makes little sense as well. Alice's vision was extremely clear." He was standing closer to me now. I held back a shriek. My body stiffened with fear. He smiled at me pleasantly. "No need to be afraid, my dear. I'm merely curious. Marcus," he said without taking his eyes off me.

Marcus was by our side in an instant. He barely paid attention to me as he touched Aro's palm, out of duty more than out of real interest, it seemed. Then, just as fast, he drifted farther away. Aro blinked, and brought his eyes to mine again. Now he looked awed. "Fascinating," he said, and reached for my hand. I didn't see it coming. I tried to flinch away, but I knew it was futile. His rough skin brushed mine as he held my hand very gently, inspecting my wedding ring. I thought I had an idea as for what Marcus had sensed. "Young Edward is extremely… _innovative_, I would say. Keeping you human… for this."

Don't blush, I told myself furiously. It would only make things worse. He was dangerous enough – _thirsty_ enough – as it was. "He didn't."

I didn't realize I spoke the words until he blinked. "I beg your pardon, dear?"

"It was me – all me – he didn't want to keep me human – he wanted to change me after the wedding – I insisted. He didn't want to go to college – it was my idea all along." The words stormed out before I realized what I was saying. My voice was thin, trembling with alarm. They could have me if they wanted, but I meant to do all in my power to keep Edward out of this. I owed him that much.

Aro's eyes were pleasant, but his smile was cryptic. I couldn't tell if he was taking me seriously. "Is that so?" he asked, and there was mild curiosity in his voice. "But surely Edward was able to see _some_ advantages in keeping you human, or he wouldn't have listened to you." I looked away at the suggestiveness in his voice. He interpreted it as confirmation, and laughed once. "So tell me, dear, how is it like… with a vampire?"

He brushed his finger along my jaw. The touch gave me chills. I closed my eyes, mentally bracing myself. If I was going to die in the next second or in the next minute, I didn't want to watch when he pressed his lips against my throat. And I _was_ going to die. He didn't mean to change me; something in the way he touched me told me as much. If my blood was appealing to him as it had been to Edward, he wouldn't try and resist it.

But he didn't move, as if he was awaiting my reply. I couldn't speak; I couldn't do anything. I tried to focus on Edward's face, perfect and still in my mind. All this time, I wanted him to be the one who changed me, and now who knew if I'd live to see him again.

"So… alive…" Aro whispered, trailing his finger down my throat. I flinched, but didn't dare to open my eyes. My pulse was pounding violently beneath his touch. His cool breath replaced his finger then and I knew it meant he was even closer now. I whimpered. I couldn't help it. I had never been more terrified in my life. "Fear not, sweet Bella," he murmured, and I could feel his lips fluttering against my throat. "I promise you won't feel a thing."

My throat felt thick with tears. This was not how it was supposed to happen. He shouldn't be the one – no – not him – Edward – "Don't – "

"Get your hands off her."


	25. Chapter 25 Edward

**A/N: here it is, everyone – the last chapter. I'm not saying goodbyes and thankyous just yet, because there's still the epilogue, so make sure to check back in a few days. Happy reading, y'all. Final reviews will be lovely :) **

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Chapter 25

The screech of the tires of my stolen car pierced the chilling silence of Volterra. An hour or so after midnight, it looked like a ghost town. The square was deserted, except for a few stray cats that cast suspicious looks at me before they went on their way. I left the car in an alley and was on the other side of the square in a matter of seconds. I walked towards what I knew was the front office. It was closed, naturally. I didn't want to make my presence known before I had to, so I decided not to break in that way. I circled the building and tried to block the memories from the last time I was there as I made a run for that same alley I had walked past with Alice and Bella. I found the entrance easily now – their scent was all over the place – and slipped in.

I didn't know how much time I had before someone noticed I was there, so I ran even faster than I had usually done. I knew my way rather well from the time I'd spent underground the previous year. The building seemed deserted. Nighttime was usually when the Volturi found their victims. I hoped this was the case tonight as well. The less of them I had to fight off, the better. As I got closer to my destination, I could hear Aro. His voice was faint, nearly a whisper, but it grew stronger as I drew closer. I froze briefly when he mentioned my name. For a moment, I was hopeful. Was he speaking to her? Was she in there with him?

Was she still human…?

And then, just when I was pondering that, when I was merely seconds from the main hall, her scent hit me full-force, nearly knocking me over, its sweetness overwhelming. Still human. I breathed a sigh of relief as I took it in, slowing my pace. I was there on time.

The only obstacle was leaning against the heavy door. I caught Felix's scent in an instant. Unfortunately, at the very same moment, he caught mine. I was certain that he couldn't see me yet – I was well concealed within the thick shadows – but his head whipped in my direction, and he snarled in what sounded like warning. The door opened and closed in impossible speed, and suddenly it wasn't just Felix in front of me. Demetri growled at me as I walked into the dim light.

"Let me through, and no one will get hurt."

"I'm afraid we cannot allow anyone _not_ getting hurt, for it will ruin the master's plans," said Demetri, and there was this vicious glint in his eyes. "But you may come in. The master is expecting you. I daresay you're here just on time. As much as I would love to finish you off myself, it could be far more entertaining to leave you to the master." He nodded to Felix and moved out of my way.

I hesitated. Aro was expecting me, but did I want to make my presence known, or did I want to surprise him? But then Bella made the choice for me. From the other side of the door, she whimpered, and it was as if the world stopped. It was too short a sound to make sense of, and so I couldn't decide if it was pain or distress that had caused it, but it didn't really matter. I tore the door open, and the sight inside would have made me nauseated, if that was possible.

She was alive, but not for long, by the looks of it. Aro was hovering over her, his venom-coated teeth inches from her throat. Marcus and Caius were watching him from a distance; both their heads snapped up at my entrance. Bella didn't notice me. She seemed as if she was under some kind of a trance. Her eyes were shut tightly and she was trembling – I could tell as much even from a distance – and deadly pale. Aro remained unaware of my presence as well. Being in close proximity with her, his thoughts were a blur. _So… sweet… desirable… mouthwatering… how could anyone resist this… _why_ would anyone want –_

"Get your hands off her," I snarled. Aro staggered slightly backwards, like a drunk being forced away from his wine. I didn't give him time to collect himself. In the next second I was standing between them, blocking his access to her. Bella gasped, and for a moment it seemed as if her legs would give way. I reacted fast; she nearly hit the marble floor when I caught her. Her face, still white as death, was damp with sweat and tears, but those hardly bothered me now. She was alive, and well, and _human_. Nothing else mattered.

Apparently Aro was not so disappointed by the way the way things had turned out. "Edward! I honestly thought you wouldn't be able to make it, such luck! Too bad that Alec and Jane could not be here to welcome you, though."

I didn't mind him. I knelt on the floor with Bella still in my arms. I sat her down but kept supporting her, cradling her against my chest. She didn't faint, but she was still breathing heavily, staring at me as if she wasn't sure I was really there. I didn't know if she had entirely grasped the events of the last 24 hours or so. I was fairly certain she hadn't. She looked as if she had gotten into shock. "You're alright, Love," I murmured as I ran a hand across her forehead. I didn't take my eyes off her until her gaze seemed more alert, slowly focusing on mine.

_Fascinating. It is almost as if her scent has no effect on him at all_.

As I slowly became aware of Aro's thoughts, I looked up at him. He was watching us curiously. "You two are an unusual pair," he said, his voice sickeningly pleasant. "But as you know, a promise is a promise. And you don't seem to have kept yours."

"Edward, don't – " Bella started, clinging to my arm.

"Shh… I can handle it," I hushed her, and looked up at Aro again. "I meant to keep my promise. I didn't realize there was a deadline."

"The longer she remains human, the more dangerous it is, for us. Surely you are well-aware of that."

"Whether she remains human or not has nothing to do with your safety," I hissed.

"It has everything to do with our safety, with our secrets. The fact that you had made her your wife makes little difference. As long as she's human, she's still a vulnerability. I do have to say I'm quite impressed by – how shall I put it – the intensity of your relationship. Impressed may not be the right word, I'm … _intrigued_. May I?"

I raised my hand automatically, knowing he didn't really ask my permission. His train of thought had warned me as for what he was after, and I closed my eyes with dread as he concentrated on my own thoughts, my memories. Not a moment later, he slowly let go of my hand. He stared at me wide-eyed, and then his gaze shifted to Bella. He shook his head with wonder. "I heard it was possible, of course, but I would never have thought…"

The mental image couldn't have been clearer, completing the contemplative note with which his voice trailed off. I saw what he saw, that first night on the island, and all the nights that followed. Every touch, every kiss, every caress… giving in to her in our new home… lazy Sunday mornings… hasty kisses in the hallways… our last kiss before I left…

But more than being embarrassed about every intimate detail of our relationship being laid out so easily within the reach of a perfect stranger, I was furious. "Get to the point, Aro," I snarled.

"I'll make you a deal, Edward," he said then, motioning me to stand up. I glanced at Bella. She nodded, and I supported her as we both stood up. I wrapped one arm around her. She was clinging to my side, still shivering. I held her tighter. "I'll let you bide time for her if you so wish. You will not change her for the time being, under one condition."

He didn't even have to utter the words. The image was clear enough in his mind. I saw myself in one of their dark flapping robes, standing by his side, my eyes deep crimson. To him, I looked dignified, honorable. I would make my father proud. It was my natural place, where my talents would be appreciated and serviceable. To me, it was exactly the monster I had resented for decades. The one who went against each and every value I had struggled to maintain for the past 90-odd years. "_No_."

Bella pressed herself against me even more and her heartbeat quickened, as if she guessed Aro's condition. Her eyes were wide as they met mine, reflecting my own dread at his offer. Her reaction did not go not amiss by him. "You are quite the martyr, aren't you, my dear?" he asked, directly addressing her. I was revolted by his familiarity. It was almost as if he felt himself her grandfather. "Willing to sacrifice your own mortality as long as he gets to maintain an aspect of his? That hardly seems fair. I thought you liked being human."

That statement confused me. Something in his tone made me uneasy. What did she say to him, when did she get a chance to? I glanced at Bella, and then back at him. I saw her in his mind, feebly trying to protect me. _It was me – all me – he didn't want to keep me human – he wanted to change me after the wedding – I insisted…_

I groaned inwardly. There it was again, that natural gift of hers, the tendency to attract chaos wherever she went. Did she not realize what could have been the consequences of such a statement? Did she not realize he could have killed her for just saying that? What was she thinking, defending _me_?

Oblivious to my distress, Aro continued speaking. "Or, you are free to go. Free from this very moment. After you change her, of course."

I tried to focus on my breathing in order to control my growing rage. "And what if I don't change her?"

"Then I will be happy to be of service," he said, smiling brightly, revealing his teeth. I shuddered at the memory of what I had walked in on, and his uninhibited thoughts when I had. Bella's eyes were wide with terror, as if the same memory had crossed her mind again. "I think you will both agree that it is best if you do the honor. If going free is what you choose, then you are going to change her, here, where we can make sure that it is done."

I looked down at Bella. Clearly, it had to be her choice. But the terms were unfair. I didn't want her to feel obliged to choose immortality just so I wouldn't have to become a part of Aro's coven. I kept my gaze intent on hers. It was solely her decision, and I wondered what I wanted her to choose. I disliked both alternatives equally. I couldn't decide which one was slightly better.

And then she shook her head ever so slightly, and the answer was clear from her stare. She'd made her choice. I didn't take my eyes off her when I next spoke. "Alright. I _will_ change her. But no witnesses. You can keep watch at the door if you wish, but I will not do it unless we're alone." Privacy was the very least I owed her.

He considered it. "I guess it can be arranged. We provide special accommodation for overnight guests." I got a gruesome glimpse to his mind then, of victims that had occupied those many rooms, some willingly, some by force. "Felix will escort you there. I will come back for you in three days time. Go on, now. It was a pleasure to have you here again. I expect to see you again very soon."

I helped Bella out, holding her as close as I could. She still looked shaken. More than anything, I wanted to speak to her, calm her down, promise that everything would be alright, but I couldn't. Felix was keeping close watch as he led the way. I knew he would be listening, even if he had pretended not to. We followed him in silence.

He opened a door and ordered us in. The second the door closed behind us, she collapsed against me, crying silently. It was as if she had waited for us to be alone so she could fall apart. "I was so afraid I was never going to see you again," she whispered brokenly, her head buried in my chest. I leaned my chin against the top of her head and just held her until her crying ceased.

All of a sudden, I was terrified. It was always a settled fact I would be the one to change her, but now when I was about to, I wasn't sure I'd know how. I was suddenly filled with sympathy for Rose, and what she had to endure the night she had found Emmett. More than anything, I wanted to hold on to the here and now, where Bella was human and her heart was beating against my chest, but I couldn't. Aro's instructions were clear. Either I changed her, or he would. And the last idea was not an option.

She pulled away from me slowly, hesitantly. "Well, let's get this over with," she said softly, and as casually as if she was talking about meeting a relative she really didn't want to see.

I looked around us, for the first time since we had walked into the room. The ancient marble walls were mostly hidden by old, dark tapestries. There was a huge, four-poster bed in the middle of the room, its heavy velvet curtains swept aside. A remnant of the Victorian era, it was made of massive oak, and occupied nearly the entire space of the room. Its comforter was of scarlet and gold, and there was a stack of matching pillows by its headboard. Moonlight was streaming in from a small window, along with cool breeze. Bella shivered against me. There were candlesticks on both sides of the bed. I turned away from her and lit the candles, hoping they would provide not only more light, but a bit of warmth as well. When I was done, I turned to face her again. She'd kicked her shoes off and sat at the edge of the bed, looking at me timidly. I came to sit by her side.

"So this is it, huh?" she whispered. Her voice trembled. I didn't think she noticed.

There was a lump down my throat that was making speech extremely difficult. If it were possible, I'd think they were tears. I had always imagined I would be thrilled when the time came to change her. Thrilled could hardly cover the tumble of emotions I was experiencing at the moment. It was definitely not one of those emotions. I replied her question with a silent nod, unable to do more.

"My parents?" she asked then, in a small voice, like a lost child.

I wondered what my family was going to tell Charlie and Renée. I knew Alice must have seen it all by now. Carlisle wouldn't want to waste time, not if Emmett and Jasper had already had my car… I didn't dwell on it though. I couldn't afford any distractions. "Carlisle will take care of it," I replied quietly, gently tucking her hair behind her ear.

She still looked terrified. But I didn't want her to be afraid. I let my hand linger against her cheek before I brought it to cup her chin. The moment I had her attention I kissed her deeply, tangling my hands in her hair. She responded immediately. Her lips caressed mine and she leaned into me. Her heartbeat was soaring, but I kissed her harder, until she had to pull her lips away from mine. Her breath was sweet and hot and tingling against my skin. "Isabella," her name escaped me in a soft murmur as I brought my lips to touch hers once more. I could feel her clinging to me, her fingers tangling in my shirt, as our kisses became more fervent. I was never more frustrated by my inability to read her mind as I was at the moment. I needed to know what she was thinking. I needed to know for certain that this was what she wanted, that this was right –

But it wouldn't change things. I was going to change her, whether she was ready or not. Because there was no other way now.

I lowered her down to the bed gently without breaking the kiss. If these were her last human moments, I was determined to do this right. But it was also selfish. If this was the last time I got to kiss her like that, to feel her warmth, to sense her tremble against me… I slowly pulled away and looked down at her. She looked breathless, softly gasping for air. Her hair was wild around her, spread on the pillows, nearly russet in the soft candlelight. Her cheeks were flushed. I would miss that blush, I thought sorrowfully, caressing her cheek just to see the color deepen. She followed me with her eyes, never looking away.

And I had to question it, although I knew the answer. "Are you afraid?"

"A little," she whispered, but I could see the lie reflected back at me from her fathomless eyes. In spite of her ongoing confidence about immortality, nothing was left of it now, when it was lingering closer. She couldn't fool me, even if I couldn't read her mind. She was _petrified_.

"I'm so sorry," I said, my lips grazing her ear, just in case Felix was listening on the other side of the door. "This is not how it was supposed to be. We could have Carlisle to – I don't even have morphine – "

"Don't," she cut me off, her eyes earnest on mine. "Just… do it."

"It's going to hurt." My voice broke. The very thought of deliberately hurting her was excruciating to me.

"I know. But I trust you."

Her eyes were filled with tears, but she didn't seem to be aware of them. I couldn't say if it was fear or loss that brought them up. Perhaps it was regret. But if it _was_ regret, I was powerless against it. It had to be done. There were no delays or second chances. Not with Aro and his loyalists on the other side of the door.

I nodded and let my lips flutter against hers again, kissing her briefly before I trailed them down her throat. Her pulse was steady now, her breathing soft. The thing I had resisted so far lay within my reach, and now I had to be strong, stronger than ever, so I could keep her safe through this. I was trying to think of Carlisle, and the many times he had done this. I _could_ resist the temptation of her blood, I told myself over and over again, until it became a mantra of sorts. I _had_ resisted it before. There was no reason in the world why I wouldn't be able to do this.

I took her hand and held it, gently lacing my fingers with hers. I brought my lips close to her ear again. "I love you, forever," I murmured. "I'll be right here when you open your eyes."

She locked her tearful gaze with mine, and there was nothing there but love, pure and unequivocal. She did the tiniest nod with her head, and then closed her eyes and lay her head against the pillows, giving me better access.

I took a deep breath and leaned closer. Her scent overwhelmed me in an instant, intoxicating, and dangerously distracting. Venom pooled in my mouth, and the fire down my throat was fiercer than ever before, but I pushed it all aside. No. I was stronger than that. I would not let the monster take over this moment. I _would_ keep her safe, even if the danger was myself. I owed her as much, if she was leaving behind everything to share eternity with me.

And then, with the memory of her trustful eyes still fresh in my mind, I pressed my lips to her throat.


	26. Epilogue Bella

**A/N: when I realized where I wanted to go with this story, I made a conscious decision not to write beyond Bella's change. Stephenie described it her way in **_**Breaking Dawn**_**, and I don't think I would have done the vampire world justice if I tried to describe it differently. I did, however, want to give you guys a glimpse of what happened next, and this is what this epilogue is for. And I thought it was fair to let Bella close this story, since we only get her voice throughout the saga. I hope it answers at least a few of your questions. **

**I want to thank you guys **_**so much**_** for keeping up with me and with this story, those of you who reviewed every chapter, those of you who were lurking but still reading, those of you who spotted typoes and grammar issues. I had a great time writing this, mostly because of your feedback. There are a few things planned ahead after this one, so stay tuned and follow updates. **

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Epilogue

Human memories fade.

This is the only resentment I still hold against immortality. There's something so unjust about it. Memories are all I have left of my previous life. Why wouldn't I get to hold on to them? I can't help forgetting – it's in my new nature, part of the deal almost. They're there, at the back of my mind, but they're blurry, like background music, memories twisted together in an incomprehensible mess, one that cannot be untangled. From time to time, one of them would come to the front, but not for long enough for me to make sense of it. It fades quickly, like a dream; but of course, I can't even be sure of that. I hardly remember the way dreams work now, too.

Edward never forgets. He helps me to make sense of the sounds and images at the back of my mind. He tells me everything he remembers, things that's happened to us, things I've once told him, about my childhood, about my parents, and the little time I've spent at Forks. He excludes nothing, telling it all as accurately as he can, filling each and every gap for me, no matter how small. As for me, I'm like a child, always hungry for more information, delighting in favorite stories, dreading others, and yet I refuse nothing. I want to hear everything, everything he can possibly remember. I want to make sure the memories are not mine to lose.

This reconstruction of my previous life has become my purpose of sorts. As frustrating as it sometimes is, I think it's good for me. I'm calmer than I've expected to be, at so early a stage of my new existence. It takes my mind off other things that should occupy me, like bloodlust and beastly impulses. I think Edward is relieved at the affect it has on me, but I know he's also puzzled. He says he has never seen a vampire with as much self-control as I have mustered in such a short time, or maybe it has been there all along, just bellow the surface during my human life. But I suspect that if I let myself think of it, I would be as dangerous as the rest of them in their first years. I just have other things in mind. I'm too attached to the time before.

The first year was the hardest. We spent it in total isolation, in a tiny village near Tuscany, until I mustered everything I had to know about my new existence. Despite my initial confidence in immortality, I feared what I had become. I feared this stunningly beautiful creature that stared back at me whenever I caught my reflection in the mirror. I feared her strange laughter and indescribable strength and those dreadful crimson eyes. It was quite some time before I could stop picturing Charlie's grief-stricken expression when he had learned of me and Edward's deaths, or my mom's tearful face when she had got the news of our fatal car accident in a long distance call, disrupting her peaceful vacation in Mexico. I'll have back dozens of human memories, and let these visions fade.

But there were other moments, except for those sad glimpses of my previous life. My life as a newborn was filled with revelations. The first time I opened my eyes to a clearer world, with the strangest fire down my throat. The first time I saw Edward again – as if I'd never seen him before. The first time he made love to me – _really_ made love to me – without holding back or being terrified of breaking me. The first time my eyes finally changed color. The first time I met the Cullens as one of their own, finally their equal. There was no end to it.

And now it's 20 years later, and I feel as if I'm yet to discover it all. Edward laughs at me when I revel at this fact. It's like a toy in my hand, whenever something new occurs to me about my new existence. I guess it _is_ rather childish, but I am merely a baby, if you look at it in vampire years. For me, even now, life is a constant search, a constant adventure. I never know what the new day will bring. I guess there _are_ some benefits to immortality after all.

It doesn't come without a price though. I haven't seen or heard from my parents for nearly two decades. The Cullens kept tabs on Charlie for me at first, but then they left Forks about a year after we had. People in town believed it was because they were so broken from the tragic death of their son and his wife, but the truth is that it was just time to move on. I often wonder if my dad has retired by now, if he spends his time fishing or whatnot. I hope that whatever he's doing, he's happy, at least. I hope that somehow, sometime, he finds in his heart to forgive me.

I know nothing of my mom, or Jacob. I think of my best friend often. I still have his bracelet; except for my wedding and engagement rings, it's the only jewelry I never take off. I can almost picture him, reaching 40 but unchanged, still my Jacob. He has his very own workshop where he fixes the motorbikes of the reservation's brats, merely kids like we used to be the first day I brought those worn-out bikes to him. In this vision I've made to myself, his wife is a kindergarten teacher. She's beautiful and kind, like Sam's Emily. She's his everything. They have two kids. Two girls, I think, with glossy black hair like his. He'll be such a great dad. Their time in the reservation now is calmer, peaceful, with the Cullens' absence. From time to time, I toy with the idea of writing him, just a postcard, but I never do. That cowardly part of me is still there someplace, deep within that gorgeous, fearless creature I have become.

In the last 20 years we've been practically everywhere around Europe. We live with the rest of the Cullens sometimes, but for the most part, it's just us. We live in England now, because Edward thought it would be fun to enroll for Oxford. I don't resent his college plans anymore. I finally understand the monotony of high-school life, what the Cullens have had to endure. I'm majoring in Art History again. I paint now, a hobby I've picked along the way. We're happy here, but it's a tough life, rootless for the most part. We make a home for ourselves, we settle in, and then before we know it, three years pass, and we have to move on. We can't stay longer than that. Humans begin to get suspicious.

Edward often asks me if I would have done things differently, now that I know what forever feels like, but I honestly don't think I would. It's easier for me to envision Jacob with his kids than to place myself in a similar vision. I can't picture myself getting older, having children, grandchildren, watching them grow, because I know it's a future Edward can never take part in.

And this is why immortality still wins for me, in spite of everything, because he's here with me. He holds me when disturbing visions from the past come and go, when I get frustrated I can't cry for what I've lost. He tells me the stories of our past in murmured whispers. He's promised me forever, and he's keeping his promise. He killed me that night in Volterra, but he also brought me back to life. And as twisted as it may sound, dying for someone I loved, dying _by_ him, was right, despite the pain it inflicted, and the sacrifices I had to make. I lost my family, my friends, my life, but in a strange way, it was worth it, because I gained so much in return. And I'll sacrifice more, so much more, for another eternity with him – angel-like, achingly beautiful, and forever mine.

**The End**


End file.
